Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby newlywedwidow on Tue Jan 20, 2009 1:52 am

I think too that maybe she just wants you to cook with her to spend time with her. Any activity, even coking and laundry, done with your spouse not only shows them that you appreciate what they are doing, but also shows that you care about them and are willing to help out so you can spend time together. Read Gary Chapman's the five love languages. I know with school and work you are very busy, but the book is relatively thin and it will hep you understand why she wants your help. Another good book is His Needs, her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr. This is also relatively thin and a very good read. It will help you figure out exactly what it is your wife is really asking you to do. If I had to guess, I would say she wants you to either pend time with her, or show your appreciation by helping out some. No, I don't think you are acting like a child, but ask yourself this. She works at home all day (presumably) chasing kids, doing laundry, cleaning house, doing dishes, folding clothes, dusting, paying bills, running errands, etc etc. If she wanted to take a few hours out a night to play video games...would you be resentful?
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby bearhugs81 on Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:46 pm

OK, now this is just from my perspective.... I am a SAHM, and I do understand where both you and your wife are coming from. I may have different reasoning than she, but this is, again, just from my perspective as a result of my experience.

I don't mind that my husband wants some down time before he gets into the home arena. Matter of fact when he's had a bad shift at work I am happy to let him sleep it off or whatever he wants to do. But, the problem is that when he starts playing the video game and hooking up with people online and setting "appoiontments" for their tournaments it opens a whole can of worms and I don't know when I'm gonna get him back. It could just take an hour, which is cool, but then again, it could be hours before I can get a word in edgewise. And I actually like to hear what happened to him at work and generally how he's feeling; I get kind of hurt when he spills his guts to people online before me and I just overhear it. My DH is not a talker; so, once he said whatever is on his mind to one person, he's done saying it. Then, there's the fact that once he does come back to reality, it may just be to eat dinner and get back online or he'll come over to me and ask me what it is I want to do. This question usually falls on deaf ears, because I know he's just asking me that so that he can just say, "Well, I asked you what you wanted to do; I would have gotten off the game if you wanted to do something." It's his form of manipulation, I think. So, basically if DH actually did just play the game "for a little while" that would be no big deal, but it almost never turn out that way.

Now as far as you helping her out a little around the house. Just do it, dude. Women are super heroes, but even Superman has a sidekick. Don't do it just to turn around and say well I helped you now I get to do what I want to do (that's manipulation); do it to show her that you understand sometimes she can get overwhelmed just like you can with work and school (that's showing you care). I have been a SAHM for some time now; put DH through school and finished an Associates degree myself. I helped him with his school work IMMENSELY; he never helped me. Matter of fact while I was in school he played his games. I worked outside the home for a year; he never did a load of laundry unless he was in dire need of something instead he played games.

All I'm trying to say is just try to meet in the middle even if sometimes you think your giving up more than she is; after all she probably feels much the same way a lot of the time. In marriage it's not a ME thing it's a WE thing.

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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby exgamerdotnet on Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:36 pm

Hi Brent. You can blame me for sending some of the media heat your way in October and November. After the Dr. Phil Show aired, I was asked for sources by the media, and I like your book, so I gave people your contact info.

I started counselling for my Internet porn addiction and I attend SAA meetings as well as the Online Gamers Anonymous chapter that I started. My counsellor gets the gaming stuff, so that helps. My blog is very useful as an outlet, and I'm starting to write a book.

Brad

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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby Beacon on Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:27 am

Hi Brad. Hey, no problem at all with sending the occasional interview my way…I’ll probably return the favor from time to time if you are OK with it. I’m really looking forward to the book – keep us posted!


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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby exgamerdotnet on Thu Feb 05, 2009 12:52 pm

Sure Brent, we need to network across this country to keep the issue of compulsive gaming on the national agenda. I'm Toronto three times between now and May speaking at symposiums on gaming addiction. Two of them are full day events on adolescent addictions sponsored by the Canadian Psychiatric Research Foundation.

http://cprf.ca/events/Openmind2009/mainpage2009.html

If you find yourself in this part of the country, you should drop in.

