Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

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Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Thu Sep 30, 2010 11:49 pm

I have a baby under a year. My husband has been playing Starcraft II since it came out. As soon as he gets up in the morning he either goes online and plays or he looks up video tutorials about how to play Starcraft better.

I am a stay-at-home mom. He works 40+ hours a week and I respect that. But he works the late shift, 3:30-midnight. When he comes home he goes straight online (he says he can't sleep because he isn't tired). He usually plays till 3 or 4 in the morning. Since the baby wakes me up at 6 am, this means that we have to get up and move quietly around the house untill 11 or 12, when he is ready to get up. Like I said, as soon as he gets up he goes online, usually to look at tutorials. If I make him take the baby for a while he still goes on the computer and just halfheartedly bounces the baby on his lap. Most of the time I give the baby lunch while I make his breakfast. He comes out to eat, and then usually goes back and plays until he has to get ready for work again. About once a week he goes to the store with me and then talks the rest of the week about how much he helps me, he went to the store with me and got no time to himself. We have only one vehicle so I can't go while he's at work, and it is RIDICULOUSLY hard to go on errand after errand, or do 2 weeks worth of grocery shopping and load and unload the car with a completely maxxed out infant, if I go in the mornings while he is sleeping.

Right now he is on the computer; he works during the day on Thursdays. So he got home at 7, I made him dinner and then put the baby to bed. I have been packing on my own all week for a major trip we are taking, starting tomorrow. He was supposed to help me and load the car tonight. Instead, he told me he is so tired and that he needs a break. So now I have to finish packing, and tomorrow he will load the car. This is what happened the last trip we took, when the baby was even smaller. Ironically, the way he talks about it, it is the LOADING of the car that is the REAL hard job. I do a lot of babywearing as I pack, and I am very creative about switching the baby's activities to be able to work longer. But sometimes on the weekend I just want to leave him the baby and a note: "I WILL BE BACK IN 12 HOURS. MILK IS IN FRIDGE. IF ALL ELSE FAILS TAKE THE BABY OUTSIDE. HAVE FUN!" I rarely get out of the house, I use the bathroom with the baby in a seat by the tub, I don't even have time to wear makeup. And he complains to me that he doesn't get enough time to himself. I am slowly going mad. Any suggestions?

I guess what I want the most is someone to tell me either to chill, I don't have it that bad, or that this is ridiculous and it really is unfair that I am the only one acting like an adult.
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby Tawnee on Fri Oct 01, 2010 3:35 am

Welcome SCWife :welcome

So I gather he is the Father of said child.

And he works 40+ hours a week.

Well being a SAHM you work 168 hours a week. That is 128 hours a week more than him.

So either tell him this and tell him to pull his finger out or go the single Mum route and get at least every second weekend to yourself.

I work 50 hours a week, have 2 kids and do it solo. Dishes, housework,homework, taxi, shopping, cooking etc etc.

And I work fulltime, so what is his excuse? You definately need time to yourself, time as a couple and time as a Mum. He needs all of this too.

Maybe explain this to him and set up a schedule. You look after bub during the time he works, he gets down time after work (1 hour) then he spends time with bub (bathing, dinner, lunch, walk, whatever) while you get some down time, then time as couple. After this you both get time seperately.

I am a big believer in having your own time (both Mum's and Dad's) and not living in each other's back pockets. But you seriously need a date night once a week. If you can't get babysitters or afford to go out, go hire 2 dvd's. 1 his choice, 1 yours. Get chocolate and popcorn. A nice bottle of wine if you are inclined. Then some wild monkey sex. (don't you hate it when they ignore you for days and THEN want nookie?).

Let me know how your talk goes. Mention the hours you work. Mention the wild monkey sex. see how ya go.

All the best.
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby Jonathan on Fri Oct 01, 2010 11:37 am

Dear Starcraftwife,

my two cents…

My ex-wife and I were the same exact way as your husband and thank goodness I got away from that life. Running home for lunch and at night playing till the last minute before I had to run the kids to a sports practice(or skipping for a instance run), eating meals at the computer and staying up till the early morning gaming... Many of us here have lived the life your husband is living or the one you are dealing with.

What you must realize is that it is going to take a lot to change his current behavior. His existence in the game is more important in many ways to RL than that of you and your child. SAD TRUTH!!! He feels complete and life is clutter free in-game. Rewards are instant and relationship/friends in game understand his obsession and congratulate him when he hits an achievement or gets a new gear piece or level. You have a lot working against you.

