Debating divorce

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Debating divorce

Postby Mama_bee on Sun Jan 13, 2013 7:20 pm

Hi! I'm new to this group, but had to find somewhere to get out my feelings and get support from people who understand. I'm 25 years old, have a 2 year old son, and have been married for almost 4 years, together 7.5. My husband has played WOW most of those 7.5 years. When we first started dating, he was apparently on his best behavior. We spent time together, went out places, and he listened when I needed to talk. I felt loved and supported. About 6 months into our relationship, he started choosing gaming time over spending time with me. We've fought about his gamig ever since. If it's not WOW, it's a game on his Xbox. He can't spend a full hour without being on a game or talking to someone about a game. We almost broke up because of it once, then he joined the Marine Corps to "do something with his life." Boot camp brought a marriage proposal and numerous promises that he didn't need games anymore. So I said yes and planned the wedding. He came home and the first thing he did was re-purchase WOW and all the expansions. He got me a set too so we could "play together." I should have known then that things would never change, but perhaps stupidly, I married him anyways. His 4 years in the marines were basically spent using various health issues I mine as excuses to stay home and play games. And of coarse, plenty of fights over the time he spends gaming. I got pregnant before he deployed, so had the baby while he was gone. I truly thought his son would give him a reason to finally grow up and be a part of this family. He said plenty of times that he wouldn't be on the games since he was already used to not playing from the deployment. Then, the first night he came home, he spent on WOW! Ive now spent 2 years telling him that his son needs time with him, that I need help with household chores, that I need a husband and not a roommate, that I'm not happy, as well as ways h can fix it. His answers have remained the same: that I knew who he was when I married him and I promised my life with him for better or worse! He has stated numerous times that he will not change, and that gaming is part of who he is. Not only does he spend all day on the game, he yells and cusses at it, and I don't want my son picking up those words. He yells at our son when he wants attention or needs help with something because he messed up his game! When he has to watch our son, he does so, apparently through a computer screen and a wall from a side room in our house. Basically, my 2 year old watches himself and is left to freely terrorize the house. I pretty much live like a single mother and have since my son was born. It's frustrating and exhausting! Today, my son is sick with bronchitis and I'm starting to get it. My husband is in there on WOW because he's "sick" too. He stayed home from work to help me with our son, yet he has been on the game from 8am to now, currently 5pm! He got off for 10 minutes to do the laundry he promised me he'd help with, held his son for 2 minutes, yelled at me for toys and such being strung all over the house, then got back on his game. I will see him again as soon as he's hungry for dinner, then he will go back to the game while I figure out what to feed everyone. Then he might get off around 9 and sit with me, silently, on the couch, but ušally, I just seem him in bed. He goes straight to sleep and I read a book or take care of my son if he isn't already asleep. My husband finally got a job and is supposed to be going back to college using his GI bill, but he keeps putting off doing the needed paperwork because he spends all his time on a game. Not to mention, he literally failed out of college 4 years ago because of the game, and back then, he actually played less than he has been now! I feel like our life is going nowhere, like he's holding me back from finishing my masters so I can get a career started, like all I am to him is his maid and nanny, I don't feel loved, I don't feel happy, and I don't think he cares enough to do anything about it. Most days, I don't even want to look at him! But every now and then, we have a good hour or 2, and it makes me wonder if divorce is the answer. I just don't know where to go next. I don't think I'm ready to give up yet, but I'm out of ideas and the drive to keep trying. Anyone have suggestions? Oh, except he refuses to do marriage counseling, so anything but that. Sorry it's such a long post. I've been holding it in for far too long!
Mama_bee
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Re: Debating divorce

Postby Psykiblue on Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:18 pm

I take it from your post that your husband is no longer in the USMC but I think you may be able to call military one source and they may be able to connect you to counseling resources. My husband was also in the USMC and was an extreme gamer and to be honest a lot of women who come through here have a partner in the military, former or otherwise. You mentioned he has been deployed. Is it possible that he has some issues left over from being in the military? That he's using his games to hide?

Stop feeding into him. What I mean by that is if he can't get his own supper? Too bad. He is an adult. Don't set a place for him. Stop doing his laundry. Right now it seems like you are his parent rather than his partner. If he will not do counseling then see if you can set some up for yourself.