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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby emma on Tue Feb 24, 2009 1:04 am

could not agree with you more
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby JasonX43 on Sun Mar 29, 2009 2:07 am

This is a rough subject for me. I've been a gamer ever since I was 5 years old and although I'm not planning on flat out quitting, I do feel the need to spend less time with it and that this could possibly be my last console generation simply because I've discovered another calling to my life. The thing is, although I am still single at the moment, I do feel mixed emotions about dating when I come across girls like my roommate's ex-wife that simply throw temper tantrums to kick everyone off the tv as soon as she got home from work, yet their marriage fell apart because she wanted to work two full time bar jobs and hang out in the bars with her friends! I could honestly promise you that me and a girl like this WOULD NOT work out!

On the opposite end, this trend in marathon gaming does disturb me. As I said above, I've been a gamer since I was 5, but I was raised by caring and involved parents that made sure that I wasn't wasting my life away in my room playing video games on beautiful summer days. My max time with a game is 2 hours, then I'm ready to do something else. Unplugging from life entirely just isn't healthy!

Oh, and my take on anything involving the media is... IT'S A TRAP! RUUUUUUNNNNNNN!
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby newlywedwidow on Sun Mar 29, 2009 2:32 am

It's not that we want our spouse to quit completely, just control their gaming...don't let it control them. Most of the people around here are not crazy about video games because their SO plays 40+ hours a week. 2 hours at a time would be awesome. My hubby has cut way back, but still plays more then that. I never asked my hubby to quit...I asked him to cut back and spend time with me in real life.
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby JasonX43 on Sun Mar 29, 2009 7:55 am

newlywedwidow wrote:It's not that we want our spouse to quit completely, just control their gaming...don't let it control them. Most of the people around here are not crazy about video games because their SO plays 40+ hours a week. 2 hours at a time would be awesome. My hubby has cut way back, but still plays more then that. I never asked my hubby to quit...I asked him to cut back and spend time with me in real life.


It shocked me that one of my friends stayed up all night and beat Prince Of Persia: The Sands of Time for Playstation 2 in one night! The only time I can sit in front of a screen for more than 2 hours is if I'm watching a really long movie, or if I'm writing a song on my laptop!
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby joyrose on Tue May 12, 2009 1:49 pm

EQaddicted23 wrote:I work 40 hours a week and I spend about 20 more hours a week on graduate school courses to get my masters. My wife doesn't work at all and I support her. I feel like at this point it is my wife's responsibility to take care of cleaning our house, cooking meals, and doing the laundry. Does that make me like a child? Every now and then she will get upset because I am not helping to cook dinner and am instead playing a video game. Well, after spending 8 hours working and then 3-4 hours on homework, I kind of feel like I have earned the right to take an hour or two to relax and play a videogame.


I feel it is fair for your wife to do the majority of the housework, however you should realize that you get some visceral rewards from your work that no one really gets from doing housework. You get a paycheck but you also get feedback and relationship from the people you work with, however housework is a solo gig, repetitive, unpaid etc.

Yes, you have "the right" to relax. So has she. If she was working or you weren't married, would you get up and cook yourself a nice meal? Unlikely. You'd eat out or heat up something in the microwave. She works at home and also has earned "the right" to relax.

Bring home takeout and eat it at the table, not in front of the computer or TV. Take her out somewhere. Make sandwiches and spread a blanket under a tree in your backyard. Give her a break from her routine, on a regular basis.

And yes, make sure you express your appreciation for the clean home, your clean clothes, the meals you enjoy that don't cook and the dishes you don't wash.
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby Miss Mouse on Wed May 13, 2009 11:51 am

Fascinating reading, here.

I supported my husband through college.
Now I'm doing a part-time course and he is passive-aggressively refusing to pull his weight to support me in my coursework.

Things are going from bad to worse to almost-ready-to-walk-out-on-him - I know that I would walk if i had support from my IRL family.
Or the financial resources to cope alone.

The Dr. Phil Show with Brad as a guest speaker aired in my home country of Ireland yesterday - miraculously my husband was in the room and watched some of it.... I had been watching out for it for months.,..

Anyhoo, I feel that chore-sharing isn't the issue with me so much as feeling valued by my spouse.
I did Everything for the longest time, but just got sick of getting no appreciation whatsoever.
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby magliadoro on Sun Jun 21, 2009 12:55 am

Are you kiddin? Housework is one of the hardest jobs you can do and you don't get paid for it. Have you tried asking her what she does all day? I'm betting it isn't sitting around the house doing nothing. Yeah, you work a lot but so does she. Maybe instead of playing video games you should spend those 2 hours every night (which is more than 5 a week, mind you) with her instead. I mean really, would it kill you to quit playing games altogether? There, that's my honest thoughts on it and before you retaliate remember, you asked.

