New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

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New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby jeanie3117 on Mon Dec 13, 2010 5:42 pm

First, I want to give some background info. My husband and I have been married just over 9 years. We have 3 children together - 6 1/2, 5, 2 1/2. Our marriage was great for several years. Always had people tell us that they wish their marriage could be like ours. Sure we had our ups and downs but we were always there for one another. I knew going into marrying him that he was a gamer. It didn't bother me. In fact, I enjoy video games. I didn't mind watching or playing with him.

A couple years ago, he started playing WoW. I would say this is where our downfall started. He started playing more and more. I was ignored more and more. So one day I decided I would start playing with him. I thought, "hey, I might like it." And sure enough I did like it. I had a ton of fun playing with my husband. But he eventually went off to bigger and better things in the game. I didn't play as much as he did. I had a house and children to take care of. Eventually I quit playing as his WoW time increased. I just didn't find it interesting anymore nor did I have the time to play. I started getting resentful. Keeping things to myself because on the occasion I had brought up how much I disliked the time he spent on WoW, he would cop an attitude. Or he would get off and then go "well, so what you wanna do?" And if we did something together, he would lose interest in a few minutes and would be done. Our kids would ask him to go outside and play. His response: "let me finish this and i'll be out there." Several hours later when he was finally done it would be dark out. I finally got so tired of it all. I started talking to a long time friend - and yes it was a guy. But he was no more than a friend. And my husband knew about him as well. He was someone I could talk to or rather chat on FB with. We never actually talked on the phone or saw each other. Eventually I had a breaking point. I told him how much WoW was hurting me and his kids. That (and the thought of some guy friend hitting on me) made him quit. We had a lot of issues to work through. I was so angry and resentful and just plain didn't like him anymore. I questioned whether or not I loved him anymore. It took several months but we worked through it.

Now back to just several months ago, he picked WoW back up. He felt confident in our relationship again. And honestly I dont mind him playing - as long as its in moderation and the family doesn't get ignored. I fear though hes an addict. Well, I know he's an addict. And it was ok at first. He wasn't spending all hours of the day/night playing it anymore. Well, that time is now increasing. When he comes home from work hes on WoW. Weekends are spent on WoW. All he ever talks about is WoW.

I get so tired of needing him for something and hearing "give me 10 minutes." (its never just 10 minutes) I'm tired of fixing dinner only to bring him a plate so he can raid! I do my best to keep a good attitude. To do something while he's playing WoW. Not let it get to me. Heck, even the kids think its normal now. I'm tired of going to bed by myself. And he has the audacity to complain about not having enough sex!! I'm so fed up w/ it. I'm at the point now though, do I really like this person? When he talks to me about WoW, all I can think is "you're pathetic." But I smile and just accept it. I've brought it up way to many times about how it hurts so I know he knows it hurts. I dont think he knows just how much time he spends on it. I would imagine its 40+ hours a week.

I dont know what to do at this point. I can honestly say I dont like the person he's become. If he did quit, would I even enjoy hanging out with him again. Life is passing him by and all he cares about is pwning the next boss or pvping. I'm so disgusted with him now. I'm tired of giving and giving and never receiving anything in return.

Well, I guess this is all to vent. I just dont know what to do anymore. He's addicted to it. And I just dont like him anymore. I dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life. And if I left him, he would make sure to make my life a living hell and get custody of the kids. Trust me, he would too! He would try to ruin me. He owns a business and I'm a stay at home mom. I dont have any way of supporting a family and the thought of trying to do it on my own scares the hell outta me. So I feel stuck. I dont want my family ripped apart over this.
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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby Tawnee on Tue Dec 14, 2010 3:15 am

Welcome Jeanie,

first things first :hug

Ok, couple of things.

1. Have you gone on strike yet? You know, fix him dinner, tell him its ready but in 10 minutes if he is not sitting at the table then it's in the bin. Don't do his washing, don't clean the computer desk and no more nookie. Each day he does NOT play wow is the night you put out.

