Lost my wife...

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Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Sat Aug 22, 2009 8:24 pm

Hello all, glad I can finally vent... This is my story for the last month.

Warcraft became an escape for me and my wife from my life for years but only have hid many of the problems that were already there. Warcraft was not the problem but it was a symptom of a bigger problem that could have been seen more clearly if we weren’t playing wow 6-8 hours a day. I now see that I got so angry with my wife that I took it out on my children, and even somewhat toward my students but I was somewhat happy when I was playing wow.

Now, my wife of 7 years and I are separated after what I thought was a wonderful marriage. She didn’t see those years the same way I did but we both still agree that we are each others best friend. When we met, I had 4 kids, she had 3, and we have one son together. Warcraft was given to us two and a half years ago from my sister-in-law and that is when problems in out relationship grew worse. We both became very addicted to the game and would miss kids activities to raid and quest. My wife’s problem became more troublesome as she stopped working and made excuses why she could only go to college and not work and her contribution around the house decreased. Maybe it was wow, maybe it was my anger intensifying for her living on the computer, but I felt that I was carrying the whole world on my shoulders. Even after graduating last summer with 2 Associates degrees, she didn't work. I grew more and more mean toward everyone around me and increasingly more negative. We were broke each month and I make decent money but taking care of that many people requires a lot. I am a teacher, part time insurance salesman, and private music instructor and cleaned the house when I got home. She rarely cleaned and was a complete slob. I worked my ass off to pay for everything and her contribution became gradually less and less. About 5 months ago I got tired of wow running our lives and briefly stopped our accounts but her obsession grew even greater as she became more withdrawn and her life became her character. Our guild and in-game friends were nicer than to her than I was, maybe I was justified but I’m still trying to figure that one out. She began raiding till 3 or 4am doing 10mans after 25 mans ended at midnight, college for a couple hours a few days a week, and sleeping till raid at 7:00pm became her daily routine. The more angry I got, the more wow she played.

She finally grew tired of my constant harassment to be constructive and be a partner in the marriage. I returned last month from a trip to find that my 30 year old wife had fallen in love with a 19 year old family friend guildie wow head with 8 lvl 80 toons (2 warrior tanks, Human and Gnome just to be different) who lives with his mom and 30 cats. He's a college drop out and part time grocery store employee. “But he understands her” and maybe treats like a high school girlfriend..

After a month of hell and counseling, I can see where wow just made the problem worse and hid issues that were already there. For us, a wow addiction is just a symptom of a much larger problem that lies beneath the surface. I really hoped that we could one day be together but it seems that divorce is now our future. What a shame as I thought she was my soul mate. Guess theres no such thing.
She's at Blizzcon with him now where we went for our vacation last year and it's killing me. I know I am better off without her but it will take time.
Jon
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby red on Sun Aug 23, 2009 5:49 pm

It hurts like hell to be fighting to save your marriage and feel like you're talking to a brick wall.
You shouldnt have to tell your partner to get involved in family life. They should be doing it anyway :(

Sorry to hear that your marriage ended this way - mine is in the process of doing the same, though in my case my husbands WOW addiction morphed into a Second Life addicition (complete with virtual SL wife and virtual affairs)

Not much more to be said really, other than I know how you're feeling and can only hope that after a while the pain eases some.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Sun Aug 23, 2009 5:56 pm

Jon, first off, I'm sorry man. I can relate to so many elements of what's happening with you. So many of the things you describe have happened in my life. Your situation has gone far beyond where mine went, though. The number one thing that should be on your mind right now is you. I think the first steps that you've taken are exactly what you should be doing - recognizing the problems in your relationship, realizing the parts of them where you were at fault, and then start forgiving yourself for those things. They are in your past, and as you realize and forgive yourself for these things, you will be more aware of triggers for them when they come up and become more of the person you want to be. They will also not hurt so much when they come into your thoughts. That is what has been working for me.

