Ok seriously??

This forum is for those of you who are in the middle of or have successfuly beat the addiction. Whether your addiction was gaming, smoking, eating, etc. you are welcome to use this forum to help you get through it or share your story of how you got through it!

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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby wkct56 on Mon Jul 12, 2010 3:55 am

There seem to be some uncertainty about what is an "addiction".

I am not a doctor and cannot offer a "scientific" definition. But here is a quick way to test if one is "addicted" to the game:

The next time your lover appears next to you naked wanting to make love to you and you continue playing the game, then there may be a problem......
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby SarCastro on Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:14 am

Okay people enough snarky assed remarks and opinions. Let me lay it down so that anyone could understand.

+ Gaming IS an addiction. Think about it this way: every time you crave Oreos and eat nothing but that it can be considered an addiction based upon the pleasure center of the brain that releases dopamine. Which brings me to this:

+ If your relationships are so fickle to be teetering on constant attention then maybe it is YOUR problem and not the gamers. Even though it can be classified as an addiction as a significant other you should at least try to work something out.

+ Consider the world your significant other lives in. The original poster made a point that ANYTING CAN BE ADDICTING. Ask your mother if your father has an annoying hobby and see what happens. And then ask your father if your mother nags him to death like a child about that hobby. Respect each other instead of whining over the internet about it.

+ EVERYTHING IN MODERATION that includes both gaming and needing attention. Because after all, you're no worse than they are. So work together or dont. Those are your options. If your relationship is truely strong there has to be compromise in BOTH.

Remember people you both got into a relationship for a reason. Let that be your focal point. If you dwell on petty imperfections then you will never be happy. Gamers take the time to unplug and "widows" play a round or two with them on gaming. Gamers, set a goal to not be as on so much so it doesnt get in the way of the important things in life (like your child's birth) and "widows" please dont nag on them so much (if you treat them like less than a person then they'll act like it).

Notice how I put quotations on the widow because I dont consider you to be so. Your significant other isnt dead and if you detach in such a way it'll lead to nothing good.

I wish nothing but the best and remember that the only thing that is absolute is death.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Jonathan on Thu Jan 06, 2011 12:41 pm

I need to address each of your points individually as you have a few valid points but are uninformed on most:
I do agree that gaming IS definitely an addiction just as any drug. However, you may crave Oreos, cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, but as some point your body will either reach a point of saturation and you will pass out or you will simply die. If you have seen some of the post by "Blahblahblah" you can see the proof that countless hours can be played and the body has no "off" from this addiction.
All relationships have issues but to many, a game that starts as a fun hobby/distraction becomes an escape and can replace real life. Many of the Widows on this site were in satisfying relationships that ended badly or are in dire straights because of gaming. Have you been in a relationship with an addicted gamer who lives facing a computer monitor. A spouse who was a go-getter, college graduate with a bright future who now forgets to feed the kids, clean the house, get a job, pick-up kids from school/activities, bathe? Gaming becomes everything…… it is what they talk about, what they plan for, what they dream about and eventually who they are.

The expression goes "Walk a mile in another man's shoes".... Have you lived with an addict? If you haven't, then who the hell are you to scold us on the reality of our lives and the difficulties we have endured without grounds to base your opinion.
Work together? Other posts on this site have described how the frontal lobe of the brain is changed, unlike other addictions, by the constant gaming and our loved ones who game don't see how if affects them or their families. Setting a schedule for gaming may work for some but for many on this site who have tried everything, the draw is far to great to limit even with the best of intentions.

To define a "Widow" you believe a person has to die...? You need to take time to read the posts on this site and see that it wasn't the body that died but who they were inside complete with motivation, drive, and love for oneself, spouse and family. All that was good about that person you fell in love with is withered away and eventually causes the relationship to starve to death out of utter frustration with the gamer or complete neglect. One day, one raid, one achievement, one quest, one match becomes the priority and focus for the gamer and the relationship dies.

Thus we are “Widows”
Last edited by Jonathan on Thu Jan 06, 2011 6:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Tawnee on Thu Jan 06, 2011 3:17 pm

SarCastro thank you for posting.

Couple of things.

