I scared myself yesterday

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I scared myself yesterday

Postby ginabean on Tue Mar 27, 2012 8:54 pm

It all came out yesterday... my husband was expressing his displeasure that I was planning on spending the night over with my girlfried on Friday, helping her to sew a dress. He would be left "alone". I told him that he wouldn't even notice my absence because he'd been living in a "bubble" for the last 18 months. He then had the gall to tell me that I should be satisfied to just be in the same environment as him, we shouldn't NEED to talk and I should have no requirement for outside activities that he couldn't share. He thought it would be a bonding thing for me to start gaming with him. From provious posts I know how well that works. When I reminded him how unhappy it made me to have discovered him "flirting" online, he told me "it's not real". I reminded him that's how WE got together, and how those girls are as real as you or I.

I then saw red. I scared myself by the amount of rage I had in me and gave him what for. I didn't yell or scream - I roared. When I found myself frothing at the mouth, it gave me a bit of pause, not a great look, but then I thought "what the hell" and gave him 10 years worth of emotional abuse, controlling behavious, neglect and hurt straight back at him. He was white as a sheet.

Problem now is that I am so damn fragile, tearful and I told him that it's not the damn games that's the problem, it's his addicted behaviour.

I spent the rest of the day fairly quiet and civil to him, he was being nice back. We went out and did a few things together, even took a walk. When we got home he mowed and edged. Really tried hard. Maybe too hard. I told him I didn't mind if he gamed for a couple of hours.

Did I do the wrong thing? I'm trying the positive reinforcement, reward when you do the right thing sort of trick here. have no idea whether I have just screwed it up for myself again or what. Widows, please let me know what you think...
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Re: I scared myself yesterday

Postby AMNeSia on Tue May 21, 2013 2:22 am

Well...sorry to hear you had to roar at him, but I understand how irritating it gets. Maybe he got more scared of you than you did of yourself and was being nice to calm you down, or genuinely understood and would actually be a better person.

Of course, positive reinforcement is not wrong...but I feel negative reinforcement works. At least for me it does. If you can make him feel guilty about what he's doing, he might actually change. Be aware, though, I love negative reinforcement, not everyone does. It can backfire with feelings of resentment, hate and anger in him. I don't know, you can try it. Just don't go overboard. But I can tell you, guilt does work. It's not about making him feel bad about things, but making him realize that his own standards are high and that he's living below his own standards...maybe not for you, but for himself, he'll try to change.

Hope things get better for you soon.
"Everything is relative and situational...all depends on your choices" - EiRaSAdoyC.
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