My wife and I recently were on the brink of divorce for many of the same reasons you describe. I felt like I'd spent the last few years of my life trying to focus on making myself a better person, for myself, for her and for our kids, and it felt to me as if she could just skate through our lives without putting any real effort into the relationship. Then WoW came along and sucked her right in. WoW for her was an escape from everything - instead of dealing with life, she could just ignore it as it fell apart around her, that's how it felt. It took an explosive argument that ended with plans for divorce to shake us out of the shitty everyday life we were living. It wasn't what I'd wanted, but I just couldn't keep doing it anymore. The next day she decided it wasn't what she wanted either, we took a weekend for ourselves and went away to try to work things out. Since it was essentially over, I think we were more able to be honest with each other, and I think that was important to me because it helped me to be honest with myself. We've come to some understandings and made some agreements that we're following through with and things are working out so far. I'm sorry that your situation has gone so far, but it sounds to me like it's all over except for the shouting. That, to me, was when I was really able to focus on myself, decide what I want and move towards it. Just moving in a positive direction helps, it really does.

This chapter of your life may be over, but you've got many chapters yet to be written bro. Hang in there.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Mon Aug 24, 2009 10:45 pm

Thanks for the responses.
I am starting to look forward and seeing that as hard as this change will be for me, it really is the best. I hate the idea of losing time with my son and the relationship with my step-children but my wife really lost herself these past months/years. Her depression really pushed her into the game so far that it replaced reality. Her every conversation these past two weeks revolved around wow and her new legendary mace.
My fear now is that my wife will soon have a reality check and it may lead her into an even more deeply depressed state. Not only has she made the decision to leave me but has moved 150 miles from her oldest 2 children and has left her 9 year old daughter to be raised by her parents. I believe one of the major reasons for her living with her grand-father and not with her parents is because he has internet access. (He does need a hand though.)
The sad thing is I still adore her,
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Tue Aug 25, 2009 12:19 am

Jon,

From what you described, it sounds like she is setting herself up for a harsh reality check. Letting go can be a painful experience for us when we see the people we love steering themselves towards a cliff, but remember that you don't have to be in the passenger seat. Letting go is sometimes the best thing we can do for ourselves. I don't mean stop loving her, because if you truly love her you wouldn't be able to stop yourself, even if you wanted to. Just that letting go actually releases you.

Take care Jon,
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Tue Aug 25, 2009 3:16 pm

Guess I am a man of two minds.. One wants her back and the other is glad she is gone.

We have been talking off and on about our son, only some about she and I, and as much as I try to be distant and let go she knows that no matter what I say, she could come home anytime she wanted and I would most likely welcome her with open arms. I have a feeling that day might be here sooner than later as reality may be setting in. I wish that I had the strength to be done with her as I am certain that in the long run I will be better off without her. I especially resent every conversation including talk of kill videos and how the bubbles on the raid look so cool.. I miss her and I guess the friends that I had in guild for so long but the thought of playing again scares me. I can't even bring myself to log-in even though I am in another raiding guild on another server now. Plus, sitting there for 4 hours while she raids with the guy/kid she is dating now isn't going to happen and I know that neither of them would leave guild and server.
If she does come home I know I will still have the same issues with her. She already said that if she came home that she would continue to raid and not get a job. She can't work during the day because of college and at night she has to be home for raiding and time with the kids.
How did we get this far into a computer game and where did my balls go?
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Tue Aug 25, 2009 4:08 pm

I know exactly how you feel, Jon. My happy ending just took a roller coaster ride into the abyss this morning. Only yesterday I set up an appointment with a counselor for myself, and during our consultation he told me that the best thing I can do right now is to stay focused on me (this was before my wife and I had what may have been our final argument as a 'couple,' which happened only this morning). Because divorce seems imminent for us, and I do not want to make a misstep that I will regret later, so I called an attorney today and set up a consultation. The funny thing is, during our 20-minute phone call, she also told me that, amongst all of the other preparations I should make for our appointment, the most important thing I can do is to take an honest look at my life and try to figure out where I want to be when the smoke clears. This is the only way, she says, that she can help guide me there.

