RENEWAL cont'd...
2. It required a respected third party
Fishing, away from the distraction of his addiction, with a listening and encouraging friend separate from the situation worked something miraculous. In speaking to this other person since, and telling him of that note I received in class he said, "I'm glad he took my advice". In asking why he'd made that specific instruction he explained, "I've learned that opposition to a happy marriage will creep back in without invitation and with the door of opportunity left only slightly open. In order to ensure there's no opposition to moving forward the door needs to be closed before the couple even enters the room of reconciliation. I told him he had to do something between now and his seeing you for the first time that would guarantee you hugged when you saw each other, not worked up to a hug." We hugged.
3. It required believing it could be an awe-inspiring marriage, and shutting up when it looked like it was happening.
A devout perfectionist and romantic, I desperately resisted accepting this was what marriage was about. The moment I conceded that "this was him" and "this was it" I knew I was signing the prophecy of my future for more of the same.
Since that hug I have never raised the subject since. Neither of us has apologised for anything and no one has accepted any blame. The problem is gone, and we're moving forward. The "me" of two years ago in our marriage would have insisted "sorry's" were said, accountability was taken, and things were "put in place" to prevent a repeat of the episode. The me of now believes every "nagging" word and every heated "discussion" about the game has been enough. He's acknowledged his mistakes enough THROUGH HIS ACTIONS (i.e. stopping), I don't need to hear it. I don't want to hear it. I want to move on. After all, a "Sorry" isn't enough, it's the ACTION I wanted.
I've acknowledged my mistakes by giving him the space to work it out. I didn't run after him when he slept somewhere else and beg him to tell me what he was feeling; insist we talk it out; and come home and play "happy family". I showed THROUGH MY ACTIONS that I knew my nagging and single-direction talking were only making things worse. For him, my apologies after each "We need to talk" had only sent mixed messages - I wanted him to stop, but then I was sorry for nagging. Finally I said what I felt and hoped for, and then SHUT UP, instead of then blurring my message with apologies.
Space and time have proven him, and I am the happiest and most secure in my marriage I have ever been. If we can get through that, we can get through anything.
The beauty of leaving widow-hood is realising the one we love was never dead at all, but rather was "blinded potential" inside a fortress of defence we think we cannot penetrate. Thus, without death, my husband is neither "re-born" or resurrected, but I have renewed and improved our mutual association, renewed our willingness to make sacrifices for each other, and renewed the reasons why we "signed up" for an eternity of each other's company in the first place.
See you in the forums,
- The Katipo
Submitted by: The Katipo
