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New Here...

Postby hmg24 on Sun Jul 18, 2010 8:48 am

Hi. I was researching gaming addiction and came across these forums- my boyfriend spends copious hours on his computer, and never seems to have time for me anymore. It would be great if I could get some insight from others affected by this.

Thanks.
hmg24
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Re: New Here...

Postby Outsider on Thu Jul 22, 2010 9:22 pm

hmg24 wrote:Hi. I was researching gaming addiction and came across these forums- my boyfriend spends copious hours on his computer, and never seems to have time for me anymore. It would be great if I could get some insight from others affected by this.

Thanks.


Hi hmg24,

I am new here as well, found this site the same way you did. Guess we're in the same boat here. My BF plays Star Trek Online anywhere between 5 - 15 hours a day. All depends on his work schedule.
If I'm lucky he'll watch a movie or TV show with me. He doesn't like going out anymore, and sometimes in between watching commercials he'll run to the computer to check his forum posts. I have tried just about everything to get his attention away from his game but no luck.
Our sex life is non existent, we went from 5-7 times a week down to once a month if I'm lucky. His excuse is because I am always tired. Going to bed at 2 or 3am and waking up at 6:30 of course I am tired. We have the computer in the bedroom so it's hard to sleep with all the noise he makes. I tried making up a game to get the sex back, I'd give him little bonuses and free choice picks. but he wasn't interested.
I tried to play the game with him, I thought It might be fun, he had me sign up it lasted a week and he told me I wouldn't be good at it. He told me to start playing Lord of the Rings, I did and can't play it for longer than 2 hours, it's not me.
Anytime I bring up his game and his friends on his list he tells me it's just a game and stop bitching about it. I just find it hard because it is JUST a game and he chooses to play that and talk with his friends more in one day then he spends with me in a week. P\m at a loss and not sure what to do, I have threatened to leave him, but each time he says he doesn't want that to happen and he'll spend more time with me, it lasts a day or 2.
I guess I am here as well to get input and to just know I am not alone.
Outsider
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Re: New Here...

Postby livingtemple on Fri Jul 23, 2010 6:28 pm

hmg24 and outsider,


I can totally relate.

My husband thinks that if we spend anymore time together - it's codependant. Funny thing is that he sees nothing unhealthy about spending 20 hour raiding stints with his guild.

I started out being passive agressive by making snide comments and then added all out anger by yelling and slamming doors and that morphed into just a revolving door of both. The only thing that changed was that we added arguing to the relationship. Later, I figured I'd just ignore him but the passive agressiveness just seethed from my spirit.

Ugh.

After the constant tension I began carving out a life of my own which means not including him in much........but that's not a stretch since he's happy to be left alone. I began making him meals without resentment and if the resentment was present I'd forgo it. I made the choice to do things for him because I wanted to - not to evoke an action on his part. Thinking that treating him as you wish to be treated in re: to gaming is a losing battle ladies that only wears you in the ground, dries you up and blows you away. Treat him kindly and respectfully but know your boundaries/limitations.

I hated the bitch I was turning into. It didn't help that he also watches porno from time to time (Yes he knows I know and so I've come to accept it - don't like it but he will not give it up.) So added to my bitchiness was this layer of wild jealousy. Then, I don't know when exactly, I just prayed for peace in my own heart and meditated on my own worth and that MY VALUE IS NOT DEPENDANT ON HIM DOING THINGS WITH ME.

My value is value no matter what he ( or anyone) does outside of me. That changed the entire playing field. Now? I am pursuing things I never considered before and maybe would not have pursued (interesting note here) had he always been at my beckon call.

Question you may want to ask yourself is this, "If _____ was not gaming, what would I want from him/her?" and/or "What if ____ gave up gaming completely...then what?" Do you have your laundry list of things you'd like him to do and/or do with you? How good would you feel knowing now that you are his program director? I know, you want balance and you don't want him 24/7....just more than you are getting now - right? Problem that can arise from him "quitting" because you want him to is that you will become the object of his resentment and he may return with burning penchant for gaming more than before.

He/She needs to quit because it is their choice - not ours.