In short, everything around me is telling me to look inward, and it's good advice. When your counselor and your attorney are telling you the same thing, that just has to be meaningful. I think it's good advice for anyone in a situation like yours or mine. We both know that we can't control the behavior of our SO. They will do what they will do regardless of whatever we choose to do. The only choice that leaves us is where we want to be, because only our own actions can determine the outcome of our lives.

I can't go on living the way I have been living. I would have to drown myself in denial to go back to that and pretend that it's OK, because it's not. The bottom line for me is that, if nothing changes, then nothing changes. It's taken me a long time to admit to myself that I deserve better than what I've been getting, to come to the realization after so many failed attempts that there is not a damn thing I can do to change this person, and to finally accept that the changes I want to bring about in my life can only come from me. That may sound a little harsh, but it is the truth as I see it.

You and I are not nearly the first to have felt this sense loss and failure of coming in second to a damned video game. It's fucking embarrassing. I know it. Your wife's case, though, has taken her to a place where, for me, it would be next to impossible to reconcile. If you think that if she came home tomorrow that nothing would have changed, then I say you should trust that instinct because you're probably right. Knowing that her behavior is not going to change, the questions you have to ask yourself are, is this what you want, could you be happy in that situation, and can you do better for yourself? Depending on where you're at, the answers may come easily, or they may be very difficult. My advice is that you NOT ACT until you're satisfied that you've answered them honestly for yourself. If you bring her back into your home only to discover that she is indeed intent on dragging you down into the next circle of hell, coming out of it will be that much harder.

Take care of yourself first bro, the rest will work itself out.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Wed Aug 26, 2009 11:29 am

Laroo,

Sorry to hear that things have taken a turn for the worst in your relationship. I guess we are on the same rollercoaster as my wife and I have agreed to file for divorce as well. I hate to hear that you are hiring a lawyer as the only winner when lawyers are involved is the lawyers. They will encourage you to use every legal tactic possible to screw your spouse over. Talk with your wife and a mediator before things get to heated. Trust me. It will save you thousands of dollars and maybe keep the two of you cordial. I guess that I should consider myself lucky as my wife and I have gone through some very messy divorces and neither one of us wants to go that route again. We are doing our own paperwork and there may be a little give and take that I may not like but dumping vast amounts into lawyers is just foolish. Please try, you will thank me later.

As much as I might want to work things out with my SO, she feels very strongly that our problems are all my fault and that I am an asshole. But I am OK with that. I think I have to agree that I may be an asshole at times but I am not nearly the asshole now that she is gone. J I truly believe that I became the person I was out of my frustration with her. I think I wanted more. At almost 40 I wanted to be able to afford the things I wanted for me and my family and not be broke at the end of every month. I was tired of dipping into retirement because there wasn’t enough money or praying for the tax return to come in to make the mortgage. In retrospect, my first wife and I were much better off financially and she was extremely motivated and determined (but she kept sleeping with other men) and maybe I expected the same from my current (minus the sleeping with other men thing). My current wife and I had a wonderful friendship and bond that I thought would last forever but she had very little drive unless it was something she wanted to do leaving me to pick up the slack. College, WOW and being healing lead for the guilds we entered, and kid projects on occasion she did tremendously well. She really is a great healer and team lead but I’m not sure if that is a good thing though. Seeing the house, bills, messes, WORK, laundry, her stuff in the garage, the pool, yard, pets, or me as priorities just wasn’t in her personality. She really is a wonderful woman but maybe not the one for me.

I am sure there are women out there for us that will give us the happiness we deserve, just hope they aren’t inflatable.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Wed Aug 26, 2009 1:09 pm

Hi Jon,

I'm sorry to hear that you're not able to work things out, but I think that for both of us, we'll someday see that these events are for the best. I'm wondering if our wives may have been twins separated at birth. I, too, am called the asshole at fault for everything that has gone wrong in our marriage, and I'm at the root of every character flaw she's ever demonstrated. We've had problems for years and I honestly believed that we were finally working things out. Come to find out that working things out means that I do all of the work, or I get out. If I'd just let her play for five hour stretches on weeknights, she'd have no problems.

