Second Life Widow

Welcome to GamerWidow.com!! Please take a moment to introduce yourself to the community. =)

Moderators: Psykiblue, Tawnee, Faeril, Lyoness, max

Second Life Widow

Postby baerli on Fri Nov 14, 2008 4:21 pm

Hi everyone!

I have been looking for a while for something like this forum. :sad

Where to start? I used to play games.....starting with Everquest in '99, and migrating with "The Guild" through oher games over the years. At times, I played somewhat obsessive (don't work, had time), but over the years I played less and less....took many lengthy breaks (up to 14 months at a stretch) until I quit altogether, and ALWAYS had time for my DH. We still had a life....went out, did things together, shared intersts, talked, remained close, had great sex. He always assured me that it is fine for me to play....he wanted me to enjoy myself and have fun.

Until................

He discovered Second Life earlier this year. I don't know this person, who is sharing my bed.

We have been together more than 10 years, and married for most of that time. It seemed like the perfect match. We hardly ever argued, agreed on everything....life was great. Now......there is no life.
We used to always share an office in the house......but, after getting into SL, after a few months, he suddenly needed a room to himself..."more privacy"......./chuckle. By that time, we had already had a number of ugly arguments.

His "friends" in SL are exclusively women. He says, they are just friends, but I disagree. I don't have sex with my friends, not even virtually. In the beginning, he played around he clock, took time off work, stopped eating and drinking and caring about anything. I truly believe he lost touch with reality.
I became suspicious and did something I have never done before and am ashamed of....I snooped on his PC....and yes, I found what I didn't want to see. He had become emotionally attached to at least 1 woman....rather seriously from what I saw.
I confronted him with it and he claimed, it was just fantasy. I didn't buy it. There were too many personal details about our RL and me that have no place in "fantasy". We had made a rule before that, that his contacts stay in the game....that he wouldn't bring them into RL....no email, no messenger, no phone calls. He broke that rule....twice and lied about it....twice. He drew me into SL, too, but I don't play hardly at all and I don't really like the game; if you can call it a game.

Well, there is a whole shitload of things I could write here, but you get he picture. We are now at a point, where he gets up, goes into his office "to chill before work", goes to work, comes home, goes into his office "to chill FROM work" and stays there until 3 or 4 am unless he takes a nap after he comes home, and THEN he plays until he has to go to work. Of course, at work (in IT) he chats with his "friends". He admitted that.
We don't have much sex anymore cause he jerks off at the PC with is "friends" and lately, he is unable to maintain an erection when we DO have sex. But he calls me frigid and emotionally disturbed because I can't handle his SL playing and my interest n sex with him has abated. Oh yeah, and I am unreasonably suspicious and jealous......../chuckle.

I more or less keep to myself now and try to cope. I have wondered a lot whether to leave, but so far I haven't been able to bring myself to do that.

I cannot understand how he can be so.....blind? irrational? sucked in? This is not the man I knew.

He notices, when I am out of sorts, and it always ends up in a huge, ugly and demeaning argument, where he is right and I am the bad guy.

I am not really pissed at SL....it's not the games fault....the responsibility lies with HIM. I cannot help but think there is something wrong with him; no normal person behaves this way.

Well, so much for my intro. I would rather discuss more on a more private platform. Thanks for your collective shoulders :)

-baerli
baerli
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:33 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby Sirena on Sat Nov 15, 2008 12:28 am

Hi Baerli and :welcome

I think you do need to leave. Maybe not permanently, but to give your s/o a wake-up call. His behavior is deplorable. I understand how you feel about his reaction to your irritability. My hubby is addicted to WOW and he can always tell when I am getting upset about his play time. And....as with you it always turns into an argument where he is right and I am wrong. I should have had him to leave two years ago, but because we have children, I have tolerated it. I think SL is a very dangerous game for RL couples. What is the point of the game....to socialize with others. Leave him....tell him that he better get things together or you will not be back. Then, if he doesn't come to his senses, you are better off. YOU deserve better! Keep us posted.
Love Must Be Tough
User avatar
Sirena
Friend
 
Posts: 479
Joined: Wed Aug 22, 2007 1:25 pm
Location: Aloneville. USA


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby jkko on Sat Nov 15, 2008 2:33 am

Oh honey. I could have written your post, this is MY LIFE...with the addition of two small children. My fiancee (if you can call him that) gets home from work and gets straight onto the computer without even saying hello to me or the kids. Oftentimes he stays on the game until 2am when he has to get up for work at 6am. He rarely eats and when he does, it's chips and pop and other crap he can stuff in his face at the computer. Right now he's eating a can of frosting, I kid you not!! And the thing about your sex life really hit home with me. My fiancee continually accuses ME of being a frigid, cold woman who is ruining our relationship by withholding sex from him. As if I am going to jump into bed with you after you've been ignoring me for weeks on end, and this is the first time you're talking to me in a MONTH. The ONLY time he ever gets off that game is when he wants to try to get laid. It's disgusting and I haven't been turned on by him in months and months and months.

