RENEWAL cont'd...

4 nights of worrying, 2 packets of M&Ms and scores of prayers later the hurting stopped.   Location: At the door of my school classroom; Event: A message from the office for the teacher; Contents: "Your husband loves you".   Having heard and seen nothing of the man I love for days (even with the fortress in our lives this was highly painful and unusual), this note dissolved every illusory chain I felt now imprisoned me.   I re-entered the classroom and taught two damn good lessons.

I don't know that it's necessary to fill in the finer points of how this night ended, but I will list you this:

•  The account and game are gone;

•  He found a new job; and

•  I'm no widow.

I believe each of us lives in unique circumstances and relationships and expects unique things from their relationship.   I know we have different methods and ideas about the solution, and even how we perceive the problem we're attempting to solve.

I can't advise anyone on what will work for them or what they should want.   But I can tell you what I wanted, and what I got, and the three things it took.

I WANTED:

I wanted to support my husband in 100% overcoming his addiction.   We tried "moderation", we tried, "I can control it", we tried it all.   I wanted wholesome recreational activities together and apart, I wanted active, affordable, reasonable activities with consequences in the real world; fitness / a stronger marriage / skills / peace of mind...instead of "hand-eye-coordination" and "friends" who are 90% likely to be in some way something other than who they say they are.

I got it.   I have it.   I love it.

WHAT IT TOOK:

1.   It required hurt for both parties, not anger

FOR ME what made this time different was that I hurt more than ever.   Every other "discussion" was dominated by anger and his pain.   This time was governed by love, expression of willingness to change on my part, and importantly expression of hope that he was willing to do the same.  

The results hurt.   Both of us.   And I feel it had to.   Arrows that hamper one's movement may be painless on piercing our armour, but will tear and bleed on being pulled out.   It had to hurt, and it required time and space.   What I hadn't considered was that I needing to be willing to hurt while he figured it out. I believe if I had continued to wear my cape and non-verbally proclaim, "It's your problem, so you'll hurt while you give it up and I'll watch" we would still be arguing.   Offering to hurt with him, even if more than I had foreseen, has made all the difference.