AMNeSia, a real gaming addict...

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AMNeSia, a real gaming addict...

Postby AMNeSia on Sat May 18, 2013 6:24 am

OK, this post did end up here. so, now I'm editing this to make my introduction - again. First of all, I've had many people on IRC tell me that my name sounds feminine, but it's a compressed form of my real name, so you can say AMNeSia is pretty much my real name. I'm a teenager from Mumbai, India. Heh, place is kind of like the many gamer widows being here: The country is beautiful, the people ruin it, just like one person does all the work and the gamer keeps ruining their lives by doing nothing.

Anyways, I'm a gaming addict. Yes, it does get a nuisance from me. Now, I didn't go to a doctor, but comparing the symptoms with Wikipedia's list, I do suffer from ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder). I also suffer from MD (Maladaptive Daydreaming), which ends up being the real nuisance for me. Of course, my problems run deep, maybe not as deep as others and, considering every person is different, everyone's own problems are of paramount importance. OK, importance aside, yea, the problems are my fault, I just don't know to solve them.

These past some days have been even crappier for me. First off, I'll start with a little bit of history. Born in Mumbai, raised here, so you know, this places is a bit ghetto. Crowded, crap mentality of people and it does get to you. As a kid, parents never let me be socially open. Now, I agree that being people are crap around here, interacting much with them is not right, but they restricted me to so much of an extent, that now, even normally talking to someone takes an effort from me. I ended up being the shy guy instead of being normal, or outwardly.

Also, I used to get bullied a lot in school. Now, my mouth ends up spewing out more philosophy and psychology than people tolerate. It's like I'm pretty much opposite of people...what they find as boring is what I find as interesting, and vice-versa. Heh, guess being free and sitting at home for the last 3 years didn't do much good to me.

Anyways, more on the sitting at home later. I used to get bullied, beat-up, insulted in school. Ended up hating humans as a result, although later, I got pretty rational reasons for hating humans, so getting bullied is not a reason anymore. As I said, more on that later. Considering I think more than most, I also got disgusted with the education system and dropped out after completing my 10th grade I don't know how it is for other countries, but here, we have 3 years of kinder-garten, 4 years of primary school, 6 years of secondary school, 2 years of junior college and 3 years of senior college. I got my first day to college, came out at the end of the day and never looked back.

I really got so damn fed up with humans and society, that I ended up becoming (as of now) and anti-social psychopath. Yea, games did contribute a bit, but it's not because I love shredding people or tearing apart the streets at 200 MPH, but many of the real reasons behind. After I dropped out, I had nothing to do, and ended up gaming. I've been using PCs since I was 4-5 years old. Of course, parents never kept a check on me, or doing what they should have, so I ended up getting out of control.

After I dropped out in 2010, I been sitting at home. Some incident happened which forced me to question the reasons behind things. I started asking the "Why?" about things. Pretty much every thing that came up in front of me, I put the "Why?" on that. Why money, why no guns, why this, why that and blah, blah, blah.

Asking the why, I ended up finding the answers to problems, but never actually could feel anything...for example, if someone gets hurt, I'll be sad about it and yet the feeling will be a hollow one. I am sad, but also stoic. I used to game for 18-36 hours in one stretch. Striving to escape from problems. It's not that I loved games, it's that I wanted to escape from the fucked up life I was (and still am) living. Slowly, I ended up losing control of my mind. I always hated authority and still do, but now, I actively refused someone wanting to improve me, even if it was the right thing they did. I kept on asking the why about things, searched every high and low in my mind and the internet for information.

I got answers, but also fell out of life. Slowly, I did make a moral base for myself, which I didn't even think of till now. Yea, I did set standards for myself. What I viewed as right and what as wrong. Morality just became the only thing which I viewed as being my life anymore. I mean...nothing else mattered except the right and the wrong. Of course, everyone's morality differs. Each has their own perspective, but I strove to find out universal truths instead of what felt good to me. I am a person who prefers doing the right thing no matter what. It's a different thing that I can't do what I feel right because of my out-of-control brain, but yes, I do have high moral standards.

By the time I realized things were wrong, I ended up at the event horizon (point of no return). Being anti-social, I would enjoy shredding hundreds of people in GTA San Andreas, or Counter-Strike, or going at top speed in Need For Speed. I would feel no remorse. What started as a means to escape turned into my life. Gaming, gaming, gaming...gah. I'm so damn disgusting.

As I said...that one incident which forced me to ask for reasons behind things was also the incident which made me feel guilty. All that incident was is that someone hated me for teasing them, still do and I felt guilty because I didn't apologize to her. Of course, I'm not in a shape where I can apologize to her. I am just not worth apologizing to her. I thought of changing myself to be a better person...so, I thought I'd use the guilt to be a better person. Make that guilt power me.

But slowly, gaming too much ended up making me stoic. Emotions stopped making any difference. I already was so deep into gaming and was getting sucked in more everyday. I couldn't get out. And then, all that started was me ending up getting locked up between my guilt, the games, my life and so on. Pretty immobile life I'm living since then. Complete stagnation. Life feels like I'm locked in the same place, rotting and decaying.

I'm so deep in gaming that the first thing I do when waking up is not going to get a piss or brush my teeth or even bath...it's TURN ON THE FUCKING PC!!! Gah, so damn lost control. As I said, I lost control of my mind, so it gets near impossible for me to bypass that and do my work now that I actually want to. Whenever I strive to resist gaming, or do my work or anything...my mind plays games with me. Always makes me forget what I wanted to do and puts so many abstract and different things in my head. For example, let's say i wake up and want to go for a bath. I am thinking about doing my work, and suddenly, I'll start thinking about someone playing tennis. I mean, WTF? Can't I even live MY fucking life MY way?

(sigh) Such a nuisance the mind gets. As I said somewhere else on the forum...the mind is like a hammer. It can either build master-pieces, or destroy everything. Considering I lost control 3 years ago, ever since I left school, I really did end up destroying my life. Now I want to make it again, be a better person and my mind gets in the way. Sure, this gets more of a psychological problem instead of a gaming one, but at the end...a problem is a problem. I hope to find a solution for this. I just don't know what to do.

I end up having answers to problems. I know how can I do what I want/need to, but still don't know how to. It's like...I know the way, but don't know how to walk on it. Yep, does sound weird, but it's not like I can just lift my legs and start walking...the walk of life gets difficult to sort out. I know all the ways to do what I need to...but I don't know how do I make myself do it, without any motivation. Yea, motivation burns out, so I'm looking towards discipline, but now, my mind won't allow me. So sick of this...and yet no respite or a way out.

Well, that's me. I didn't say a lot about gaming addiction and said more about my history...but at the end, everything is related. Life's a web of things; not just one thing, so ultimately, one thing will lead to another, and another, and another...and it ends up confusing you so much that you feel like ripping it all out, LOL.

Anyways, hope to improve my life before I end up at the event horizon, to be of help here and enjoy overall. I hope I didn't make this too long, considering I talk/type too much already, hehe.
Last edited by AMNeSia on Mon May 20, 2013 5:30 am, edited 4 times in total.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
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AMNeSia
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Joined: Thu May 09, 2013 8:33 pm
Location: India


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