If it wasn't for my kids and the fact that I am financially unstable on my own, I would be gone, gone, gone. I know how you feel entirely...wondering where the man you fell in love with has gone to. Wondering what happened to your LIFE?

-Sigh- I just realized that my post is NO help to you whatsoever. I guess I just wanted you to know you're not alone, at all.
~Freedom is nothing else but a chance to be better~
jkko
Member
 
Posts: 11
Joined: Sat Nov 15, 2008 2:01 am


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby Tawnee on Sat Nov 15, 2008 4:07 pm

Hey you two are living my past life.

Now on the site are widows who got their husbands back, there are widows that are still suffering and there are widows like me. Away from their gamer.

I am now wearing rose coloured glasses so take what I post with an understanding that this is right for me, not everyone.

My life WAS your life.

Beside my sooky la la post generally my life is wonderful. I am alone but never lonely anymore. I was so lonely with my gamer. So angry, so frustrated.

My kids must have hated it. The house seethed with an underlining bitterness that gradually sinks into everything.

My house is now fun, peaceful. I have given myself a year to destress before I even think of meeting anyone else. That year is nearly up. I feel so much lighter and stronger.

I made it.

And life is soooooooooooooooo much better.
Image
Image
User avatar
Tawnee
Moderator: Goddess
 
Posts: 1516
Joined: Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:08 pm
Location: Australia


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby baerli on Mon Nov 17, 2008 10:10 am

Thank you for your responses and opinions. Reading through the threads/posts, I am not sure I am in the right place....lol......your gamers all seem to be addicted to the action games, whereas mine is addicted to....well, hell.....a fantasy life. Could just be a phase, I suppose....then again, who knows. I have considered that it is sort of a "midlife crisis"as my DH is in "the age group".....55 to be exact.
But an addiction it is; that's painfully clear. I am not yet ready to throw in the towel and walk away. That, I consider the very last resort, and I don't think, I am quite there yet.
Leaving in itself and facing economic hardship does not scare me. But, I have to take certain medications on a permanent basis since I had a heart attack, and it will be very difficult, if not impossible, to obtain medical insurance with such a preconsisting condition. It angers me to think that that may be a reason, I might not leave/might not be able to leave.

Presently, I am trying to deal with just my wellbeing; trying to shed the negative (resentment, anger, frustration, despair, feelings of humiliation, etc) and occupying myself with activities I enjoy, and which make me feel good about myself, and which distract me. My biggest problem right now is not to think about what is going on day and night. And, I am thinking, there may still be a possibility to salvage our relationship....if only I could reach him and if he could become again he reasonable and rational person he used to be.

I know you cannot help those, who won't help themselves; and, as long as the addict is in denial, there is no hope of change. So, I think, I have to wait a little and see how things develop. I have mentally given him -tentatively- a year to snap out of it (from April to April) by himself. I know he thinks about it and I know he feels a lot of guilt. But, when the year is over and things have not changed, I am prepared to deliver ultimatums and plod a different course of action.

I am sort of at a loss of what to say right now, so I will stop here for the time being.
baerli
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:33 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby newlywedwidow on Tue Nov 18, 2008 3:08 am

baerli-

I could have written your post. My husband's "game" may be action but the whole thing is fantasy. Just before he started to play WoW I too snooped. I felt something was wrong and I too found what I did not want to find. He was having an emotional affair with another woman for almost 2 years. I was so hurt by this. I immediately confronted him. He said it was nothing (rriigghhtt) and still says that it was nothing. We started arguing and then came WOW. When he started playing, he stopped talking to me at all. I had to deal with his affair on my own. Not only the affair but also now the 50-60 hours a week he was gaming. Our sex life tanked and he too said it was my fault. I was the worst wife on the planet. Everything I said was an attack on him, I was always throwing the affair in his face. It couldn't possibly have been me trying to salvage our marriage....

10 months and 50 million huge knock down drag out fights later...(never physical)...He is back! I decided in May (this all started in January) that I wasn't going to lose. I was going to win. I started to yell at him. This was something I never used to do because we could actually talk. I figured if he could (or wouldn't) talk to me anymore I would get it through to him by yelling at him. I got so mad once that I deleted the game from our home computer, cut up the disc so he could not re-download it and threatened to set up an administrator if he ever brought the game back into the house. Slowly, he started to come around. The more he came around the more I let up, until finally we could talk about things and disagree in an adult manor. Now we can talk about it, all of it and not even get upset. Yah, it still hurts like hell, but we are working on it. He plays a fraction of what e used to and I have even let him play at home on occasion. I don't know if how I started treating him (yelling) was what got through or if it was all the crying I did, or if some other outside force got through to him. I just don't know. But I won.