Ultimately, you are going to have to make a decision forcing him face the problem head on. Schedule the times/days that he games, watches the baby and times for you to have your space. When you have your time, go out and really live it up... out with the friends to RL activities (but invite him every time and get a sitter). concerts, clubs, ballgames, karaoke, bowling. whatever. really dress up HOT when you do it too :eek

Maybe his family can say something to him that would make him take notice?

Understand that there will always be a new expansion to the game or another better one will come along. Resolve this gaming addiction somehow now or you will end up waiting for him for years... After a year, I know I am so much better divorced than living a failed marriage. hopefully your situation can be resolved and you can save your marriage.... I pray you have more luck than I did.

Jonathan
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Mon Oct 04, 2010 5:31 pm

Well thanks for the suggestions. Since the baby was born I feel like it has been a huge competition: MY job is harder. No, MY job is harder. Etc. The difference is that I have worked full time, he has never taken care of the baby full time. So I know his lot, but he doesn't really know mine. His cap is about 30 minutes. I watch the clock; when he finishes watching the baby I always ask how long it's been. He always doubles or triples the time (if it was 20 mins for example he says 40-60. Then when I tell him how long its really been he says I'm wrong which starts yet another argument.)

The worst is that I am trying to fill in the financial cracks by working from home; so since I am basically alone in childcare I put the baby to bed at 7:30 and work in the office from 8-2 am, stopping whenever the baby wakes. Even though I go to bed at 2, I still have to get up at 6 with the baby. So I'm a zombie, and have to nap when the baby does to stay functioning. This is always mentioned in the arguments: "YOU can take naps during the day. I'M at work."

I have often thought it would be easier if we split up; at least then I wouldn't EXPECT any help. I recently tried a Google search to see what other SAHMs with unhelpful partners do; it was all advice on how to juggle the work alone. No one had successfully persuaded their partner to pull their own weight. Really really depressing. And that's even without the gaming-addiction problem. This was just average guys. So what hope do WE have?

By the way I have SO much respect for single mothers. I think that is a truly undeerrespected job.
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby Tawnee on Tue Oct 05, 2010 2:53 am

Lolo SCWife,

Sometimes I think us single Mums have it easier. My kids are older now so I am lucky. When they were young I had every second weekend off to sleep, sleep in, go to the toilet with the door closed, shower for 1/2 hour, go out with friends, watch a grown up show instead of kids tv!

I know you get it!

Now they are older I also get to make all/most decisions on how they are raised, no one undermining me, no one making me the bad guy, my money is MY money.

My kids are lovely wonderful people.

I also have way less resentment as I KNOW I have to take the bin out, I KNOW I have to do the garden etc etc.

Literally time him next time he takes the baby. Write it down on a piece of paper and walk off. Then show him the truth. They all lie to show they do more and play less. That's part of the issue.
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Tue Oct 05, 2010 10:03 am

Sometimes I am so angry I feel like its poisoning me. I see a mess he left for me, or something left undone that he faithfully promised to do, and I'm suddenly so angry I'm shaking even though it's really just a little thing. I don't even really know if I love my husband any more - can you really love someone you resent, someone you spend most of your time hating?

We were married for five years before I got pregnant and we had a good relationship. Sure, he's always been lazy and finger-pointing and games too much. But we were best friends. Now I feel like the baby has thrown all his faults into sharper relief and I really can't remember, most days, why I married him.

He has actually said, more than once, that I put my needs before the baby's. I quit a great, well-paying job I LOVED and was fantastic at to stay home and raise my child. If I'm hungry and the baby is hungry, guess who eats? Many times I have waited so long to go to the bathroom I have nearly gone in my pants. The baby comes into the bathroom with me, sometimes fussing to be held while I'm on the toilet. I get up every morning hours before I want to, because the baby's awake, and I do it with a smile so my child doesn't learn to hate mornings. I wake up in the middle of the night and read, sleep-starved as I am, because I used to finish a book every other day and I rarely get a chance to read during the day any more.

Its not that I don't love my baby or regret having one. I just don't think my husband would know self-sacrifice if it bit him in the butt.

