My war.

This forum is for those of you who are in the middle of or have successfuly beat the addiction. Whether your addiction was gaming, smoking, eating, etc. you are welcome to use this forum to help you get through it or share your story of how you got through it!

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My war.

Postby CitX on Sun Jan 25, 2009 7:47 am

My name's CitX, and I'm a Gaming addict. I play World of Warcraft all day, every day, til I pass out; whether it be from alcohol, drugs; or sleep deprivation. Even if I didnt feel like playing, I'd login just to sit there, just to be online. I have been playing WoW since the 2nd expansion was released, and prior to that; I played Final Fantasy 11 (Approx 4 years); and prior to that still I played Socom II religiously.

Pretty sure it started going south, my 2nd year in high school. I was never the most popular person, but I was always good at helping people, i loved it; whether it be a ear to lend out, someone to call 911, nursing a really drunk person back to being sober, whatever. Yet; for whatever reason, I would always receive the short end of the stick. It was always me, getting beat up, robbed, arrested, what have you, and when I called for help, no one would answer. I like to believe in karma, I do to others what I'd want done for me, but I guess I'm still waiting for it to come around, regardless though I always find myself keeping that smile on and a spring in my step; always ready to stand there with my friends, for anyone in need.

Throughout the years, my experiences have pushed me farther, and farther away from my friends as well as other people; and closer and closer towards a computer screen. On that screen, I'm invincible; on that screen, no one could hurt me-and if they did lol, I could always push the restart button.

My grades fell HARD because of my choice; but "F" it right? I got my raid tonight, gonna get me that new helm; itll be sweet, and the day after; Id get that new main hand sword! I didn't even think about college, "F" it; there's always tomorrow. We'll do it after that next raid...

Somehow, I made it through high school; more than likely due the fact that I was dragged kicking and screaming; my head too far gone into video games, and I thought; hm maybe I should try the college thing...Rejection letter after Rejection letter, eh; "F" it, I got a raid tonight anyway. I would get into county; made it maybe a semester and a quarter. Passed one class, then decided I couldn't do the college thing; it was cutting into my raid time, so I dropped it. Went back home for a few more weeks and kept at them video games.
I was 19, living at my parents house no job, no car, just sitting in my room playing video games all day everyday. My parents weren't too thrilled, obviously, so now I was given a choice. Go back to college, join the military; or get out....
....I guess I was feeling particularly patriotic that day, i opted military service, left about a month later. I'd get through basic pretty easily, after 10 weeks of being without video games I figured I was done with it. Then I moved on to AIT. After a few weeks of that, I decided to have my laptop sent to me, I played WoW a bit while I was gone, but not as much as I wanted to; so I figured I was done with that phase.

I got home and immediately hopped back onto WoW. Playing days straight with no food, no sleep; hey I was used to it, and it would continue like this until; well today.

I realize, looking back now; how negatively my video gaming has effected my life. I'm 20 years old, I live in my parents house, I don't own a car, I don't have any friends, I've never had a girlfriend, I have barely enough money for cigarettes, the occasional beer and my WoW. For years of my life, and only 1 positive thing to show for it. Even now, Id rather be playing WoW than write this; but I'm taking a stand, I'm trying to take a step in the right direction. I have lost 4 years of my life to pixels, and I don't have so much as 1 friend in this world that cares about it. I cannot believe how easy it was for me to lose sight of my own life.

Now, I realize how hard it is for me to focus without video games, I feel like I'm afraid to talk to people, I cant communicate even if I want to, furthermore; I don't know where my life is headed. It scares me greatly how little I have to show for the time I have lived.

Reading some of the stuff here has truly opened my eyes to a whole new light. I don't know where I'm going with my life, or what I'm doing; but I know my first step is to get help. I can't live like this anymore, I can't believe how much I've lost out on. I don't believe in God, but I'm confident that I can believe in myself; that if I can serve this country, I can change my life.

Thanks for listening, I'm not much of a writer but I'm trying. I appreciate any support I can receive while I go through this crazy time in my life.
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Re: My war.

Postby Tawnee on Sun Jan 25, 2009 3:09 pm

Citx,

:welcome .

First thing, stop beating yourself up. Ok, you have not much to show for 20 yrs but then again you are only 20 yrs. The world is your oyster as the saying goes.

Have a chat to your parents, we understand that this struggle is going to be hard for you. Maybe get the internet disconnected so that you CANT play. Then you need to delete the game and break up your discs. Tough I know.