You can fix it if you have the patience and the mind set. Tell him what he did/is doing is wrong. Don't make excuses for him. Tell him he is having an emotional affair. It doesn't matter if it is a "fantasy" or not. He is still being unfaithful. Don't hold back. Let him know that you have decided to fix this and you will even if you have to drag him kicking and screaming along.

You also need to, for lack of a better way of saying it, get over the anger, frustration, and eventually the hurt. It took me a lot longer then I thought it would and I still have moments where I think about it and the hurt come back. I decided once my hubby and I started to rebuild that the hurt wasn't punishing him really because there was no way he could really understand how deeply I was hurt, and the hurt wasn't benefiting me at all either. I decided that come hell or high water I was going to make it. Whenever I caught myself dwelling on it I would put it out of my mind. I read self-help books as well on forgiveness and healing. The real breakthrough with this for me was when I actually said to him I forgive you. It was like a flood gate opened and all the pain rushed out. Don't rush this part though. Don't say it unless you really mean it.

You can make it baerli. It is very hard and very painful and will probably take longer then you want it too, but you can do it. Keep us posted and Good luck.
I am worth it and so are you! Remember...It's not how many breaths you take. It's how many moments take your breath away!
User avatar
newlywedwidow
Friend
 
Posts: 691
Joined: Sat May 17, 2008 2:42 am
Location: Indiana


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby Psykiblue on Tue Nov 18, 2008 9:42 am

I'm sorry that you're having to go through all of this.

I will agree with Newly, your husband is having an emotional affair even if he refuses to see it. What he's doing is wrong.

What do you want to do at this stage of the game? Do you want to bid goodbye, do you want to tell him you want an open marriage as in he can have his fantasy playdates and you can look for someone to fulfil your needs.

That's not an you have to do that, I'm just saying it may be an option if you don't want to leave. Or you could live together in name only, I don't know.

But it seems like an incredibly lonely way to live. You deserve much more.

Welcome to the site, make yourself comfy and stick around. Read some stories, maybe show afew to your husband.
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

Image

Image

Image
User avatar
Psykiblue
Moderator
 
Posts: 1516
Joined: Tue Feb 21, 2006 5:07 pm
Location: Canada


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby baerli on Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:13 am

Hi newlywedwiddow,

thank you for your kind words and information. I, too, have always remained fairly calm, but recently I completey lost my cool and had a virtual rage meltdown.....complete with throwing coffe cup (not at him). I think it really surprised him....lol....but I don't like to be like that.

Like you, I don't really want to lose him. The way he currently is, is not who he really is. Therefore, I want to hang in and see what can be done. Everthing he has been doing the past 6 months runs completely counter to who he is. Yes, it's incredibly painful and quite difficult to deal with. It's also not something you want to run around and tell everyone about; that's where this site comes in as a helpful tool.

I appreciate your supportive thoughts on my dilemma, and I am glad to hear your situation is starting to improve. :clap It shows that there is hope.
baerli
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:33 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby baerli on Wed Nov 19, 2008 10:38 am

Psykiblue wrote:What do you want to do at this stage of the game? Do you want to bid goodbye, do you want to tell him you want an open marriage as in he can have his fantasy playdates and you can look for someone to fulfil your needs.


I am not prepared to leave at this point. Have tried the "open" thing....let him have his virtual playdates, but it just got worse instead of better. And, I am not interested in anyone else myself, be it virtual or RL.

What I would like for us, is to get back to where and how we were....if that is possible. Or, at least as close to it as possible. That may take some time. If it becomes apparent that there is absolutely no hope, then I will deal with the subject of divorce.

Welcome to the site, make yourself comfy and stick around. Read some stories, maybe show afew to your husband.


I don't think showing him this site is an option at this point :p
baerli
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Nov 14, 2008 3:33 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby carlovic on Wed May 19, 2010 9:54 am

This situation is so close to what I am going through at the moment.

My wife has been playing second life for 5 months now in secret. While I have no problem with games, I have a problem with the fact that she felt it had to be a secret from me when we have not kept anything from each other in 10 years of amazing married life!

She said she would break off her online partnership for 3 weks, and never did. Said she had asked him to do it so that she didn't have to pay the 25$ in the game to divorce (huh?)

I eventually logged in and did it myself or she would still be married to him.