Another point I want to make, once he/she were to quit, then what would you consider balance in things you do together? What hobbies will you approve of now that gaming is out of the picture? See how warped it can become AFTER the "drug" of choice is abandoned? Because the "drug" here (aka gaming) will be replaced...........with something. And be ready to then work out what is balanced hobby time vs unhealthy. Maybe his gaming has freed you up to do things you like....and he will ask you to give up as he's given up his/her hobby. Get ready.

Get couples counseling if you can (I asked my husband to go and he refused so...I went by myself and it helped ME!)
If he's game (!) then begin the recovery process as kindhearted as you can - be glad he's willing to try
If he's not willing to take the steps to change then you have two choices:

1) Stay or
2) Leave

I'm rootin' for you!


livingtemple
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Re: New Here...

Postby Outsider on Sat Jul 24, 2010 9:06 pm

Before my bf started playing STO he would play other games, which was fine he played for a few hours a night. Before he started playing we had a very active sex life, we would visit with friends and family, go out for a date night one night every 2 weeks, go to movies, he'd play with his daughter while she was here, we would go to the parks, zoo etc... Now that he plays, he skips work, doesn't leave the house unless it's to go to work or pick up his daughter (we have her one night a week and every other weekend) he lets her watch TV all weekend because he is too busy playing his game, I have to nag him to take her out and spend time with her, his and her laundry goes undone, I have started to do a few outfits for her since he doesn't take the time, he feeds her quickly and back to his game, I have my own children, before moving in together we agreed I would do and provide for mine and he would for his.
Anniversaries, birthdays and important dates go by because he forgets, after reminding him weeks and then days in advance. Our 5 year anniversary just passed, he forgot when I reminded him he said he didn't have money to do anything, but he has money to spend on his gaming stuff. His daughter needs new clothes she is growing, but he doesn't seem to care. He stopped caring about all of us, and to me that is a huge concern.

Counselling is out of the question, he refuses. I could go but what good will it do, he won't see how this is effecting everyone around him. I haven't asked him to quit his game, just limit the time he plays and start paying attention to the people around him who he says he cares about. I do have my own things to do and do them without him.
I've wondered if it was me and he was trying to avoid being with me because something is wrong with us, but it's not me, he ignores his daughter's needs as well. I have tried just about everything, and if I bring it up he tells me it's just a game or he doesn't want to fight with me about it. It's not a fight i'm looking for I just want to talk about how his gaming is making me feel and how it's effecting myself, his daughter and him. I have started to step back a bit when it comes to his daughter, because i don't want to poor girl to become really attached and then me leave. It's not her fault, but also not fair to her.

I could start doing everything on my own, and just ignore him, but I know I am going to start resenting him because I am always doing everything alone. Next step is leaving him, and he has almost left me with no choice. I am staying for right now and seeing how it plays out, but believe me I am keeping my eyes open for a new place to live, new friends, a happier life. I should be thinking about spending the rest of my life with him and growing as a family, but I can't as long as this continues.

I hope the way you're going about it works out for you livingtemple.
Outsider
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Re: New Here...

Postby livingtemple on Sun Jul 25, 2010 12:29 am

Outsider,


Sounds like you have some big decisions to make and that you are very aware - good for you.

Seeing you are not married yet - keep evaluating and ask yourself (if you have not already) "Do I really want to sign up for this?" You are wise to begin looking at options like alternative housing etc.

I sent my husband some hard-hitting articles on gaming yesterday and when I came home...he was sitting on the couch... at a time he usually is raiding. I asked him what was up and he admitted the article and all I said really hit him hard. What was different this time was that he didn't get angry or defensive. He was seriously introspective. We discussed our options - I told him I love him but and that at this point, it doesn't matter who we got here...fact is, we are here.

I explained that I am done resenting but will have set backs from time to time and that I'm not sure what next year holds and said that he has a lot of serious personal considerations to make concerning us and himself. This momen of sobriety enabled me to ask him what his goals were and he shared openly without irritation. He said, "How can I play and be happy knowing this is tearing our relationship apart?"

I said, "Good question - how will you do that?"