Ah, forgot one important step. The hardest step. You need to strip your characters, sell everything in your bags, give away all the gold and then delete every character. That's right, delete them all. No selling them, no ebay, delete.

Now you cant go back.

Now talk with your parents about setting some new goals. They can be small daily ones, some bigger weekly goals and then something big...a dream. Make yourself small tasks to complete each day so that it doesn't seem so hard. Don't go on the game forums, don't talk to your guild.

Get some excercise. It will make you not only look better but feel good. Get the endophins pumping. Maybe join a gym or a club.

Try and have a plan for those times that its really hard, say when its late at night or early morning and you can't do anything. Have some books ready, ipod with some good music, a friend you can call or ask your parents if you can talk to them. This is gonna be like giving up smoking, gambling etc. you will need help, encouragement and a big set of balls. :lol

Post on here. Some gamers have used these boards as a kind of journel. You can put anything down here.

And please, if you have a slip up don't think its all over and give up. Take it for what it is and try again. Tell us, we wont berate you, just try to encourage you to try again.

You have friends here....you just need to find them :D
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Re: My war.

Postby Sirena on Sun Jan 25, 2009 4:20 pm

Welcome to GW, CitX!! :welcome

I couldn't have said it any better than Tawns. It will not be easy. Make plans NOW for things to do to keep you busy. Don't mourn the past. What's done, is done. Determine to make the future different. You are so blessed to have seen the effects of gaming on your life. Many addicts never see any wrong with their habit and continue to withdraw from RL. My husband is addicted to WOW and seems to have lost some of his social skills. We are here for you. Keep us posted on your progress. And as was stated by our resident goddess, if you slip and fall on your new road, pick yourself up and start again. It's okay.
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Re: My war.

Postby phnxzlil1 on Sun Jan 25, 2009 7:42 pm

We are all here for you!!
I can't say that I have ever had to deal with anything such as what you are dealing with right now,but I do know that I Spend far too much of my own time online, I keep up with my job via the internet, I have a facebook and myspace account as well as numerous email accounts and all my bills are paid online. While I am not a gamer my s/o is. I don't think there is a person here who can't say they don't spend too much time in the world of pixels, we as a society are fairly darn dependent on our pcs!
I'm up basically any time day or night....I work and go to school full time and then the hardcore gamer in my life tends to make enough noise in this house to disrupt the sleep of the dead and it has recently been making it very difficult for me to sleep. In fact until recently he had NO idea that I was even out looking for people to talk to about my frustration in not understanding his hobby. Maybe you will be able to provide me with some insight if we get a chance to talk.

*hugs*
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Re: My war.

Postby CitX on Wed Jan 28, 2009 2:56 am

Thanks for all the kind words, much appreciated.

It really sucks, I still play on and off ALOT, I'm going to try going back to counseling, but its not easy; I'm really afraid its not going to work, previously my parents had forced me to do it before i turned 18 and it was a nightmare. I couldn't talk to him, like i sat down and my mind was a blank; he really tried to get me to talk and I really wanted to, but I just couldn't. Behind a computer screen, I got all the words in the world, when I face an actual person; I have nothing to say, its just ridiculously awkward when I try talking with anyone, I don't know why I cant do it; and it just frustrates me to no end and I just say screw it and go back to my games. Its scaring me quite honestly, this felt normal for so long, and now that I'm taking a good look at it I see that its not, and now I cant turn it off. Like, even if I stopped gaming entirely, am I still screwed?
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Re: My war.

Postby goodjuju on Wed Jan 28, 2009 10:32 am

You are not screwed! Especially if you quit gaming, that is a hugh accomplishment. There are former gamers on this site that can give you much better advice than I can, but have faith in yourself. You can do it. You've already taken a step by realizing you need to change. There are some gamers that do not see it as addiction and will never admit that there is a problem and a need for change. So you are already leaps and bounds ahead of them.

Good Luck!
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Re: My war.

Postby CitX on Thu Jan 29, 2009 12:49 pm

I'm really afraid this isn't going to go away. Even if I quit gaming all together and I get back to real life, I just feel like its too late. I'm 100% on my own, my grades aren't good enough to get me into a decent college, let alone being able to afford it since my parents 100% refuse to help me in any possible way, I can't find a decent job, the one car I owned got totaled sliding out on ice and now I'm being sued by the township over a bent up fire hydrant, I have no health insurance so getting consoling is proving ridiculously difficult. I really don't understand why this shit happens to me. Throughout my life for the parts I participated in; I was a fairly good person; I did everything I could to help other people, I was there for my friends when no one else would, and now there is no one there for me.