2. One day when he is not home log into wow and type /played on each of his characters. This will give you the total time played for each character. I can also tell you that showing this in court HAS MOST DEFINATELY worked in gaining custody. Also maybe set up a hidden video facing the comp desk. Dad's here have gained full custody of their kids because their wives play wow too much.

And vent here. All of us have been there done that with mixed results. I am now happily single, Psyki and her husband have there marriage back, gamers have quit and some wives are still in the status quo. But it is nice to know you are not alone.
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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby Red_Marble on Tue Dec 14, 2010 9:49 am

Wow, I certainly understand what you're feeling.

I haven't been married as long as you, or even have a child out of the womb yet (YET!!!!) but I sure can understand how it feels.

I've tried gaming with him too - it doesn't work because they're hard core into it and, I don't know if your husband did this, my husband would log into my account to check and make sure I was playing a lot. He actually got mad at me because I played less then 10 hours in a full week!!!

Then I tried just being interested in what he's watching. I tried watching the videos with him, caring about his new mounts, things like that thinking it would help. Then when I found out I was pregnant, I asked him to join me at the birthing classes and he was like "That's boring. I don't want to do that; I want to enjoy my life!" Sorry to be annoying and keep you from enjoying your life.

It's actually kind of funny, I could be nearly dead on the floor and he wouldn't notice me for days, but now that I found this support system, he's hovering... you know, until he retreats back into the computer room for another 15 hour power hour.

I personally think it's amazing how Blizzard has managed to make these addictive games that tear so many families apart. I, too, don't like my husband. He ignores me about our first baby moving, but he's really ready to wake me up in the middle of the night to tell me about his new career in the game. He even blew off a job that pays well for the game because he doesn't want to be forced out of enjoying his life and doing what he wants. I'm glad he has something that makes him so happy, but how much comfort will it be when me and the baby are long gone and he's left with only his darling little computer?

I'm here for you and glad you found somewhere to go and talk about what's going on at home. Hopefully you'll figure out what to do soon. Whatever you decide, you know it'll be the right choice and it'll be the best for your family.
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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby Jonathan on Tue Dec 14, 2010 12:41 pm

To Jeanie and RED... pasted to both threads
We have all been there one side or another..
I personally was addicted to the game as well as my ex-wife and understand all to well the draw it has to keep you in the game. I couldn't help myself. Going home for lunch just to log in and get dailies done or prepare for that evenings raid and play as much as I possibly could till bed time. I finally decided to give the game up 22 months ago to get a third job selling insurance because my wife, a college grad,didn't want work or clean or do much of anything (8 kids between us), or help with RL achievements. When we broke up, she was however getting really good at running 3 wow accounts at the same time to level 3 characters at once.. :) I guess my pressure for her to get off her ass was to much and thats when she found a teenager in game that understood her addiction and didn't care how she lived.
She is now living with that, recently 21 yr old kid and his wow buddy, with her 4 kids and her life is a comedic tragedy. She is the only one working steadily to support him and his gaming buddy and took a buyout on her spousal support from me to get her rental house so child support on our one child is all she gets and that really doesn't cover much.
What you can learn from my story: Gamers, unless they want to or are forced to will not change. I changed because I had to but my ex-wife didn't... we were broke and living in a filthy $340,000 house, had a new van payment, and a $25,000 pool and I was embarassed to have someone enter the house. That is no way to live and I see that now.

