Re-widowed

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Re-widowed

Postby dragginfly on Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:26 am

Hi all
I'm new. Hubby had stopped Xbox, after it went into pawn shop a while back...he was going to give it to his cousin. But he stopped playing. Had no intention on going back. It felt pretty safe so I got our girls an Xbox with Kinect....
First he was pushy and upset that he wouldn't be able to play with the girls on their Kinect games.
I told him he could. Then he wanted to go to a friend's house and just play around with the friend on Xbox. Then he wanted to reopen his account and delete all of his old friends...but not go online.
"Oh my wife would divorce me if I bought that game..." Guess what game he's playing not a month later. Online, with his friends!!! "Oh but I meant I wouldn't play online like in this way..."
I told him that he said things for my comfort and then took that comfort away by going against it.
I don't think I have to describe every detail here, I'm sure you guys get it. It's just turning into something I never ever wanted it to be ... especially so soon.
I told him to set some limits on himself, to quit coming to me for "permission". Well he set his limits and then busted every single one of them. "Oh, I didn't know" he says..."I thought I could just change them." OMG
He admits he messed up but insists that if he doesn't have a chance to prove it to me, then I'll never trust him.
I don't really want or need to trust him on this. I asked for more time. He argues, that I'll never let him, that this is just the beginning of keeping him from doing things, etc. He even argued that I was so messed up in the head that I'd never be fair enough to let him play. He has been mean and pushy and inconsiderate.
None of this matters compared to how I feel. I asked him why we would go through something on purpose where one person loses. He thinks that in life one or the other will have to lose every once in a while. He's made his decision.
I regret getting the Xbox for my kids and wish I had kept their Wii. Considering trashing, literally, his game, I don't even know which it is or I would name it for you guys. I'm scared to though, he can be so verbally mean. This statement in itself makes me sick to my stomach.
Help?
dragginfly
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Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:09 am


Re: Re-widowed

Postby belit001 on Wed Feb 02, 2011 8:42 am

Hello, and Welcome!

Addiction is scarey. If you are that scared of him.... leave. Verbal abuse too often leads to physical abuse.
I know that is hard to hear but you have to consider your kids too.
belit001
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Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2011 7:27 pm


Re: Re-widowed

Postby dragginfly on Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:28 am

I didn't mean to insinuate that he would physically harm us, although I appreciate the warning. We see a counselor and my husband has never responded physically out of anger. AND up until the xbox came back around, we haven't been fighting. It's a shame we fought for the first 6 years we were together, finally started getting it right...and he runs right back to it.
Within reason I can handle. Talking like it's within reason, within safe boundaries, within both of our powers to trust and discuss, well I'm cool with that. When it's not like that, I can't take it. I don't think he can handle it....I think he's relapsing and it will quickly evolve back into the old habits, regardless of his spoken intentions. So far everything he's intended to do, he has not done. Him fighting dirty was just the icing on the cake.
We talked some more, same stuff, except this time I told him I don't want to deal with it and he told me to kick him out. I said over a game??!! Throw a fit much?
So I left the room, destroyed the game. Told him, he was mad, called me immature and didn't want to talk to me. He can buy another one if he chooses...but I bet he thinks about it before he does.
BTW I'm usually not this forward about us. I usually don't act like this. Typically I'm crying and holding it all inside. Burning with resentment and jealousy over a game. But I can't imagine living with a game addict again...I figure I'm entitled to make a rear of myself at least a few times. I partly allowed this to happen by bringing it back into the house...I just believed when he said he had no interest in it. Therefore, I partly took it back out.
Thanks for the ears
dragginfly
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Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:09 am


Re: Re-widowed

Postby belit001 on Wed Feb 02, 2011 10:58 am

Have you discussed his gaming habits in counciling? He's probably running back to the game because something has triggered the need to "escape". When I ask my husband "why" I get the either "I'm bored" or the now infamous "I don't know". Irritating to say the least.
I agree with the "within reason", but with an addict, there is no "within reason". (My husband is a recovering drug addict. He replaces one addiction with another. I know now a little something about the lies, the hiding, and the manipulation. He had been clean 1 year before we got together. He forgot to mention all the crap that goes with it, even when they are clean and sober. )
To get my husband to "cut back" I had to threaten to leave. There has to be a rock bottom for them, and you. Once that happens hopefully there is change for the good.
Try not to hold it all in... not healthy for you! If you want PM me and I will give you my email address. I check it often so you can vent to me all you want! It helps talking (writing lol).
Take care!
belit001
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Posts: 7
Joined: Sat Jan 15, 2011 7:27 pm


Re: Re-widowed

Postby dragginfly on Wed Feb 02, 2011 9:33 pm

Well he ended up playing some fun games with the girls and their friends earlier...it was good to hear them all laughing and giggling. He told them I broke the game when they asked about it. I have no problem explaining myself to my girls.
He's still mad and says he thinks I was wrong for breaking the game. He then attempted to bargain with me...asked if I was having issues with that particular game. I said yes. BUT I compared it to having his favorite alcohol (he used to be an alcoholic too) vs having some fruity alcohol he would typically not drink. He asked if I would be OK with him playing a different game. I clarified...a different type, but nothing like a shooter/war game. He started to get angry and frustrated again.
He is accusing me of not wanting to work together. I told him I do want to work together just not on this and not now. We are just now learning to get along, and he wants us to....he's interrupts and tells me he doesn't want to hear that sh*t.
He's made because I "get to make all of the decisions". That makes me feel bad. How do I respond when I'm the one making most of the mature and safe decisions?
dragginfly
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Posts: 3
Joined: Wed Feb 02, 2011 6:09 am



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