My friends were, and are horrible people. My 18th birthday, I was carrying one who overdosed on heroin into the ER, he stopped breathing and his heart stopped in my arms for 9 seconds. they do stupid things all the time and I had to help clean it up. Now that things are all said and done, they're all going places with their lives, doing things that I could only dream of college, jobs, all that pretty shit, and now I'm all alone. People used to tell me, not to help people, that they didn't deserve it. I couldn't look away, no matter how hard I tried, no one else would do it, who the hell was I to leave someone in need?

What the hell did I do to deserve such a shitty life? The only thing I have going for me is the fact that I'm serving my country, and even that's got its quarks.

I just feel like, no matter what I do I'm screwed; I just cant seem to win. I wish I knew how to fix it. What bothers me the most is, I cant blame the video games; the only person here I can blame is myself; myself for being weak enough to let this crap roll on for as long as it did, and now its just too late; and I feel like i'm going to pay for my choices for the rest of my life.

I'm sorry if I'm being overbearing; but I truly feel like I have no where else to go.
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Re: My war.

Postby Tawnee on Thu Jan 29, 2009 3:09 pm

Hey CitX,

Vent here as much as you like.

I know things look kinda down and you are struggling.

Pick 1 tiny goal out of the list and just work on that one. Do a little bit each day. Maybe write a list and cross things off so that you can actually SEE that you are getting things done.

Don't feel that you are getting to old for school. In Australia adults can get their High Scool equivelent and then go to Uni, I am sure there is something for you like that. So right now your grades suck too much to go to College. So go back and redo your final year at high school. I have heard that it is easier after a couple of years of.

Please don't give up.
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Re: My war.

Postby BamaGal on Sat Jan 31, 2009 11:35 am

CitX,

There is no penalty for being the person others count on. The fact that you are waiting for kudos is telling. Most who help others have to come to peace with the fact that people don't always understand or immediately care about what you've done for them. The smart ones will, in time, but if you help people for anything other than knowing you are doing what is right, than you should reassess your motives.
Hence the saying "No good deed goes unpunished".
As for the gaming, I'm happy to see that someone your age is coming around. I wish that you were my son. My oldest son dropped out of high school, and fights depression constantly. He has retreated wholly into gaming. He has no car, no money, no job, no friends, and never leaves the house. This has gone on for four years. When I have tried to put him out, my husband gets in the way. Says that at least he isn't in trouble. :( Bullshit. He is in trouble, just not with the police. :desk
I would be so incredibly happy if he would at least try to take the path you are on. I wish you the best! Take things in small steps. You'll make it.
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Re: My war.

Postby chibichan on Mon Feb 02, 2009 6:14 pm

Tawnee's advice is excellent.

I just want to reemphasize that you're only 20! The world awaits you... and there are so many possibilities out there, so many places and so many people. It's never too late, and if it's any consolation, most people I know are never certain about where their lives are going. Many just pick a career path they like and run with it, many change their minds anyway far beyond the age of 20.

Once you start reaching out more in one aspect of life, other aspects will open up. Friendships will form, I'm sure of it. Everyone expresses how they care in a different way, so try not to focus on whether or not others are "returning favors" and more on doing what feels right to you.

Also, I don't know the details of your family situation, but it seems like your parents care about you enough to want to step in. My experience has taught me not to undervalue the family I have and what a great support group they can be. You're not alone, and we're behind you in your efforts. Good luck!
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Re: My war.

Postby Djorn on Wed Feb 11, 2009 7:44 pm

I'll tell you what CitX. Your writing, is excellent.

Don't blame yourself for letting the outside world affect you, that doesn't make you weak. There is no person in the world who is not damaged by events in their life. And the things that have happened to you would of affected anybody. It's not your fault that you have been mistreated. It really isn't.

You seem like a remarkably intelligent and awesome person with just a few things to work on.

In four years time, what do you want to look back on and see?
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Re: My war.

Postby CitX on Fri Feb 13, 2009 2:38 pm

Took me well over 2 and a half weeks to find the balls to call a therapist; but I start Wed of next week. I wish I knew why the hell the simple shit is so hard for me to grasp; I feel like I'm almost scared to talk to other people; I'd sit down and say okay I'm doing this; then I'd just find stupid shit to do that would take priority over it.

