RENEWAL
Posted on Sunday, September 26, 2005 @ 10:04:06 am C.S.T
I joined the gamer widow ranks but a month ago, stumped on how to proceed with my husband being "gone" so often that the "widow" title seemed fitting. This was not to say we weren't in love. We were. In fact, we were still so in love that I would sometimes catch myself in the very process of memory-making and think, " This is what it's all about, we have it, it's here". Lack of love was not the problem. The problem came when this enjoyment of such moments was eclipsed by the fear that the sun would go down with these "lovers" in separate rooms.
In reading and listening to the experiences of those in similar situations I began to believe the only route to peace-keeping was acceptance; tolerance; and "letting go" of the hope...and sometimes resentment. I looked inward, certain there were changes I could make that would will him to change, will him to act . Each strategy seemed to make his fortress of retreat more necessary for his survival. In even approaching him I began to envision him peering at me through a small, sliding port-hole of a large door with inspecting eyes which begged, "What do you want?" If I then made clear my intentions were only to demonstrate my affection, find out what he wanted for dinner, or tell him a story...the 1-foot thick door would be pulled open slowly and I would enter, tip-toeing over literal eggshells to hug him and settle down in his company. However, if instead he heard, "We need to talk" through the peep-hole, the slide was closed and the reply given, "Go ahead!" through the door. And I would. I'd "go ahead" even though I knew he couldn't hear me. He was somewhere deep inside his creation; his stronghold of defence, feigning listening badly. It was this imagining that led me to talk with someone else. Someone wall-less for a start.
Everyone will have their own brand and type of support system; the people they turn to. I found mine, and went there. 4 hours and a waste-basket of tissues later I felt justified in my concern. I was willing to make sacrifices to have more than just a marriage, I wanted an awe-inspiring marriage, and I knew then that it wasn't wrong to want that. I drove home rehearsing my request that he think about "sacrifice", and whether he'd factored that into a successful marriage. I planned to explain how "compromise" sometimes isn't enough...that if something is truly destructive it just doesn't make sense to say, "Just a little bit? Please?" To explain how the bed was cold and the stone fortress was really not in harmony with the feng-shui of our home. 30 minutes of rehearsing, and 32 kilometres later I was home. Target: Stone fortress hidden inside young-marrieds' apartment; Mission: Share willingness to work and make more than compromise, but GIVE UP things to make more than a marriage, but a great marriage; Only established game-plan: Don't say, "We need to talk".
I don't remember how it started, and I don't remember all that was said, but I can recall this:
• I expressed my feelings and hopes for us rather than the reasons why he should quit playing the game;
• I repeated that I loved him and wanted to show that in my actions;
• I begged him to consider my request in a space free of the "wedge" (between us); and
• It hurt.
