Second Life One, Wife Zero

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Second Life One, Wife Zero

Postby swimsalone on Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:53 am

If anyone had ever told me that one day, after twenty years of marriage and four children, my husband would become additcted to an online game/community, I would have laughed in their face. Not my husband; Mr. Boyscout-always-does-the-right-thing, Mr. Perfect. Wow, was I ever wrong. I could happily strangle whoever it was at work that told my husband about Second Life as it has ruined our family. My husband spends all his spare time logged into that game. When I get angry that he isn't spending any time with the kids, he grudgingly brings his laptop downstairs and sits in a chair in the living room ignoring us all as he smiles and chuckles to himself at whatever he is seeing on his screen. He types away--chatting to all his online friends and can't spare a word for me or the kids. It makes me sick the way they try to get his attention and he just sits there ignoring them, or worse, finds any little excuse he can to hole up in our bedroom where he is free from the distractions of the kids. Ughhh! Any comments I might make that he is spending too much time online is met with addict-like behavior. He fiercely defends his 'right' to be online and meets any concern I have with hostility. Explaining how I feel or that I'm hurt by this new obsession only makes him more defensive of his activities.

I have lost my husband. My children have lost their father. Nothing I say makes any difference. I have been a second life widow since December 2011.
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Joined: Mon Mar 19, 2012 12:31 am

Re: Second Life One, Wife Zero

Postby TiredEmo20 on Thu Apr 11, 2013 3:09 pm

I feel for you. I have been with my husband for 20 yrs. He's one of the "good guys". We have a 17 yr old daughter whom he also neglects. He's been gaming non-stop for about 6 yrs now and before that we had a break. He literally broke the last computer a few yrs before that, with a sledge hammer! Didn't speak to us for 3 days. Then things got normal again, until he had to get a computer for school. Now he's quit school with only two classes to go to get his B.A. And he's quit us, again. I kept judging and blaming myself as I'm always reading the next best self-help book and constantly changing my perspective and being responsible for my own actions and how I affect him. I felt like it was my fault for always finding fault in him as these relationship books get you thinking something is wrong when nothing is "wrong". So, now he's addicted and I know the addiction is not my fault. It just hurts.
I don't have any advice that the rest of the posts don't address. I just saw you were/are with your husband for the same length of time. You can't just walk away, like some advise. I understand that. There was another computer that had to go a year or two before the one that got smashed. My husband even invited our daughter to smash a gameboy and some games. But my daughter found some games in his underwear drawer and confronted him. He had another gameboy hidden to take to school and would say he was going to work on some school work at the library, but we know what he's doing.
It's been a several years since I emailed him a link with regards to video game addiction. So, I did it again today. I also sent him an email letting him know how I truly feel about the "real" him. I told him to listen to the words of a couple songs. Michael Buble's "Lost" and "I'm your man". I told him that "Lost" is what runs through my head when I'm sad and it also runs through my head when things are going well. The song can affect me either way. And the way I'd like to be thought of and treated well, "I'm your man" says it perfectly. So, he's apologized but hasn't admitted he's got a problem, not really. I don't know. I'm tired of the emotional whiplash and the grief he's put our daughter through. She doesn't deserve this. I try so hard to know when to sit back and be patient and love myself and focus on the things I want to create in my life and focus on my daughter and when to take action. It doesn't seem to matter what I do or what approach I take. None has worked. We almost separated a week ago, April 1st, lol:( Not funny. He saw that he couldn't live without me. (He said that day that if I find someone wonderful that would give me what I want, to go for it. He also said he wanted to find someone who had a sex drive to match his own! Good luck with that, I thought.) Then we had great make-up sex, he said it was the best ever. But he continued to run back to his games after. Like I was checked off his "to-do" list. When he was contemplating leaving me, I was angry and told him how dare he quit after I've been the only one holding this family together for 20 yrs! UGH! I
I just found this site, I guess looking for answers like, how do I deal with this? Is there hope? How do I get him to see the "light"? Neither one of us can afford to separate and we've agreed that's not what we want. We talked about creating intimacy and agreed on ideas, simple ones, that would build our relationship again. I can't just give sex, I need more and he knows it. I don't know what's going to happen today. I just gotta go to work and keep doing EFT tapping as feelings arise to quell the tears so I can stay steady in my emotions to function.
How are you today? I see this was posted some time ago. I wish you and your family well. I don't feel the grass would be "greener" on the other side. Seems I've got a lot more to learn in this struggle or I may end up with a whole new set of problems with someone else, which I have no desire or energy for at 43.
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Joined: Thu Apr 11, 2013 1:14 am

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