As my husband is using his GI Bill and I've had some knowledge of it, your husband will have to maintain a G.P.A/grade average that is acceptable to the VA. If not he will lose his funding/stipend every month. Do you work? Do you have friends and family you can talk to? Find a hobby that you can include your son in because you can't count on him for responsible childcare of his own child. Can someone give you an hour to have some time by yourself so you don't burn out either?
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

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Re: Debating divorce

Postby Mama_bee on Fri Jan 18, 2013 9:50 pm

Yes, you are correct in assuming that he is out of the military. I'm hoping that when he starts school, hopefully in August, the gaming will slow down because of his homework. However, he's done school before, for 6 years in fact, and his grades suffered from the gaming which is why he never finished. I'm rather worried that history will repeat itself and he will lose his GI benefits because of it. I have very little faith in his "discipline" he keeps claiming he learned in the marines. Anyhow, I am not currently working. The small town we live in doesn't have many job opportunities and the job I was doing wouldn't give me enough hours to pay for child care, so its cheaper for me to be home until I can find a job with the pay and hours I'd need. Due to that, I get burnt out very quickly. I do everything from cleaning to paying the bills. My husband recently switched shifts at work so he's gone until late night, which had allowed me a little time to myself without hearing a game in the background. I have to admit that I love it! But it makes me feel bad because I feel so much happier when he's gone. The more comfortable I get with dealing with everything on my own, the more our problems feel amplified and make me want to just move on with my life. We still have some good moments. I actually got an hour today, but then other crap came up and he just ran away so to speak. He claims to lie conflict, yet he refuses to sit down with me and actually talk about stuff. He refuses to fight with me anymore. It's definitely affecting our general communication. And if he does have something weird that he's dealing with from deployment, I have no clue what it would be. He was never in a combat zone. He spent 7 months on a ship, visiting various countries, sight seeing, and doing training exercises with foreign military groups. Excluding the fact that he has issues with confined spaces now, due to the tiny quarters on ship, he h
asn't ever complained about anything else, but who knows. I just know that his family allowed him to spent his time gaming when he lived at home and they have always paid for everything for him. They've bailed him out of debt, bought him new computers, and basically have continued to make gaming a possibility for him. I've talked to them about it numerous times and they say that they won't condone it it support it, but when it comes right down to it, they don't change anything either. They still allow their 28 year old son to live with no responsibilities! If his parents don't parent him, it's pretty much up to me, it feels.
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Re: Debating divorce

Postby ginabean on Mon Jan 21, 2013 10:36 pm

Hi Mama

I read your story, and all I can say is that it's not your fault. His idea that you knew what he was like before you married him is a load of phooey. Who would voluntarily sign up for a life of loneliness and despair? I agree that maybe it's time to draw a line in the sand - you are enabling him, same as I'm doing with mine. I'm great at handing out advice, and really crap at taking my own...

Maybe if you take your little one to a playgroup or activity where you can get together with other mums? And set the table every night, and if he doesn't come and eat when called, don't nag, just leave the plate there. He can eat cold food when he's hungry. If he's quite happy to do that and doesn't get the message, take your little one out for dinner a few times a week, and don't cook for hubby at all. Maybe stay over with a friend every so often and leave him to his own devices. Make it clear that you are getting a life, if necessary without him.

Dear girl, whatever you decide to do, even if you can't bring yourself to take any action right now, please come back and let us know how you are doing. Thinking of you.
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Re: Debating divorce

Postby natcampbell on Wed Mar 27, 2013 11:30 pm

heeeey!!!!! your story is similar to mine. he is also 28 years old, his parents support us, he has no responsabilities! I have also talked to them. nothing has change in our almost 3 years of marriage. we have a 7 month old baby girl. I have tried everything literally. so I decided to talk to a lawyer. my name is Natalie, you can email me at nate.alba Hotmail or text me at 843 793 91 79 I would love to talk! I just bought a couple shirts to make fun of his gaming. im tired of crying and begging for an hour of his day. I am done. I hope I can help you to vent! I know how frustrating it is. I don't have family in this country, I just got a car, im getting a life apart from his, he studies out of town and when I spend a week up there we just fight. I don't get help with anything either. by the way he as also been in school for 10 years! he is very smart but daddy buys him everything. I did not know who he really was since he lied about a bunch of stuff, I never saw him play until we married.
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