She says she only wants to play once or twice a week now to keep contact with her fireinds there but I still don't have a good feeling about it? Am I just being paranoid?
carlovic
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Wed May 19, 2010 5:37 am


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby Hologram on Wed May 19, 2010 1:55 pm

You are not being paranoid!! I have been through this over and over again with my husband. He will stop playing SL for a week or so, then he will log in just to say hello.. and claim that he only wants to say hello to his friends once and a while...... with in a month he is back on playing all the time.

This has been an on going issue with us for about 3-4 years!!! We have had some MAJOR fights about this game.. it has almost cost him his marriage and still may. Just few weeks ago, I caught him AGAIN being intimate with a women on there.... I told him very plainly, if you make the choice to have sexual cyber relations again, you are making the choice of divorce. I made him repete it back to me, so that he could not say he did not understand.

Since your wife is still rather new to the game, if you can get her to not play for a few weeks , maybe just maybe the addiction will break!!

Good luck to you, my heart goes out to you!! I know the hurt that all this can cause.
Hologram
Hologram
Newbie
 
Posts: 3
Joined: Fri Mar 26, 2010 3:36 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby rocketship on Fri Jun 11, 2010 4:00 am

For me, Second Life is a "Leave. End of story," kind of deal.
Second Life addicts lead a life that's very hurtful for those intimate with them.
My boyfriend used to be a Second Life addict. At the time, I was ignorant and unaware that that game is 90% porn. I later found out that he would use the people there to get off frequently. It was heartbreaking. His friends there were almost exclusively female. To my knowledge, many were webcam prostitutes. He would act as a female prostitute himself in-game and no one knew he was really a boy, except for possibly a few people I didn't know much about. He'd trick in-game males into thinking he'd cyber with them, milking the people for their in-game money which he planned to cash out with eventually. It was too difficult for me to deal with.

One night, I was talking with him on yahoo.. or rather, I was talking at him... and responses were so pathetic that I just straight up told him that I hated Second Life and he can say goodbye to me his first life if that's what it's going to be.

Luckily, his SL life was small enough at the time for him to pull away from. I can't imagine if he'd been playing for years, or from before him and I had met.

Anyways, I agree with what some of the other widows have said (moral of my rant). Make it clear you'll leave if he doesn't stop. That's an ENTIRELY REASONABLE request. Jealousy is OK!! If he doesn't stop, leave. If he wants you more than SL, things will happen naturally. You might find a life on your own you never knew you'd have, free of SL.
rocketship
Newbie
 
Posts: 4
Joined: Fri Jun 11, 2010 3:29 am


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby husbandad72 on Wed Jul 07, 2010 8:02 pm

My story too. I feel for all of you. I once was a Second Life widow. I tried everything to make things work. Even tried the "open virtual relationship" thing and started playing myself. What a joke. Everyone in that game (if you want a call it a game) says SL is SL, RL is RL - WHATEVER! We eventually worked things out. Unfortunately, after several years of good times, I think we're heading down the same road with her WOW addiction. *sighs* Good luck to all of you and take care. Let me know if I can be of any help.
husbandad72
Newbie
 
Posts: 8
Joined: Tue Jul 06, 2010 8:56 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby mzcrit15 on Sun Sep 12, 2010 1:19 am

I'm a second Life widow and reading these stories has given so much relief. My Husband tried to make me think I'm crazy. That its just a game, but its not. I'm relived to find out that I'm not alone! He plays that game 10-12 hours a day. I tried playing with him but all his female friends ignored me. Sex what's that I don't even remember that any more. He sometimes comes around if I complain enough, but it not enjoyable it feels like let me hurry and take care of her so she will shut up. When its over he is right back on the game, I feel so used and so alone. I'll b damm if I do this for years, I might as well be alone!
mzcrit15
Newbie
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:04 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby mzcrit15 on Sun Sep 12, 2010 11:46 am

My husband and I had a long discussion regarding his game playing. We came to an agreement. We have a written contract, which defines the amount of time spent on the game, time off the game and days that there will be no games played, just time with the family. Also in the agreement, it is stated that there will be no online marriage or sexual activites nor will there be any real life communications. We also have a time sheet to keep up with the hours.I don't know if this will work or not but I will give it a try. I love my husband and I want to work this out. I will keep yall posted on how it works out.
mzcrit15
Newbie
 
Posts: 2
Joined: Sat Sep 11, 2010 10:04 pm


Re: Second Life Widow

Postby saltychip on Sun Sep 12, 2010 5:49 pm

that sounds like it could work mzcrit15. Hopefully your husband isn't overcome by his urges to play longer. Hours in the real world feel like seconds in the game. Keep us updated :). Goodluck!
My story on how I beat the addiction to WoW
-
User avatar
saltychip
Member
 
Posts: 45
Joined: Thu May 06, 2010 4:27 am
Location: Hawaii



Return to Introductions

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest

cron