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Hello

Postby wowwidow041 on Fri Sep 03, 2010 12:50 pm

I'm new to this board and am happy to have found it.

My husband has, over the past 11 or so years, gradually gotten more and more addicted to the gaming life. I even feel he's having a hard time distinguishing between real life and virtual life.

If he's not playing it he constantly complains of feeling ill and lays down and has no motivation to do anything.
As long as he is playing it with no time bounderies, etc. he's happy energetic and on cloud nine.

He's gone as far as staying up all night. He is recently gone on disability claiming he is to sick to work.

He ignores me TO DEATH!

Moody and tired all the time.

Has lost interest in his children.....one 6 and one 17. Sooooo heartbreaking and unbelievable this is my life.

This is not what I would have ever expected of my life. I'm thinking about getting rid of the computers. (he recently set one up in the garage so he can sneak out there and play) I didn't even know there was one out there until about a week ago. He's very mischivious with it. Very guarded. Very disconnected and has turned into quite the liar!

I don't know what to do.

I've finally submitted to it as a way of life but that is when things started getting really out of control with it! I would quess he's putting 60 to 80 hours a week into the game.

Any help would be wonderful.

Thank you!
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Re: Hello

Postby wowwidow041 on Sun Sep 05, 2010 6:37 am

No responses? I reached out today which, as many f yu must know ......it's a hard thing to finally do. Some advice, a shoulder or just some understanding would be so greatly needed at this point in my marraige.

Thank you!
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Re: Hello

Postby saltychip on Sun Sep 05, 2010 8:17 am

hello wowwidow041,

these forums aren't as active as I would like. Its a shame really but anyway, I used to be severely addicted to world of warcraft and what really made me stop was relationship problems with my GF(now ex) at the time. Once you get the best gear and best stuff you can acquire at that point in time you realize how meaningless and worthless the game really is. After a raid I would sit in the main city of ironforge and just stand there like a statue for people to bask in my glory, i was the best geared class on my server with the number 1 arena team on my whole server. I felt soo awesome, but in the end i realized it meant nothing. It was a false feeling of satisfaction. Like having the most amazing life ever in your head and then waking up one day and realizing it was all a dream and now your anti social, no money, and no girlfriend.

After that point I uninstalled wow and moved on with my life. The urge to play wow is always there. I used to play 12-15 hours a day. After i quit and uninstalled the first time, i reinstalled the game about 6 months later and played private servers only(their free and really buggy). Played for another 3 months then uninstalled, then I reinstalled again about a month ago to play arena and battlegrounds on a private server. Then just yesterday I uninstalled again. The feeling and addictive urge fades considerably when you start playing on a private server. At least for me it did. Now i can uninstall and walk away as I please.

I would recommend trying to have a discussion with your husband about this. Get a pen and paper and draw down the center of it. List the positives and negatives of his gaming addiction, or let him list them himself. Then get another piece of draw down the center again. Now put "what I wish we did together or I could do" at the top and let you and your husband write down maybe 5-10 things that you wish you could do together as a couple or just do in general. For example.

Wife /// Husband
Wife: wish we could go out Husband: wish i could play wow everyday
twice a week to dinner

Wife: watch a movie and cuddle more often.

random things like that. More than likely your husband will put down really hardcore things like play wow 24/7 or something but if he actually makes an effort with this than its progress. Once you each have 5-10 things, let the other person pick like 3 of your list. So you pick 3 of his and he picks 3 of yours. You probably wont pick his playing wow and he'll get angry or something. BUT, this is where compromises come in, you say. Alright, i'll let you play wow tomorrow night for 4 hours or something if you take me out tonight or watch a movie and cuddle with me tonight. It's best if you don't try to make an addict just stop instantly, they will have withdrawals and go ballistic on you. You have to gradually wean him away from it. the "no sex" rule works too I heard but i'm a virgin by choice so I can't really comment on that one.

Make it like a real life quest for him to accomplish so he feels some sort of reward is given. In the end going back to basics usually works. Most addicts have some inner struggle for why they become addicted to something. Mine was because I let my shyness and feeling like i wasnt good enough over take me. I had girlfriends in the past that stomped over my heart and i ran to wow to seek comfort. The final blow came from the girl I quit wow over actually because she called me "weak" and really derogatory things to me. It was because I was a skinny warcraft nerd weighing maybe 120 pounds soaking wet. It hurt my feelings and eventually made me lose feelings and respect for her.

So after that I quit wow a week or so later and started working out to prove to her I wasn't "weak". Months went by and I continued to work out 7 days a week to prove a point to her, but in the end it was for me because i broke out of my shell and became a new person thanks to it. So i really owe her some credit, she did me a favor. In the end I gained over 20+ pounds of muscle and am now in shape and wow free.

I always have the urge and desire to want to go play it but now its contained when before it was a wild fire. Your husband has to find the inner strength to contain his addiction, you seem like a devoted and loyal partner being able to stick by his side through all this. I am a firm believer that real love is an extremely powerful force and can overcome any obstacle if both people work together.