A couple working a divorce out for themselves is the probably the best thing for everybody if they can be amicable and both have a decent sense of fair play. My wife is not encumbered by a sense of fair play. A lawyer, for me, is an absolute must. My lawyer is sharp, and she is concerned about me getting what I want, not just trying to screw my wife over. If that's what I wanted, I'm sure she'd be very competent at that, too, but in my case, she's the only thing protecting me from an unreasonable, angry woman who wants nothing me than to see me pay for all of the 'wrongs' I've done her. I honestly do not want to take anything away from my wife, rather I am the one who's tried and failed again and again to work out our problems. I don't want her to suffer, I want her to be happy. I just don't want to be crucified for her pleasure.

To top it all off, my inflatable girlfriend left me. I guess that's what I get for using helium. :lol

I'm glad that you will be able to settle things with your wife and move on without holding a grudge. I can tell you truly care for her still, and that is great. The ability to forgive is a quality that will serve you well as you will not be carrying all of the anger and resentment around with you, and you'll be a happier person for it. That's something that seems more and more rare, but my perspective may be skewed about that at the moment.

Take care Jon,
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Thu Aug 27, 2009 4:22 am

Laroo,

Well, tonight must have been a small wake up call for the wife as I had a “done with us” attitude and my house is starting to look as it should have long ago. She was in town for a doctor’s appointment and school supplies and didn’t leave town in time so she had to hit the internet café for her raid time and I got time with my son. I think that based on our conversations and similar discussions with friends, for the first time I didn’t apologize for being an ass or take responsibility for everything leading to divorce. I stayed calm and said I didn’t understand how she could sacrifice all we have without giving counseling a shot and that she is making decisions based on logic that I just can’t understand and never will. Marriage is a partnership whether it be working or cleaning but with 8 kids, both require a lot of hard work. She still doesn’t see that Warcraft played a part in breaking of the relationship even though she just returned from the internet café to grab our son. The other day I came across a quote “ The mind is its own place, and in itself, can make heaven of Hell, and hell of Heaven.” A lot of people aren’t happy with themselves or where they are because they choose not to be.

Although I spent the last month and a half cleaning things that should have been taken care of long ago by my SO, I am starting one step at a time making my home look presentable if/when I start dating. I fixed some paint, steam cleaning carpets, and basically detailed part of the house. Maybe seeing that I can move on also hit home for the first time. I have been asking her to come home every couple days for the last month and a half and tonight, for the first time, I am truly glad we are done as she actually talked and acted like a 19 year old. I felt almost embarrassed for her.

Earlier in the day, when we were getting school supplies for our son, she enjoyed rubbing her relationship with her 19 year old in my face stating how everyone is making fun of her for dating a child listing off our in game friends that are teasing her. It really pissed me off and I just went home to let off steam rather than say something I would regret later. Took every ounce of restraint to walk away from that one but I am glad I did.

Since this all started what seems so long ago, I started sending positive quotes or wisdoms every day to my friends and they actually look forward to them now so I can’t stop. The best one was from a show my kids were watching. “ Fun doesn’t fall to far from the treehouse.” Basically, the meaning I gain, if you aren’t having fun at home it’s your own damn fault.

I am just looking outside for the inflatable woman to land soon,
Take care,
Jon
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:08 pm

BIG QUESTION THAT I NEED HELP WITH.....

My wife and I have been seeing each other (dating a little) and I have been asking and she is considering us seeing each other more to get to know each other all over. This new person that I am trying to be scares her but we enjoy spending time together.
I am working hard on becoming more positive with my children, friends, and hopefully her. Counseling, church, books on changing my attitude to be more positive, and talking with friends with happy marriages and the change in me is really tremendous. My kids, friends, and co-workers really enjoy the "new me". My children don't want my wife back because they feel her not working or helping around the house made me "mean".
The question that I get from friends is: If I am making all these efforts to be a better person for me and her, what is she going to do to make the relationship better? My anger came from frustrations with her not meeting my expectations as a wife whether they were justified or not.
Her answer was nothing. She is still going to raid 7:30-midnight 3 nights plus weekend 10 mans although this is considerably less than before. She will not get a job and she will not become a maid (essentially clean the house).