I imagine that your hubby will skip social events, holidays, let trash, cat shit, and dishes pile up, skip kids activities and take days off work to play. Right? The life inside the game takes a priority over everything else but you already know that.
Your choice like mine layed ahead: My life is amazing now and I can't believe how different a path things have taken since our split 18 months ago. Yours can be too!!!! You too may have to start over again and although the first several months are extremely difficult, you will be so much happier in the end. Do everything that you can to help you husband but unless he wants to change he wont. Look at all the posts on this site...Not many have a happy ending. Most end with the gamer riding off to court on their EPIC mounts.
You deserve to be happy., :D
Jonathan
CLIMBING OUT OF THE HELL THAT BECAME MY LIFE...
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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby Psykiblue on Tue Dec 14, 2010 7:58 pm

Hi and welcome to the forums, i'm sorry to see you under such circumstances but glad you found us to give you at least some support. With this expansion that's come out it seems to have driven most people to insanity and I wish I were exaggerating but I'm not. A thought though- if you ever get fed up enough. Hitting alt f4 will quit him out of WoW immediately, I'm not sure if it would be something you would do but I know in the past I was tempted. No matter what fight it caused.

Have you thought about individual counseling? Would that help this time around? What kind of business does your husband own?

If you're thinking about leaving there may be places in your area that can help you out and help to make sure you get to keep your kids, but if that's too scary right now perhaps you could open your own personal account and start saving money if you haven't already. So if you do and are ready to leave at some point you won't have to do so empty handed.

Vent all you want, and if you need help with anything, an ear please feel free to PM me.
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby jeanie3117 on Mon Dec 27, 2010 1:19 pm

Thank you guys for all the comments and thought! Sorry its taken awhile to respond. It has been a hectic several weeks. I recently had surgery and have been going back and forth to the doc several times. As well as dealing with sick kids.

I would love to check my husbands playtime but I'm not able to since he uses his phone as a mobile authenticator. But I've averaged it out to be about 30+ hours per week.

I've gone on "strike" but it does no good. He doesn't even notice really. In fact, I feel like he doesn't really notice me. The other day he was wanting to go watch a movie. Now realize that we only go out maybe once a month or every other month. And even then, half the time he's wanting to get back so he can go in a raid. At any rate, he asked several guys if they wanted to go with him. No one could. In the meantime, I'm sitting there saying "hey, I want to go." Eventually he did end up going with me. Only because the other guy friend was wanting to bring his wife.

I'm so jealous of that other couple. I see how much in love the husband is with his wife. How he cant get enough of her. (They are not newly weds, btw!) =)

So i've taken up to running. I ran over 12 miles last week. I plan on getting up to 20 this week. Its my only outlet.

He owns a security company. Burglar, fire alarms, cameras, monitoring. It provides a decent income but we do struggle quite a bit. Our income fluctuates. If he put half as much energy into the company as he does WoW, the company would grow tremendously. He gets more excited over the gold he's making at the auction house then if he won a bid on an actual job that'll pay the bills!!

I do plan on starting my own account and start saving. I just gotta have money to save first. He is a good dad when he's not playing WoW. I dont want my kids lives to be ruined by divorce. And I dont want to be miserable for the rest of my life being in a marriage where I'm ignored.

Thank you all again! I hate that we are all going through or have gone through something like this. Its nice to know I'm not the only one.
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Re: New here! :) - WoW ruining a family

Postby happiness on Tue Dec 28, 2010 8:01 pm

One thing strikes me. You write that you are sure he will try by all means to make your life miserable if you leave him. That doesn't sound like a deep love between the two of you. Has he allways been like this pre-WoW? Maybe he is not worth being together with after all? Maybe he is only sort of nice to be around if it is completely on his terms? It sounds as if he is not really a nice person, if he would try to make you miserable if you do not fullfill his needs. Thats selfish and very immature. It has nothing to do with love in my opinion. It sounds as if you might actually be better off without him in his current state and maybe even in his pre-WoW state. Does he fullfill any of your needs? I know its far from that easy - but I can't see the loving and caring warm relationship you try to describe. Maybe he is not the man you thought he was? Maybe you have grown apart because of his interest in the game. That happens for normal couples aswell. Either way - you need to think of yourself and the children in this. Forget about his threats. Start by focusing on how you can become happy again - and then your children will stand a chance of increased happiness aswell. Maybe you should by some means document his addiction just in case he really turns out to be such a monster as you described. Protect yourself. Allow yourself to think and act selfish in this.

I wish you the best in your hard struggles.

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