Oregon WoW Widow

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Oregon WoW Widow

Postby nroberts17 on Tue Oct 19, 2010 2:26 am

Hello everyone,

I've been searching for quite awhile for a resource like this. I am not even sure where to begin. I am only 2 years into my marriage, and it has been the 2 worst years of my life. For as long as I can remember I have looked forward to being married. My parents had a wonderful marriage and I couldn't wait for one of my own. My husband was going to be my best friend, someone who I could stand beside as we strived together to make a happy home and a difference in the world.

I instead married a gamer, a person who could care less about my very existence or reality. He is a priest on the game World of Warcraft, his virtual mistress. It is the first thing he does in the morning, his calling as soon as he gets home from work, and his entire weekend event. I often go to bed alone, forced to listen to him in the other room as he laughs and carries on over those headphones with men that he has never met. The only time I get to talk to my husband is the 15 minute car ride home from work. He never has anything to say unless it is about WoW.

I tried playing with him, I figured hey maybe it could be something we could do together. I like video games, however I also have the ability to play for a little while and put it away. I was apparently boring to play with, cause he would get annoyed when I logged on to the game and requested his help.

I have spent my 2 years of marriage pleading, begging, crying, wanting desperately for him to just notice me. I don't want him to give the game up, just cut back a little and spend some time with me. One of two things either happens. Either he gets mad and logs off, and gives it 5 seconds before he starts complaining about how bored he is. Or he gets angry, and starts yelling at me about how I am trying to take away the one thing that relaxes him and makes him happy. Thats when I start to hear how I am making him do everything and that I need to clean more, cook more, help more with the finances, or that I am working too many hours. We both work full time jobs, I on average work 55 hours a week. My husband feels that he shouldn't have to do anything but play WoW outside of work. I usually feel guilty by the end of this and start apologizing for not being good enough. He is angry and bitter all of the time, the only time he is happy is when he plays Wow.

I am so hurt and shattered. Despite everything I want nothing more then to make this marriage work! I would give anything. My husband won't touch me, hug me, or kiss me. Once and awhile when I ask he will give me a quick peck on the lips. Yet just this small gesture still makes my head spin. But he doesn't care. I lay in bed next to him at night crying, but he doesn't care. He just falls asleep to the sound of my sobs. I ask him if he has any dreams, any goals. All he has is WoW dreams and goals. He says life is meaningless without baseball (he played through college). I feel so worthless to him. I am glad I found this place. Its nice to know that I am not the only person with this struggle. I don't know what to do anymore. Thank you for reading this.
My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.

"I love you beautiful, I can't wait to actually spend some...make that alot of good ole quality time with the most beautiful and bestest girlfriend EVER!!!" - My Husband, Pre Warcraft
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Sirena on Tue Oct 19, 2010 11:26 am

:hug
I wish I could tell you that things will get better, but I have been waiting 4 1/2 years for my husband to quit playing WOW or to at least cut back some. He doesn't play as much as he did that first year, but it's still way too much. WOW is extremely addictive (and there is a new expansion coming out in December :grumble ). Your husband needs a wake up call. You deserve so much better. You need to leave for awhile. If you are working 55 hours a week maybe you can afford a small apartment for a little while. He needs to see what he is taking for granted. And if he doesn't realize it and chooses the game over you, then you are better off. There is so much more to life than crying yourself to sleep, being ignored, and being yelled at because he doesn't want to get off the computer. You wouldn't believe how much a little peace and quiet (and time away from the resentment) can help you. Keep us posted.

:welcome
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Jonathan on Tue Oct 19, 2010 12:28 pm

Dear Oregon WOW Widow

As I am sure you have read, many of us here have dealt with situations very similar to yours and are at various points in overcoming either a gaming addiction of our own or dealing with a loved one who has lost their way. From reading your post it sounds as though you are at your wits end and your husband it truly addicted. You have to understand that he is an addict as surely as if he were putting a bottle to his mouth or a needle in his arm, he is hooked. In his in-game life things are clean and predictable, challenging and rewarding, work is easy and gives you gold, and he is surrounded with friends who praise his hours of toil for a useless achievement which serves no purpose than to show other in-game players his dedication. (I am just as guilty; I fished up almost 10,000 fish to catch Mr. Pinchy 3 times for the damn pet and the sea turtle.. WOW gamers know what I am talking about)

Recently, I took time to think about how my own behavior changed when I played WOW every possible spare second. I got in trouble at work for being to belligerent, I was angry and aggressive toward my kids and friends, I became a hermit and gained weight. I ate my meals with my ex-wife gamer while sitting at the computer. My every thought went into Warcraft including my dreams. Someone posted something on this website not to long ago about how gamer’s frontal lobe brain chemistry actually changes if they play the game more than 2 hours per day. I looked up the research and I see who I was and who you are describing in your husband.