My plan at this point is to let God handle things and see where things go.
Am I being a fool?
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:50 pm

Hi Jon,

WTf is wrong with us? I think we simply and honestly love the women who are causing us heartache, and knowing they are bad for us, and knowing the futility in that, we still try to bring them around. There ought be a Jerry Springer episode for guys like us. :beer

I think there are so many questions that are so up in the air, I'm not sure if jumping back into this relationship would be a good thing for you, bro. What happened to the 19yo kid that took her to Blizzcon? Is he out of the picture? Still in her guild? Honestly I don't think I could deal with that, but that's just me. You can't be the one to make all of the compromises, Jon, you've probably been there done that and know it won't make you happy in the long run.

If you are serious, and so is she, then don't be pressured to jump right in. Take your time - make the time - to decide what you want, and be sure about it before you make the leap. It will be time well spent.

Because you're a christian (I am assuming due to the church reference), talk to your pastor. I also recommend a book called "The Love Dare," which is a 40-day process with a new 'dare' each day based on biblical principles. However, I also caution you to use this book to learn about yourself, not her. As you may gain a better understanding of what a marriage should be (in this reference), you may come to the conclusion that while it is what you really want, you may not be able to achieve it with this person. Just something to think about.

You and I seem to keep bouncing back and forth in our relationships like fucking ping pong balls. Seriously. :desk There has to come a time, though, when we step out and decide if we want to keep playing the game.

Take care Jon,
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Tawnee on Tue Sep 08, 2009 3:54 pm

Jonathan maybe your wife needs a bit of a wake up call.

I am a sole parent and I HAVE to work and I HAVE to clean my house. Cause no one else is responsible, just me.

See, at the moment your wife has you. If she stays with you she doesn't have to work and clean.

Maybe you should remind her? I hardly know any women that can afford to live on benefits alone (even with child support) so she will have to work. She certainly wont be able to afford the internet and wow without working.

I also agree on the 100% each notion. My ex only put in about 20% and only when pushed, that's why I am single :D
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby amjames77 on Tue Sep 08, 2009 5:09 pm

Hi Jonathan,

Please try and stay focused on how you felt when your SO was still living at home.Frustrated. Angry. Used? Unwanted? Keep in mind that you will feel those feelings all over again if you let her back into your life AND you will feel like a fool for letting her back in.

Enjoy the times you resolve to rise above her and succeed because it makes you a better person and you sure sound like you deserve so much more.

Good luck, I know its easy to say but time IS a great healer, stick to your guns. :hug xxxx
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Tue Sep 08, 2009 5:42 pm

Thanks for the responses.
I am not even sure if we are even going to try again, we are just seeing each other when I get my son for the weekends. As far as the 19 year old, she is just "hanging out with him" but my 6 year old said they were kissing but she and I have sex every time she swings into town(I really don't mind as we never had a problem in that area) even when he was waiting in the car around the block, lol. She says she won't have sex with him because he is 19 and it can't really go anywhere as she is 30 and a mother of 4 but he makes her feel good and appreciated.

The money thing isn't an issue for her as she is staying with her 90 year old grand-father and he takes care of all her financial needs. All she has to do is drive him around, cook, and he gives her cash. The only responsibility she has now is our son. She has her parents raising her daughter who has only known me as a father and her oldest 2 kids are still with their father 2.5 hours away.

I know I will be better off if things don't work out but I keep running into that same sword each time I see her or talk to her. I really love her and want things to work out. I actually started running and preparing for a half-marathin again to keep away from wow and after I talk to her I want to start my account again just to be able to keep in the conversation with new bosses etc.