He came to bed this a.m. around 9am after promising to come to bed at midnight - didn't surprise me but man, for him to keep breaking his word is eating him up more than me bitching about him being a flake. He knows he's a flake. We talked and then went to breakfast and had a really easygoing time - it hasn't been this relaxed in a looooong time. Took our time coming home and then he gamed all day and says now he wants to come to bed early (2am) and then sleep so we can go to the movie tomorrow. I made him dinner and served it to him at his computer. ..and I'm at peace :clap

He may be cool for a few days and then relapse but at least I know it.

Bottom line is this - my value does not come from him or what he does to or with me. I am priceless in my own right. As much as I love this man, I have come to terms with reality and reality says he has an addiction and I have choices and I'm not a victim.

None of us are.

I'm a praying woman so I will be praying for us all here. We need some good thoughts coming our way - and so do the men and women we love.
livingtemple
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Re: New Here...

Postby Outsider on Sun Jul 25, 2010 1:49 am

livingtemple,


I know my bf has an addiction and I am trying hard to stand by him, but it is tough. We went through this a couple years ago with porn, he was downloading it daily and looking at it for hours at a time, I know he was addicted but when I brought it up he denied it. It's like that all over again. He gave up on the porn (still peeks, but doesn't think I know). I'm just very concerned because it's effecting him and it might be too late once he realizes there is a problem. He's at work for maybe 3 hours out of his 9 hour day, the rest of the time he's at home playing his game. He chats on the game chat or on vent with his friends which makes it almost impossible to talk to him about anything.

If you can remember those articles you showed your husband could you please post the links so I can show my bf, maybe it'll help him as well.

Tonight he seemed a little better, but like most other time's it doesn't last. Tonight he did some of his and his daughters laundry, we went shopping, he was going to buy a new keyboard for his game $100.00, but seen I was bothered and didn't buy it. That money could go to some other things he has been neglecting. He's back on it again tonight, not sure for how long, it's 1:30am now maybe he'll log off by 3am.

The thing that really bothers me is when I do bring it up he gets very defensive and doesn't listen to all I have to say. He says it's not his fault I am unhappy, but then he doesn't listen to why I am unhappy. He says he doesn't want to fight, meaning I don't want to talk about it. When he is neglecting himself, myself and his daughter then yes it makes me unhappy.

I do all the housework, pay the bills, half of the cooking and take care of my own children (teens and 20) they don't need much but still live with me and I am still their mom. I gave up doing his laundry awhile back, when I would do it and fold it I'd have him put it away but they would end up on the floor and then in the hamper for me to wash again.

It' just really sad because at one time we both knew what each other were thinking, how each other's moods were just with say hi and how to change it quick, always had something to laugh and talk about, never wanted to be apart for long, happy to see each other after work etc.. But now it's none of that. He's excited to know what's new with his friends on his game, what new powers he can use, who wrote what in the forums, how he and his friends think a like when posting or playing etc...

Like I said I am giving it time, but not investing too much more into this relationship unless things change.

"Bottom line is this - my value does not come from him or what he does to or with me. I am priceless in my own right."
Thanks for saying the above, you are right and I needed to be reminded and I'm sure more women out there need to be reminded.

Enjoy the movie tomorrow! Take care!
Outsider
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Re: New Here...

Postby Outsider on Sun Jul 25, 2010 3:56 am

Almost 4am here. Seems he can't stay away for very long. If he misses time during the evening he has to make up for it once he gets on. Tonight he's been on vent all night and the computer is in our bedroom, so I can't sleep while he's talking away and clicking away. Maybe one day he'll see I need sleep too. I have suggested he move the computer but no, he thinks that would be a huge inconvenience for him with others distracting him. Ending my rant now...
Outsider
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Re: New Here...

Postby Jiellen29 on Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:31 am

hmg24 wrote:Hi. I was researching gaming addiction and came across these forums- my boyfriend spends copious hours on his computer, and never seems to have time for me anymore. It would be great if I could get some insight from others affected by this.

Thanks.


New here too,hope you will not ignore me co'z i wanna learn here...
Jiellen29
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