I still play wow more than ever; even if it's to sit there and just be logged on. Throughout all this I managed to practically cap out my rogue there is practically nothing in the raid scene I haven't done; I even have the stupid ass achievement titles to show for it. I wish I knew why this shit is so hard; I don't even know why I'm playing anymore, I just do it, and I play myself to death. I'll find something stupid to do and I"ll run with it not caring how much time I put into it, and next thing I know; I've been at it for a day and a half straight.

I'm tired all the time, and very sad, I tried to run a 2 mile the other day in preparation for my upcoming PT test and could barely get through one, I used to be able to run 5s, I don't know what the hell happened, I've gained at least 10 pounds since I got out of training. I've tried on several occasions to get out of the house and hang out with friends but no one answers for me anymore; it fucking sucks.

Sometimes I want to tell other people what's going on but the words just wont come out. The last person that asked me if I was okay was several months back; I told her to fuck off and never spoke to her again. I think I'm afraid I'm going to get laughed at, that no one will take this seriously, and most of all that no one will care, but it's not actual fear or embarrassment that I feel, its just a void; nothing. I can't find the words. I'm well aware I have dug this hole, but for whatever reason I can't seem to get out of it. Quit playing wow, and go outside is not a good enough answer, because even if I separate myself from the game, what do I have? Nothing.

I'm sorry; I'm not trying to be stubborn; I just don't see any other plausible way, I'm lost in a sea of bullshit with nothing but a small, slowly deflating life vest keeping me afloat. Gotta try and do this one step at a time...Here's to Wednesday....

Thank you for your support.
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Re: My war.

Postby Psykiblue on Fri Feb 13, 2009 5:50 pm

baby steps, that's what you need to do.


No one is saying you have to quit wow and drastically change everything, you just need to take it one step at a time and have patience with yourself.

You seem to be carrying a tremendous burden of guilt right now, and you need to learn to let go of that and hopefully your therapist can help you with that.

lastly if you want someone to talk to PM me. I won't laugh, I won't judge but I will listen.
I object to violence because when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.

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Re: My war.

Postby EQaddicted23 on Sat Feb 14, 2009 11:33 am

I am a former gaming addict.

Some people are telling you "don't blame yourself." Well, don't blame yourself for too long, but let me tell you the real problem here....

You have yet to accept that you are in control of your situation in life. You can mope about "why did this happen to me" all day long, but it isn't going to get you anywhere. It's not about whether you deserve what you got in life because life isn't fair. You take what you get and you make the best situation out of it possible. Here are the steps I suggest you take:

1.) Give yourself an hour or two to let it all out. Write down the things that make you sad or you think are wrong in your life.
2.) Quit playing WoW cold turkey. You don't need it. You know it fucked up your life. Erase your characters, uninstall it, and destroy the disks and any install files. Leave no shred of it behind.
3.) Find new friends because the ones you have clearly suck.
4.) Quit doing drugs. They will kill your motivation to make yourself better.
5.) Look back at your list from step 1 and start correcting the problems.

You are responsible for yourself. There is no cosmic force that is going to see you were a good person and reward you. The only rewards you get are the ones you earn for yourself (and sometimes life doesn't even give you those). Life sucks, but do you want to cry about it or are you going to be a man about it?
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Re: My war.

Postby Djorn on Sat Feb 14, 2009 4:26 pm

CitX, you are now searching for the truth and have a desire to change.

Even though it doesn't feel like it now that is a massive positive. It is the first step, which is probably the biggest and the hardest.

I read your words now and admire your strength, you probably feel weak, but you're not. A lot of people never make it this far. It will probably get worse before it gets better, you will feel negative, but this is a positive. Sadness is an utterly necessary emotion to feel before you can have happeiness.

When it does get better, it will be beyond what you can even imagine right now and you will look back with a sense of disbelief.

In short, big respect and congratulaions to you.
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Re: My war.

Postby MAUL0r on Tue Mar 31, 2009 5:45 pm

It's important to acknowledge that you've mentioned something very profound in all of this... You said that you can only blame yourself. Much of the other statements you've made have been "why me?" in nature... which, while comfortable, is not a step forward towards beating this thing.

Some people on this board have heard my extensive discussions regarding understanding addiction where gaming is concerned. Your situation is what I strive to help people avoid, however it's not the end of the world, and it can be beaten.