I'm only 18 so I don't have that much life experience but I know enough to say that if your husband loves you enough and he isn't already lost to the addiction. He will do whatever is required in order to keep you. I know if I was addicted to wow again like I used to be, i'd do whatever I had to do to keep my current gf. She means everything to me. As you should mean everything to your man. He's just trapped right now in a dark place, he thinks hes happy and its a good life but hes blind. I've been down the same path before, once he removes the blinders and sees the truth all will change for the better.

I like to live by this famous quote

"When you get into a tight place and everything goes against you until it seems that you cannot hold on for a minute longer, never give up then, for that is just the place and time when the tide will turn."


I read this blog of a lady that is married to a man that is a WoW addict. They have 3 kids together and she posts almost everyday about her struggles of keeping the relationship together and what to do. I think now the husband has left their house and moved back in with his parents in order to play 24/7 and they are now getting a divorce. Shes a girl and probably could explain better than a guy like me could. I'll link you the blog and you can read it yourself. I'd suggest starting at the first post maybe instead of the most recent one :). Reading a blog posted by a woman will maybe be able to explain better than I can and give you some tips or things to try to save your marriage.

http://warcrackwidow.blogspot.com/

I hope everything works out for you!

PS. you wanted an answer i hope that one was long enough :).


EDIT- 1 more thing, have your husband read these posts from http://wowdetox.com, whenever I get the urge to play wow or something I read those and the feeling always fades away!

look at this one

"My girlfriend and I were going to get married , move in together and spend the rest of our lives together. She is in her late 40's. Her WOW addiction has ended all this. She basically doesn't give a d@mn about anything other than her make believe online life. All she thinks about is her stupid characters and her next raid or quest. It's embarrassing. She comes home from work and jumps on the computer to play WOW. She eats her dinner at the computer chatting with her preteen and teenage friends in her guild. They have no idea this person they are playing with is a grown woman with children older than them.
As for me I am done. I am leaving her. She has no interest in real life. She is so consumed by her silly quests and upgrading her character that she is missing everything going on around her in real life. Her mind is so caught up in WOW that she won't/can't face the real issues and problems and joys of everyday life. I can't get her to focus on our real lives and on real issues. When she is on her silly quests she doesn't want anyone to talk to her or disturb her in any way. She says it is not fair to the other members of her raid group. I think she has lost it. They could care less about her. These are young men mostly in their late teens or early 20s. Her loyalty to them is more important to her than her own family. All she does, is jump on the computer constantly to check her characters.and see who is on.
I am leaving her. If she ever got off WOW for long enough to experience reality she would know I am done with her. She would sense it. I do not want to be in a relationship by myself. Even though she lives for WOW "
My story on how I beat the addiction to WoW
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saltychip
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Re: Hello

Postby Tawnee on Sun Sep 05, 2010 4:09 pm

:welcome wowwidow 41,

Sorry I didn't respond yesterday. It was Fathers Day here in Australia and on these boards we know RL should and does come first.

Having said that I have BTDT. Not to your extend. My ex gamer was my partner not my husband or Father of my 2 kids. We did live together. I worked 50 hrs a week, did all the cleaning, cooking, bill paying, gardening etc.

I remember one time I was wheelbarrowing bark chip to the garden and the ex just sat on his butt and then a friend came over. So for 1/2 hour while friend was at my house he did the bark chip. As soon as she left he sat back down on the compter *sigh*.

I felt the same way you did. Except when we fought about the game he turned violent. We could fight about anything else and he was fine, but the game..... I was punched, chocked, tripped, pushed into walls.

He gamed for 80 hours a week.

I finally kicked him out.

Some widows have tried going on strike, no cooking, cleaning etc for him only the kids and definately no nookie.

I don't understand Fathers that ignore their kids. He made a choice to have them and that is HIS responsibility as much as yours. He needs to man the fuck up and be a Dad.

Im sorry that I am not one of the widows that found a way to get through to her gamer so I could advise you.

However 2 1/2 years on my life is peaceful. The kids and I are great. No stress, no resentment. I have moved forward in my career.

Last I heard of my gamer is that he lives with 2 mates, had a baby he doesn't see, gets fired from different jobs and surprise surprise....still games hardcore.

I will happily support you. I will listen while you vent. Just having someone listen to me helped greastly as friends really did not understand. It's just a game! Arrrghhh!!!
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Re: Hello

Postby lavendar58 on Mon Sep 06, 2010 10:14 am

Hi I am also new, and I want to say that it's good for you that you are reaching out to others to gain support. I am in a 2 year relationship with someone who is a "second lifer" and now is constantly on a facebook war game. It's not nearly as severe as your case, but is definately interferring with our relationship... I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about computer addictions. You deserve to have your spouse's attention and time...Since I am also new, I don't know the answer, but wanted to say sorry for your situation...
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Re: Hello

Postby Jiellen29 on Wed Oct 20, 2010 12:27 am

lavendar58 wrote:Hi I am also new, and I want to say that it's good for you that you are reaching out to others to gain support. I am in a 2 year relationship with someone who is a "second lifer" and now is constantly on a facebook war game. It's not nearly as severe as your case, but is definately interferring with our relationship... I wonder what Dr. Phil would say about computer addictions. You deserve to have your spouse's attention and time...Since I am also new, I don't know the answer, but wanted to say sorry for your situation...


I am newbie here too,but i learn a lot from your post...

Thanks a lot guys!!
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