Hello from a new face

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Hello from a new face

Postby BionicMomo on Tue Sep 11, 2012 3:34 pm

I think many of you can believe how grateful I am that I stumbled upon this place out of sheer desperation today. I knew being a gaming widow wasn't uncommon, and and I'd always assumed there would be a place for them to go and find support, but I'd never actually looked before, but my situation is becoming out of hand, and I'm at a loss about what to do.

I've been a gaming widow for about a year now. My boyfriend Mike and I have been together since April of '11, and in October we moved in together. I had always know he played video games. We've been friends since we were sophomores in high school, so nothing about him was a surprise to me when we began dating. It wasn't until we moved in together that I was hit with the brunt of how much he really played. The answer was all the time. Literally, all the time. When we were dating, it had never been brought up, or an issue, because when I was with him, it was our time, time we spent watching movies or going out to eat, just hanging out, or getting frisky. It was my time.

But I saw it as soon as we moved in together. It's the first thing he does when he wakes up. If he has to leave the house for work or whatever other reason, it is the last thing he does before he goes to bed. He plays everything, WoW, Mass Effect, Star Wars, he downloads emulators and ROMs, there isn't anything he won't play. And I know it isn't all gaming, he's addicted to the internet, as well. He has a compulsion for checking his sites (i.e, Reddit, Imgur, IMDb, fanfiction, etc) repeatedly in-between sessions. He complains about having to get up and go to work, and lets his mess just pile up on the desk around him. He hates getting up to get something to eat, even though the kitchen is less than ten steps away (we live in a really small apartment). He is constantly on his headset talking to his gamer friends as they play, so I'm not taking second place to his computer time, I'm taking third place, behind the guys he talks to. He gets irritated when he has to take a headphone off to listen to something not involved in his game. Our roommate is about the same, though he is more about console games than PC games, though lately he has been steadily playing Star Wars on the computer when my boyfriend isn't home. But it isn't him I care about as much, because, well, he isn't my boyfriend, Mike is, and Mike would rather talk to his friends, the same friends that live less than a mile from us, on his headset then go out and see them, because he says outside is "overrated".

I have to beg him to do things with me, though most of the time he won't. Our physical relationship is almost nonexistent. We are intimate once a month, twice tops, and I usually have to initiate, or nag until he gives in. He thinks me sitting in the living room on my laptop while he is playing is us "spending time together", but he snaps at me if I ask for any sort of attention, because "he always has to do what I want to do." He shirks his responsibilities and household chores. He neglects his hygiene, and his appearance.

But I never tell him to get off, I don't complain, I don't yell, I don't really ever say anything. It wouldn't make a difference. I am 24 years old, and I feel like I am wasting my time, and my life waiting for him to really see me and be into me enough to put me first. I have never had any inclination to marry anyone, I've never had the taste or desire for it, but I can easily dream about us getting married, and spending the rest of our lives together. I really can say that I love him,and it really hurts me that I am not as important as a piece of machinery. I honestly think he would pay more attention to me if I was dressed up as a computer. Nothing has ever hurt my self-esteem as much as this. I'm not stunning by any means, and I know it. I'm not a troll, but I'm just average. If he isn't attracted to me enough to cut a few hours of playing time a day, then why is he with me, and why am I wasting my time? I have not ever threatened to leave, but I do think about it sometimes. I know I could find someone who could put me first, but I don't want to, I want to be with him, but I'm not sure how much more of this I can take...
Posts: 4
Joined: Tue Sep 11, 2012 2:57 pm

Re: Hello from a new face

Postby sannevanzijl on Wed Sep 19, 2012 9:59 am

Hi BionicMomo

It hurts to read your story because it is so familiar.
You are still so young, you are so right you feel you are wasting your time. I have been dealing with this for 7 years now. Not giving up because of 2 reasons: the first is that our children deserve a dad, and i will fight the battles to make sure they will get to know him as the fun guy he was before the consoles. The second is that I truly love him and i know it is mutual dispite of everything. It is a disease.

I can't do anything else than believe it is a diseasy, and you don't go and blame a cancer patient for his illness. You support him to get better. I feel the same way about my husband. But the truth is, when will you stop and choose for your own future and well being. I have been fighting and losing for 7 years. And my reasons for continuing are written above. But i am convinced that if i did not have my kids, a marriage and a house on mortgage that I would leave. I would be willing to stay his friend, i would be willing to stay his girlfriend even. But on my terms, not the terms of the disease ...

You can't do anything else than make up your own mind. But maybe it can help to confy in someone that is close to both of you. A parent, a mutual friend, just anyone that he might respect and that you trust enough to do your bidding...

In any case I hope you guys will find your way out of thize nasty maze of misery
Shooting at shooters would be nice for a change ...
Posts: 13
Joined: Wed Sep 19, 2012 7:45 am
Location: Netherlands

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