When we had dinner Friday night it just ruined all the progress I made the last 4 weeks because it was so great.
Guess I am hopeless.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:07 pm

Not hopeless - just feels that way. The hope is the payoff at the end of the tunnel. You just have to pick a tunnel. Both paths may seem dark at the moment, either taking her back or cutting her off, and either way there are bound to be some rough times ahead. You need to take the time to really decide where you want to be at the end of it.

I have to ask, though, if she's telling you she's not banging the 19yo while she's banging you and he's sitting in a car around the block, what do you think she's telling him? I was 19 once, and I don't believe I'd be investing time and money into an older, married woman with no 'payoff.'

Just remember to stay open to your instincts, whatever you decide. If you get the feeling around her that she is full of $hit, trust that instinct because it's trying to tell you something. You've described a woman who takes no responsibility, it seems, for anything in her life. She doesn't sound like a woman who is worthy of your trust at this point in time. You sound like a man who deserves better than that and, despite his feelings, knows it. I think Tawnee is right - a wake up call is bound to be in this woman's in the near future, and it's probably exactly what she needs. It often takes something very painful to shake someone out of their stupor. Maybe realizing she's closed herself off to the one decent man in her life would do it for her, maybe not. If it does, you'll both be better off. If not, you'll be better off.

I'm tellin' ya, love sucks sometimes. Hang in there bro, and take your time. You don't need to figure it out all at once.

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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Tue Sep 08, 2009 9:43 pm

Maybe it would help paint a better picture for you if I included my wifes bagage prior to our marriage and how she made one string of bad choices after another prior to our marriage. She always ran from one relationship to another. I really thought that we had something special that made all her past a non-issue and a chance at what I consider a wonderful, normal life.

The wife got pregnant in high school and had 2 children with a husband that repeatedly fooled around on her.
Shortly after their seperation she had a one night stand resulting in her daughter. The father is a drug addict who has never pays child support.
When her daughter was an infant, she married a Jamacian friend to keep him in the country but acted like a married couple resulting in a child that passed away at birth. He left the country immediatly with all her money.
We met several months later and she(23) got pregnant shortly after we began dating but I think that was more my fault.(damn Jello shots.. lol) but our son is awesome.

I had a history also. I had 4 kids also with my ex-wife who was a crazy bitch pissed that she couldn't have me to go back to.

I really love this woman and want it to work but I think I took on to much responsibility for one person to financially cover. I want to be appreciated for all the effort I put into the relationship. I think she may have run away from the best thing she has ever had.
I just wanted help.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby FadedNovelty on Tue Sep 08, 2009 10:26 pm

As harsh as it may sound, you shouldn't let her come back on her terms. She's the one that left, is she wants back she needs to understand that it comes at a price, no WoW, no 19 year old (which should go without saying!), and of course chores like every other adult has to do. If you let her back they way she is now you're just going to end up miserable. That isn't fair to you or your children. If she doesn't want to come back, better for you imo. It may hurt at first but you deserve someone who wants you and who will be an equal part of the relationship and your life. If she isn't willing to do that don't waste any more time on her besides what relationship you need for your son. Oh, free sex might be nice but it's sending the completely wrong message to her. It's like "Oh it can't be that big of a deal, and I'm so hot that I can do whatever I want and he's still going to want me." You need to let her know that you don't want her the way she is, I don't really know anyone over the age of 19 who would :) Good luck with whatever you do, hopefully it all ends up ok for at least you and your children.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Tawnee on Wed Sep 09, 2009 5:52 am

Ok Jonathan this is gonna be rough.

Please do not read any further if you do not want a 2 x 4.

You wife is 30 with 4 kids, only 1 of which she looks after. She has palmed her oldest 2 to their Dad and her daughter to her parents. I am sure you will end up with your son shortly.

She lives with a grandfather and has no responsibilities.

When she lived with you she wouldn't work or clean.

She sure as shit is having sex with the 19 yr old. Get STD checks now!

I am sorry but is your wife shooting Angel dust from her butt?

She does things and then runs from the responsibilities.

At 30 she should be a Mum to all her kids, maybe at least holding down a part time job and doing her share of the house work.

