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Hello everyone

Postby clarabunnie on Thu May 23, 2013 3:58 pm

Hi everyone. Just wanted to introduce myself. I have been in a relationship with a gamer for 4 years now. As time has gone on his gaming has taken over his/our life/lives. I have spoken to him multiple times about this. It has come close to ending our relationship. Each time things got really bad, he changed for a while but went back to his anti-social gaming behaviour afterwards. I feel I need some help to deal with this. I am tired of being the 3rd wheel in his relationship with his laptop. He pays RPG games like Warlock and league of legends. When I say things to him he tells me to keep my comments to myself 'get over it' and leave him alone. I didn't get in a relationship to 'be alone'. I'm just tired of going to bed my myself every night. I feel so lonely. It seems I'm not the only one now I've found this forum! That's some comfort at least.
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Re: Hello everyone

Postby AMNeSia on Fri May 24, 2013 1:34 am

Welcome to GamerWidow.

Sad to hear that you feel like relationship has come to an end. Glad to see you talked to him, but considering it didn't do any good, instead he snapped back at you, I'd say talking is useless for people like him and me who are in the advanced stages of a gaming addiction. For us, it feels like the person is pestering and irritating us instead of wanting us to be better. Trust me, the mind does have it's way of having it's own way and not listening to anything else.

Now...these are my 2 cents. Agreed I have no experience in these matters, but I'll post anyway. All I want is to help. As far as I know...relationships don't work just one way. Here, you're doing the work, and he's just lazing his ass off on a PC. Like you said, obviously, a relationship is not made to be alone. But, since talking hasn't worked, you could try something else.

Sometimes, being harsh is the only way. Do you love him, care for him and want this relationship to exist and blossom, or do you want to separate? If you want to separate, then no point in continuing. You deserve a better life and a person who loves you, cares for you and wants you for you rather than someone to fulfill his needs.

But if you love him, care for him and want to keep your relationship, then you'll need to fight for it. After all, everything worth having is also worth fighting for, and everything not worth fighting for is not worth having. If you want your relationship to exist, you need to fight for it. Of course, I'm not saying go to war with him, or do the 'game or me' routine, LOL. But, if the softer measures don't work, use harsher measures. Demand to talk to him. Plug off his laptop. Do what it takes to get him to talk to you.

As I said, don't get angry, but don't let loose of yourself either. Be firm with him. Once you get him to talk to you, ask him why he games so much. Is he really loving games instead of real people, or wants to escape realities of life, like I do, or something else. Solutions first, fights later. Always look for solutions first. Fighting is the LAST resort thing, when it gets unbearable to the point that you can't survive.

If he still doesn't talk, be a bit harsh. Don't allow him to game and avoid you. You might end up in a very big fight with him, because his mind will tell him that YOU are the enemy instead of his addiction. I have that same problem. My mind plays games with me to justify the addiction instead of making me a right and better person. It will hurt both of you, but if you feel the relationship is worth it, then a little hurt now will go a long way in saving your relationship and keeping you happy later in life.

If you feel your relationship is worth it, then go to any lengths you can. Fight, break his laptop, do anything. Of course, as I said, these harsher measures are a last resort thing. First talking, then being firm, then demand the basic needs of your relationship, if nothing else. Even then, if nothing works, then be totally harsh. No need to be sensitive to a person who isn't sensitive to you.

You deserve a better life than right now. I know what it is like to be alone with no one to be supporting you. It's not about physical support, but about emotional supports. Feeling hollow and empty isn't exactly a great thing. I've always been longing for a person who'll listen to and understand me and help me be a better person.

As a side joke, tell him League Of Legends is more like Laughing Out Loud and anyone who squanders their real life for a bunch of binary data really needs to have everyone going LOL on him/her. Also, instead of playing League of Legends, he could turn that to Lots Of Love, another LOL for you.

Hope things improve for you. Feel free to vent things out or ask for help anytime. We're all here to do the same and help each other in the process.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
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Re: Hello everyone

Postby ginabean on Mon May 27, 2013 9:43 pm

Hi Clarabunnie

You are so welcome here. A lot of us are in the same situation, many of us seemingly trapped in relationships that we know are bad for us, our self-image in tatters and for some very weird reason we keep on trying, remmaining in these destructive relationships. I don't have an answer for you I'm afraid. Most people would tell you to tell him to shove it and not let the door hit your bum on the way out. I know it's not that simple. What's holding you in this relationship? For me, it's very empowering to know that there are others in the same weird situation, at least I don't feel so alone. Do you have any hobbies, kids etc? Let us know what coping mechanisms you use. When you think you're unravelling, come here. You have friends who will not judge you for whatever actions you choose or don't choose to take. Big hugs to you.
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Re: Hello everyone

Postby laroo on Tue May 28, 2013 2:57 pm

Hi Clara,

Hang in there, girl. We know the feeling of being that third wheel to a video game. Welcome to the forum!

Every one of us here has at some point come to that fork in the road; do I just carry on the way it is, or do I go on alone? Either way is a huge decision. The only reason any of us are here is because we're trying to make it work. Some of us have more success than others, but one thing is true - there is always support to be found here by folks who've been through what we're going through.

Take care of you Clara,
Laroo
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