I have to warn you that things will only become more difficult as the next expansion of Warcraft is set to be released December 7, 2010. New achievement, new content, new dungeons and gear will be a priority. Things will only be worse for you and your relationship than they are now.

You need to speak with anyone in the family who can help intervene or a marriage counselor quickly. He will not listen to you no matter how you approach things so someone on the outside will help a great deal. If it is just you, he will just attack you for not understanding that this is his thing. Real Life(RL) gets in the way of gaming for most of we gamers when it takes us away from the keyboard (AFK) for any length of time. Even bathroom breaks(BRB BIO) is something that we dash to take care of.

Be understanding of your husband but consider that if he doesn’t want help, he will not receive it. Realize that you have options that you will choose from. 1. you will have to wait years for him to get this gaming out of his system and most likely he will jump to another game 2. You get help if he is willing to try and move past or at least limit his gaming. 3. leave him and start over. Whatever you decide, staying where you are is not going to work unless you want to continue living the way you are.

Good Luck,
Jonathan
CLIMBING OUT OF THE HELL THAT BECAME MY LIFE...
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby nroberts17 on Tue Oct 19, 2010 9:07 pm

Thanks everyone for the responses, I greatly appreciate it! I've been dreading the release of the new expansion, it is all he has talked about for awhile now. I had a mini celebration when I found out that they had push back the release date. Guess I can't avoid the inevitable. I finally got him to agree to go to marriage counseling with me so I left a message at the office and am waiting for a return call :clap I feel like the counseling is our last hope, that if this doesn't work then there is nothing left but to give up. I forgot to mention in my first post that he was diagnosed clinically depressed, but he refuses to take his medicine. I know he feels like a hero in the game, but he'd be the biggest hero in the world to me if he would just come back to me :sad

It's raid night, fun fun. I think I am going to go paint. He is a little frustrated right now, the cats ate his 4th pair of headphones and they aren't working. He must feel like we are all conspiring against him lol. Thanks again for the welcome.
My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.

"I love you beautiful, I can't wait to actually spend some...make that alot of good ole quality time with the most beautiful and bestest girlfriend EVER!!!" - My Husband, Pre Warcraft
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby nroberts17 on Mon Nov 22, 2010 5:54 pm

Update: Well counseling is no longer an option, apparently we don't have the money. His guild finally defeated Lich King. He had promised me that when they did he would completely put up the game until Cataclysm's release. That was a few weeks ago and his play time has instead increased since he killed the king! He is always over there whispering and giggling with someone. Never with me.

I don't know what to do. I have moved from feeling sadness to feeling a load of anger and resentment. This isn't the man I married! I wanted someone to be my best friend, who would be the leader of our household. I want to start a family having a children so badly, but I wouldn't dare bring them into this world with a father that would ignore them. I don't have a husband I have a roommate. I hate that I have been replaced by elves and dwarves. I keep having fantasies about smashing the computer, although I am certain he would walk out on me if I did.

I feel trapped in a world that I can't stand, and I'm struggling dealing with it
:sad
My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.

"I love you beautiful, I can't wait to actually spend some...make that alot of good ole quality time with the most beautiful and bestest girlfriend EVER!!!" - My Husband, Pre Warcraft
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Psykiblue on Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:46 pm

Your husband needs a kick in the pants- which I'm sure you're aware of already. May I ask what it is that he's working at? What is your job?

His idea that he gets to relax after work while you work the 2nd shift ie: in the home is ridiculous, outdated, and sexist. Do you do his laundry? Cook for him? Clean his messes?

If you do, stop doing it. It will end in nothing but resentment, he's a big boy he'll either figure it out or he won't. Start doing activities you enjoy- invite him with you if he says no, go anyway, be independent and do things you love without having to nag him to death. You have a life too that shouldn't be put on hold because your husband sees pixels on the screen more so than he sees his actual reality.

You are worth more than he's showing you. Don't let his emotional and verbal abuse beat you down, its difficult I know but I would look into counseling for yourself- a third party may help you a lot with everything you're struggling with. Does your work have any health programs that could possibly offset the cost of counseling?

Please vent here as much as you want- *hugs*


P.S Have you thought about d/c the internet?
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Jonathan on Mon Nov 22, 2010 6:54 pm

First I have to say.. if it makes you feel better.. Your hubbies guild SUCKS at WOW.. :lol I raided hardcore for almost 2 years and haven't raided since the summer of 2009 but even I killed Lich King with some friends in an alt/pug run with some old raiding buddies of mine in August. I had just logged in to say hi and catch up and see how they were doing and cleared the place in a few hours.( last time I raided I must say)
Anyways, sounds like you are at your wits end. If he is not willing to change then you are going to have to. Either change your personality to accomidate him and his gaming and find ways to entertain yourself when he is playing or change your life into what you want to have.