And sure she has had it tough. So have many people. I was pregnant at 19, his father died at 20. I then met someone else and thanks to "bourbon" I now have a 12 yr old as well. We split up when he was 3 months old as I went crazy with PND and had to go into hospital. I was a single Mum of 2 kids and a waitress at age 29. I worked for 5 months for FREE to get my first office job. I ate 4 meals a week to make sure my kids were fed. I have climbed the ladder all the while looking after both my kids and doing all the fucking housework.

So why does everyone allow your wife to get away with running away?

Even you are allowing her. You are babysitting for her while she goes off with her boyfriend. And sure she is putting out. It keeps you sweet. I bet you are more than happy to help her. She KNOWS you love her and she is using that to her advantage.

Im sorry. Im not emotionally attached to your wife so I am only seeing what you have written without the rose coloured glasses.

Again, I am sorry.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Wed Sep 09, 2009 1:43 pm

Thank you all for telling me what I already know I just wish my heart would have listened two long months ago.

Guess it is time for me to grow up and start thinking of myself and my kids. Everyone who knows me and my SO can't believe what she has done and has always wondered why I let her live such a care free lifestyle for so long. Being broke all the time, living in a pig sty, only focusing on herself with college and wow. I just can't live like that anymore. I don't want to live like that anymore.
Maybe a reality check is the best think for her to grow up as I see the last 2 months as a major life re-evaluation for me. Unless she wants to change or is forced to, she will never grow up and she will continue to hurt those around her, especially her kids.
I don't think I have it in me to call it quits yet but I am going to shut myself off to her physically and emotionally. Maybe if she begins to see I am closing this chapter in my life she might want to change before the book is finished. If not, at least I am moving on with my needs and can stop putting focus on her and trying to bring us together.
Thanks,
Jon
CLIMBING OUT OF THE HELL THAT BECAME MY LIFE...
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby FadedNovelty on Wed Sep 09, 2009 4:34 pm

Good luck! Focus on you and your kid's needs and it will all work itself out in the end, whether that's without her or she suddenly grows up about 20 years you'll be better off in the end either way. I think you've already started the process, at least mentally. Comparing your last posts to your first one you can see a big difference.
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Fri Sep 11, 2009 2:05 pm

Thank you for all your help and advice with this difficult situation.

I called my wife today and just explained to her that I needed more from her if there was going to be a chance for us to work things out. I needed her to focus on she and I building our relationship from ground level and trying to make things work out even at a distance. She says that she cannot commit to a relationship with me or anyone at this point and wants to focus on herself. Her only focus right now is losing weight, running, kids, her grandfather and Warcraft. She doesn't want to date anyone that she will be committed to or be required to talk with every day.

I told her I needed more than she is willing to offer and that I want to move on with my life. I really love this woman but I need direction and waiting on her to come home or decide she wants to start again is more than I can take. We are going to file the divorce papers in October and I can finally have closure. This decision was very difficult but will be the best for me and my children.

Thanks for the slap to the face or was it a 2 X4? I heard the same thing from so many of my friends and family but I just didn't want to listen.
Jon
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby laroo on Fri Sep 11, 2009 7:06 pm

Hi Jon,

It sounds like she wants a paycheck without having to show up at work. Don't feel bad for firing her! :jeebus
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Tawnee on Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:11 pm

I would have felt really bad about what I posted and what you did if you had not put down that everyone that knows you both in real life has said the same thing!

You need to take care of you and your children.

You have done the best you can and now she needs to live with her choices. :hug
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Re: Lost my wife...

Postby Jonathan on Fri Sep 11, 2009 10:48 pm

Well, guess I don't have the balls I thought I did. This afternoon my first wife set me straight after I told her I wanted to divorce my current. She has always seen things a lot more clearly when it comes to relationships. In her opinion, if we were to have been seperated, I should have been out being more social and seeing what was out there rather than sitting at the house for 2 months waiting for the phone to ring. It's time I started having fun and going out for a change. It makes sense for me to see other people and take time "for me" to make a smarter decision before filing the paperwork in case things have a way of working out.
Time will tell.
Jon
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