We have daily arguments over the division of childcare, housework, and other responsibilities. I always lose. He says he games so much because I'm always angry, he hates to be around me and doesn't want to do anything for me. I told him if he wants me to be less angry he needs to help out more; he says no, I have to be less angry first. Even though I'm angry because he doesn't help out. At the end of the argument he always trumps with, "Well you're not working. The baby and the house are your JOB." I've tried writing down every minute of both our days to show him that my working hours and conditions SUCK. Even though my overwheming workload is clear, he says he comes out ahead. I mean, how do you reason with someone unreasonable?
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby Jonathan on Tue Oct 05, 2010 1:56 pm

I think this may actually be a time for you to make a difficult decision that is best for you and your child. If I may, I would recommend that if you have a friend(responsible female) or relative that you can stay with for a bit, move out and let him know you are seriously concerned with his choices.. Dont do anything rash like hire a lawyer or start dating anyone till he gets a chance to truly put his priorities in order.. It may take a couple weeks for him to realize what has happened and it will. Counseling maybe if he agrees.
You may find out that things can be worked out together once he takes note or that there were more issues than just the gaming that caused the rift in your relationship but... MOST IMPORTANT.. take time to make smart, mature decision because they will last a lifetime and he will always be the father of your child.

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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Tue Oct 05, 2010 4:40 pm

I have said I think counseling is needed at this point to save our marriage. Marriage counseling, not just counseling for him. He says we can't afford it. And we don't need it.

I'm really embarrassed to stay with family or friends, believe it or not three of my sisters have or had much worse husbands: one was married to a physically and emotionally abusive, cheating drug addict, one is separated from a bipolar, emotionally retarded, physically and verbally abusive jerk who got someone else pregnant a few months before their wedding, and my other sister is married to the biggest liar, an ignorant and arrogant pig who is at the very least verbally abusive. So I feel like a baby, complaining that my husband is lazy and games too much. I feel I need to work it out. Btw, we are NOT white trash. I don't understand how we all ended up with husbands like we did. I think we were all really naive when we got married.

I was thinking of the dates suggestion; we have gone on two in five months. I arranged both dates and babysitters. I have literally dressed in a see-through teddy before I put the baby to bed and come back 30 mins later to find my husband online. He ignores me till he's done playing, THEN turns off the game and is interested. At which point I throw something sharp and pointy at his head and go to bed alone. I feel like we're more roommates than husband and wife. Or like its not his kid, not his problem. (There is no doubt he is the father. I don't cheat, never have, and besides the baby could be his clone.)
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby Tawnee on Wed Oct 06, 2010 3:56 am

Hey SC, we get it, we really do.

I have lived it, I understand the resentment. Look at my signature. Yes it is crass but it was my Mum's favourite saying when us girls had man problems. It doesn't mean literally fucking, more like is the shit you get from this relationship worth the good stuff?

I know you have to work on a relationship but is it truely meant to be this hard? I don't think so!~

Do an in house seperation. Tell him. You look after you and the baby. he looks after himself. Every Friday night to Sunday night he takes over the child care. Oh, and he can also hand over most of his pay to you as child support! :lol

If he won't work on this with you, won't cut the time gaming, wont help with the baby, then what the fuck is he doing?

Look, I will admit that after leaving my gamer and having my life be 200% better I do lean more toward leaving than staying.

But this is your LIFE here! You only have one. Why spend it angry, resentful, unloved?
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Wed Oct 06, 2010 10:20 am

I had noticed your signature. I got it and have actually been asking myself that question. And right now the answer is no. No.
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby rgj123 on Mon Oct 11, 2010 5:31 am

Starcraft I'm new to this forum, but have been dealing with a game addicted husband for almost 3 years, we've been married 8. We have 3 children, his son who is 14, my daughter who is 13 and the son we had together who is 7. I raised my daughter until the age of 5 with no support (financial or physical) from her father or from my family. I'm not going to lie, it was hard and I often wished I had a partner to make day to day life easier. I was so wrong. I've decided I'd be much better off raising the kids by myself because the pain of being ignored and verbally abused when I ask or demand more from this addicted zombie is so debilitating I find it hard to function some days.
So, to sum it up..don't be afraid to go it alone if he won't stop. You can do it!
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Re: Starcraft-obsessed husband and a new baby

Postby starcraftwife on Mon Oct 11, 2010 9:29 am

It's not that I'm afraid to "go it alone". Honestly, the only thing he contributes to this household is his paycheck. Actually if he wasn't around it would be easier, for one thing when I clean something it would stay clean. I would have half as much dishes and laundry to do (the king has to use a clean towel every time he showers, sometimes twice a day). And the mental relief of NOT having to deal with his crap would be unbelievable.

I guess I'm just not ready to take that drastic step, keep thinking we can work through this, etc. But I believe that less and less every day. As important as it is to me that my baby be raised by two parents, I don't feel it is good for an infant or child to be a constant audience to the hateful fights of a failing marriage.
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