You must remember that you are choosing to continue living this way.

NO ONE can make you feel a certain way. You can control your own life and are always in control of how you feel about it. He isn't inside you controlling your thoughts.

I read a book "Why your life sucks and what you can do about it" by Cohen, among other motivational and attitude books and having something to read to give me direction really helped. I also had a friend give me "The Secret" video which was helpful too in a weird way.
Good luck,
Jonathan
CLIMBING OUT OF THE HELL THAT BECAME MY LIFE...
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby nroberts17 on Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:12 am

My husband works at a rubber manufacturing plant. I recently lost my job two weeks ago. My dream job, the one I saw myself doing for the rest of my life. Long story short I was working as the assistant director of a nonprofit organization that put a new president in power. That president removed every single staff member and replaced us with her friends. I loved this job and poured my heart into it so it's been a really rough time right now. I do take care of all the housework, cooking, etc but that stuff has never bothered me. I find cooking and cleaning relaxing.

Losing my job and the release of Cataclysm has nearly put me to my limit. I haven't been to bed before 3:00 am in 2 weeks. I wake up at 4:30 am to make my husband breakfast before he goes to work (he has to be to work by 5:30). I've dealt with depression and other self destructive things in the past and have worked so incredibly hard to overcome these things. I feel like I've been crumbling this month.

You mentioned disconnecting the internet. One time I unplugged the router box and hid it. I told my husband that I he was addicted, and if having no internet is what would help him then that is what we would do. I've been so worried about him. I really wanted to help him. He seriously has developed some awkward social skills since this, is angry all the time, doesn't sleep, has no life goals, and has an inability to talk about anything outside of WoW. I thought that he would know that this was from my heart. Well he spent the entire day ripping the house apart until he found the router. It was the most angry I have ever seen him. He wouldn't talk to me at all for a week.

Thank you for saying that his guild sucks, it does make me feel better ^^ They think that they are pretty amazing. One of the people that he spends so much time talking to is a girl in his guild. She is the other healer. She's supposedly married and not a problem, but I don't know what I believe anymore. I cried and pleaded with him again last night, I wish he would hear my words and care. His immediate response was to spend all day long on that stupid game. He has pulled all nighters all week since the Cata release.

This just hurts so unbearably much. I know that I need counseling. I've been relapsing on several things which I'm not proud of. He knows how hard this time has been for me and how I feel but he doesn't care. But being that I just lost my job money is tight. We literally do not have enough money to put food on the table. I made him go to bed at 12:30 tonight. He was stomping his feet and slamming things like a child. I'm sick of it...

Thank you for the reading materials, I will definately look into it. I think that you are right, I need to take control of how I feel. Thanks for reading another long post guys. It's nice to vent. I have no one here that I can talk to about this, so this is my only outlet. Hope everyones holidays are wonderful!
My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.

"I love you beautiful, I can't wait to actually spend some...make that alot of good ole quality time with the most beautiful and bestest girlfriend EVER!!!" - My Husband, Pre Warcraft
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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Psykiblue on Fri Dec 10, 2010 1:04 pm

I'm so sorry that he's not hearing you. At this time if you have no job perhaps calling the internet company and getting it cut off would be a solution. I am not sure of where you are but some companies have it set up that you can password protect it so only you can make changes to things. That does not mean he cannot call and get his own set up but it would at least give him time to decompress from the game because no internet company will give you instant access.

or else call and see what your options are in regards to getting dial up (wow hardcore users HATE this) cause the game won't load/play the same. Good luck to you and yours and hopefully you'll find a dream job that will blow the previous ones out of the water *hugs*
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

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Re: Oregon WoW Widow

Postby Red_Marble on Fri Dec 10, 2010 7:43 pm

Oregon WoW Widow,

I feel like a hypocrite welcoming you since I'm new here, but welcome and I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through.

It sounds similar to my experience, including the cats beating up on his WoW stuff! (I laugh when they do it personally.) I'm sorry nothing seems to get through to him, but that's a sign of a true addict. It must have gotten even more fun since the Lich King was downed and Cataclysm came out. That's been the real thorn in my side since my marriage started to feel like it's rotting.

I know it's hard, because you truly love him. But when there's a massive problem and there is an addiction, be it drugs or a computer game, you can't let a sinking ship drag you down. You and I are in the same boat, but I think you'll get through it sooner then you think. You seem like a very strong woman. If you want, we could PM about this since our experiences are so similar. :)
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