EQaddicted23 wrote:I have a devil's advocate type question. I know a lot of you say that your husbands are like children when they play these games... now don't get me wrong because I have not played an MMORPG in a long time. When I play video games now, it is mostly Wii sports and I play with my wife. Sometimes I play single player games on PS3, but I try to limit that to less than 5 hours a week. I want to present to you my situation and see what you guys think. Open and honest feedback would be appreciated because I want to improve myself and my relationship with my wife.

I work 40 hours a week and I spend about 20 more hours a week on graduate school courses to get my masters. My wife doesn't work at all and I support her. I feel like at this point it is my wife's responsibility to take care of cleaning our house, cooking meals, and doing the laundry. Does that make me like a child? Every now and then she will get upset because I am not helping to cook dinner and am instead playing a video game. Well, after spending 8 hours working and then 3-4 hours on homework, I kind of feel like I have earned the right to take an hour or two to relax and play a videogame.

What do you guys think? Am I being immature?

Of course, once my wife gets a job I know that I must help with the household responsibilities. I'm not trying to belittle her, I just feel like she should do something productive during the day.

Anyway, know that I appreciate whatever feedback you give whether it is positive or negative... just try to keep it constructive.
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Re: Why Your Spouse Hates Computer Games

Postby wolfy42 on Sun Jul 12, 2009 6:29 pm

Lol @ housework being the hardest job in the world.

My wife is diabetic and has a bad back so she can't do any housework. I do all the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry etc and I have for years. That does not compare to working a full time job in any way shape or form. Yes, if you are taking care of small children at the same time that makes sense...but at most maintaining a 2 person house should be considered a part time job which still leaves a good 20 hours a week free that you can use for other things.

I managed to both work full time, go to school full time and deal with all the household requirements (Even paying all the bills etc). And yes, it's nice to be appreciated....but it's not something I need to hear every day.

Basically respect your SO and treat them how you would want them to be treated if you were in their shoes. If your not working....then you should work hard to make your SO's life as easy as possible when they come home from work. If you want to consider 8-10 hours a day as work time...schedule out what you need to do and stick to it...you should be easily able to handle all the household chores, shopping, cooking, paying the bills etc durring those 8 hours and then you will be free to "relax" at night as well.

As far as video games.......and asking someone to stop them all together....that is just wrong. Ask them to cut back and control how much they play, but if they enjoy video games and it something they look forward to, then you better have something that can take it's place before you try and get them to stop...and watching TV is certainly not the answer.

Online video game addiction is a serious problem and people can get lost in MMO's easily...but one of the easiest ways for someone to get addicted is by having nothing else they really enjoy in their life. If your SO is working long hours and coming home and the only thing they look forward to is playing video games....then his or her addiction to video games is certainly not the only problem in the relationship...in fact it is quite probably only a symptom of a larger problem. When I was addicted to MMO's I was single....and since being married I have never put video games above spending quality time with my wife.....that is because I love her and enjoy doing things with her. Heck I even watch decorating shows or cooking shows with her on TV even though I can't stand them just because she enjoys them and it is nice to hang out with her and talk about the shows etc. That is part of a normal relationship, doing things with each other just because you enjoy the company.

My suggest for everyone is to spend time each week with your SO doing things you both enjoy....don't feel like every waking minute you are both not working needs to be spent together...or even that most of the time has to be spent together...but try and find things you both enjoy doing together and at least eat meals and chat for a few hours every day (as your schedule permits). If you SO is unwilling to do that, then there is a problem...one that will require your SO to be willing to make changes in order to fix. On the weekend my wife likes to sit and watch TV for hours on end...or play games on the computer (zenarchi is one of her favorite as are the luxor games). I don't begrudge her enjoying herself and relaxing even if I want to go out with her and she just isn't in the mood.

Try and make your SO as happy as you can...and unless they are a totally jerk they will reciprocate. If instead you complain or yell at them or try and make them feel guilty all you will do is alienate them and drive them away. There are exceptions of course but in most cases a relationship breaks down because both parties start thinking about their needs and wants...and not their SO's. On the other hand if you put your SO's needs first....but try to fill them in a way that also makes you happy...it is very likely your relationship will work out just fine.

That has worked quite well for me at least...and most of the relationships I have seen fall apart have followed the "Individual needs" path.
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