Sick and tired

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Sick and tired

Postby Tracy_H on Thu Apr 04, 2013 5:07 am

Hello everyone. I am 38, have 3 beautiful children, and have a gamer husband that I have given the ultimatum "The game or me" and he has chosen the game. His game of choice is a FPS game called 'Combat Arms', and he's been playing for about 3 years now. In those 3 years he has become a different person. I don't know him anymore, and this is a man I've been with for 17 years. He had a problem with gaming systems back when we were first married, and because our first child came very quickly, I made him give it up. He claims I did it for some sort of power trip in order to control him (which is also the reason he gives now for choosing a machine over his supposed 'soul mate').

I have since relented, and allowed for some gaming to go on in the house, even though I know all too well how addicting games are (my younger brother and sister are both addicts to RPG and WOW). I have regretted giving that proverbial inch because the husband took a mile, and then some. He will literally spend 10 hours on the game, and with a serious face say 'nu-uh...you're just jealous. It was maybe 2 hours. You're exaggerating'. When I show him the proof, even more verbal abuse. I cannot take this anymore. I'm broken. I can't function. And I don't think I have ever cried so much in my life. Am I really that horrible?, I ask myself. What is the game giving you that our once passionate love affair is suddenly lacking. Why am I so easily dismissed and replaced? I am your wife, the mother of your children. Why is it so easy for him to walk away?

I feel lonely, sad and dejected. I need adult companionship. What am I supposed to do now?
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Re: Sick and tired

Postby ginabean on Sun Apr 07, 2013 10:05 pm

Hi Tracy

Welcome. Your story is sadly too common, and familiar to every one of us who comes here. There are days when I fell empoweed and make a stand, and then other days in which I feel such a wimp and would rather just have the peace and quiet than argue and fight. I think the type of advice given here by each and every single one of us will be coloured by our own situation. For the last two weeks my hubby has actually got off his backside and done something - shown an interest in the outside world - first time in 2.5 years. I've said nothing, I'm suspicious as hell and I'm so angry with him for seeming to stop of his own accord when I've begged, pleaded and raged at him for his *** rated conversations with other women that supposedly "mean nothing". To add to it, I'm in wimp mode. I'm terrified that if we have turned a corner I don't want to jinx it by being a bitch. Another concerns is that he's a long term user of the green stuff, quit when the gaming started and has recently come by some more of it (I don't know how, haven't asked or discussed), so I may well be delaing with a simple exchange of addicition here. Just feel like the rug's been pulled out from under me again.
Now to give you the advice I never took for myself. If you are going to threaten you have to mean what you say. First time every time. If you keep moving the stop signs, he will never take you or your cries of distress seriously. he's playing a mental game with you and rubbing your nose in it. If you want to take some of the responsibility on board for your relationship, fine, but for gods sake don't blame yourself for his actions. A loving partner will listen, discuss and negotiate with you when there's an issue to be resolved. Not play mental games with you. You deserve to be treated with respect and consideration. Do you have a plan B in case it all falls in a heap? Sending a big hug to you - you sound like you need it.
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Re: Sick and tired

Postby AMNeSia on Fri May 24, 2013 3:53 am

After 17 years, is this what you get? Sorry to hear this. You know, I feel angry for being someone who just says sorry about the situation, but honestly, no one of us can actually do anything besides give you advice, a place to vent and such.

I'm a gamer and being addicted, I've gone mostly stoic. That's not to say I can't feel emotions, but no matter how sad I am, I've never had ONE tear fall from my eyes since the last 3 years. Yes, gaming addictively destroys lives. Your husband has destroyed all you 5 people's lives, I've destroyed mine, many others have destroyed their own.

But crying about how life's destroyed won't rebuild it, right? You've been with him for 17 years. You bear his addictions, his verbal (hopefully not physical and emotional) abuse, you do the work, you care for 3 children, you do everything...to what end? You gave him an ultimatum and ultimately, it's you who's suffering. I am not saying you did wrong. All I'm saying is you should stop worrying about a person who doesn't give a rat's ass for his family.

After 17 years, talking, explaining, loving, caring to and for him didn't work. You may need to try harsher measures. He's changed a lot to the extent that you say you don't recognize him. Just throw his PC out. Force him to stop gaming. I know, this will lead to more fights, but you need to end this. Of course, as GinaBean said...do you have a Plan B?

You work, you're independent. You can easily shake his ass off. No need to be going loose on a person who doesn't care. You deserve a better life and a person who loves and cares for you and wants you for you, not as a servant. OK, now I feel I'm repeating the same words from my other posts, but isn't that the truth after all? If you feel you want him back, then fight for it. If you think he's a lost cause, get out of it before anything. I bet even on the day of divorce, he'll say, "Come on, just 2 more hours of playing, then I'll sign the papers..."

Really, this will get worse if you don't solve it. Find a better person for yourself. There are millions of men out there who'll be millions of times better than him. Hope things improve for you soon. And feel free to come here, vent things out, talk, ask for advice and help. We're always here.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
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