The above posters are all correct... at 20 it's easy to feel like you're standing on the edge of a cliff, waiting to jump into what will ultimately be your life. If you mess up and forget your parachute (college, aspirations, ambition, inspiration), it can feel like you're about to leap into an unpleasant free fall with a painful ending.

None of this, however, is true. Society expects us to be a certain way... ...it expects us to have accomplished certain things by the time we reach a certain age in order to fit in. But always remember this... your path in this life is yours and yours alone. There are people with little to no education that become billionaires, and by contrast there are geniuses that live in extreme poverty. Whenever you start to think that you've screwed up and will pay for it the rest of your life, that is society talking, not you.

Tomorrow (the day after you read this), can be the first day of recovery. It can be this, because it's your path, and only you can control your life. Not society, not your friends, not a game. You could wake up tomorrow and resolve never to log into WoW. It might possibly feel like the most boring day of your life up till now, but I promise the sun will set, you'll still be alive, and you'll wake up the next day with the strength to do it all over again.

With practice, you will even be able to play games in moderation, but right now, the best thing for you is to cut it out of your life all together. You seem to have a few other issues that are weighing heavily on your mind right now that should take priority. Resolve to take a break... put all of your energy into improving your situation in the real world for a while... nothing is beyond the point of no return. We are all capable of becoming more than what we are now, ESPECIALLY at 20.

I'd wish you luck... but you're not going to need luck, you're just gonna beat this thing like a champ!

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At a glance...

Postby CitX on Wed Nov 04, 2009 5:20 pm

I have been clean from WoW for quite some time, I was shocked, when I finally canceled the bastard, I felt regret, scared even, over a fucking game? Ridiculous. Never really felt more disgusted with myself then at that point. I decided to look at this decision through a glass half full, rather than the alternative, the battle was won but the war had just begun.

Job searching has proven rather fruitless, I had decided to enroll in college again...I lasted maybe 3 weeks, I hated being there, and the work was too much too fast, I stopped going.

The home front is ugly. I'm scared to be home alone, I'm a constant bowl of mixed feelings, anger, pain, sadness, guilt. It's almost like I was destined for failure, nothing I do is right. The one thing I am good at is pushing people away.

I went to therapy, it was going nowhere, had to stop. I was on pills for a little bit several different kinds and it just was not working, some made me feel worse, some made me feel nothing at all, while others just made me sick.

When I'm outside the house now, which is primarily whenever the few friends I still have around aren't working or are in school, I'm drinking, a lot. At the parties and bars I go to, I'm the last person to call it quits.

Relationship wise, I can't stand the thought of letting anyone close to me, new friends or girls. That's one of the few things I still can't understand why, it's just a natural reflex for me, and I can't break it if I tried. I'm not even interested in helping people anymore. I just really don't care.

I know how this sounds, but one thing is certain. Suicide never once crossed my mind, nor will it ever be on my mind. I'm lost and confused, but I'm going to push through this.

Still trying to sort things out...
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Re: My war.

Postby Tawnee on Thu Nov 05, 2009 4:46 am

CitX :clap Huge Congtats on the wow quitting.

That is such a big achievemnt, please don't minimise it. Some people can't even do that!

From what you have posted it sounds like you are suffering from depression. Now this doesn't mean you are weak, crazy etc etc. Your body is going through withrawls of all those lovely little wow endorphins.

You do need to see a doctor about this. Exercise is also really good for this as it gives you natural endorphins. Start off slowly. Make your goals realistic and acheievable.

I am so glad that you came back here to let us know. I did wonder where you went to and how you have been doing.

Take care :hug
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Re: My war.

Postby Sirena on Fri Nov 06, 2009 11:11 am

:sredit :joy :thewave

Hi CitX

Congrats! Congrats! What an accomplishment - definitely don't underestimate it. That takes serious courage and willpower. I agree wholeheartedly with Tawnee on the exercise. Exercise and sunshine are both great therapy for depression. It also gets you out of the house. There are plenty of things you can do without paying a gym. Walk, run, or bike outside, hiking, or free weights in the back yard (you can buy those cheap at thrift stores). Another thing...try to get into a routine with your sleep habits. If you are shutting the bars down at night, your sleep is probably very erratic. Try to go to bed around the same time every night and not so late. You will be amazed at how much better you will feel if you can put some or all of these into action. Then, mentally and physically, you are able to handle some of the other things. Don't worry about a relationship right now. Take time for yourself.
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