1. My ex gamer played for 80 hours a week. Now after playing for the equivelent of 2 full-time jobs how much time to you think he had left over for other things he HAD to do let alone spend time with me? Yeah, not much. Now I am certainly not a clingy g/f, I work hard and have 2 kids but if Im in a relationship with someone I kinda want to spend some time with them. And yeah I tried to play but there is no way they want to play with you cause you frustrate them. And I ended up hating wow so much that just the sound of the music set my teeth off. Oh and having sex with someone that "forgets" to shower or brush their teeth is no turn on either.

2. If you give someone your credit card so they can renew their car registration $157.00 so they can keep their job but instead spend $800 on wow gold, isn't that an issue.

3. If they lose every job they have cause they don't show up, gaming could be an issue.

4. The biggie for me. The beginning of the end. When your partner chokes you over the game then they are certainly the issue.

Next time someonbe calls me a clingy g/f I think I may just explode!!!!
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby SarCastro on Thu Jan 06, 2011 11:51 pm

I apologize for being so bold as to type something that appears that I am scolding you but as you can guess people pay more attention when you act boldly. But again its not my place to tell you what to do but my point still stands.

If your siginifcant other decides to choke you, spend all your money, or cause you emotional or physical harm you need to go to counseling in order to get your lives on the right track. Gaming itself isnt a bad thing. Its annoying to hear it be demonized here because just like anything it is something that can be addicting.

Johnathan, have you considered that people can have addictive personalities? Sometimes if you remove one pleasurable stimuli it can be replaced for another one. What makes any stimuli unhealthy is if you allow it to run your life. And what makes it into a larger beast is when they need more in order to get their hit.

For the record it is not my place to tell you what to do, I would just rather see you and your significant other work it out rather than to rant it out online. I cannot begin to imagine the amount of pain and anguish that the people here hit by obsessive behavior have felt. Just remember that you are not a victim of gaming; rather a victim of obsessive behaviors.

I really wish that you guys here are able to work past the fixation on gaming and assert the deeper problem at hand because with how these gamers behave the problem can still exist but in a different form. Remember before there was the world of warcraft there was dungeons and dragons. As they say the game changes but the player remains the same (pardon my corniness).

Tawnee thanks for being a gracious host by welcoming me here. There are not many people out there that do and I just want to express gratitude for your welcome.

Remember guys it may sound like I am defending gaming but I am not. As far as I'm concerned its a damnnable business that is laced with greed. Gaming just like any activity should be about bringing people together, not tearing them apart. It has been perversed just like many things before it.

Take care my friends I hope that my posts so far help bring you insight on the real enemy so that way you are one step closer to reaching resolution. I didnt mean to scold the first time I posted and I wish that Johnathan and many others understand the point I wanted to make.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Jonathan on Fri Jan 07, 2011 1:39 pm

Sorry if I came across a bit stern in my response to you but it hits a nerve when you we, the ones hurt by an addict, are questioned about how we try to resolve our troubled relationships. That we shouldn't blame the drug(gaming) but blame the person addicted to the drug. Of course the person is to blame for their behaviors and they indeed may have an addictive personality that placed them into this situation. I believe that gaming offers a completely new addicting opportunity for some who would never start other destructive habits.

My EX-wife is a vegetarian who would drink alcohol maybe 4 times a year and would NEVER consider using any kind of drug is completely addicted to gaming. The reason that we are using this website because this is not a NORMAL addiction. You can look in the paper for meeting for "AA" or "Ala-non" meeting but I don't ever recall meetings for Gamers Anonymous. Several of the posts on this site mention how family member say, "Well, at least he is at home and not out drinking and driving" or "She could be out sleeping with everyone" or " He could be using _____ (drug) like (that guy.. insert name)" This addiction is unique.

My life is in a much better place now but I and others who have lived through this addictive lifestyle whether themselves or spouses offer words of encouragement or advice to individuals through this site who are at their wits end and need someone to simply understand. We try to help without judgment of what THEY could do better to help their gamer or themselves. We recommend counseling, family member intervention, shutting the internet down to throwing the damn computer away or even offer encouragement when they want to take steps in a new direction.

I went through counseling when my wife and I broke up and he told me that it was becoming more frequent for him to see troubled relationship because of addictions related to computer use. Some gaming, others Porn, Facebook and similar sites all had spouses devoting countless hours to wasted endeavors sitting at the computer. I do agree that gaming, like any other pleasurable stimuli can become an addictive habit. No Kidding.
So you know, I still enjoy gaming in very limited amounts, even WOW, but it will never run my life again and I will make sure my future is better than my past.

Call it ranting, bitching, complaining, swearing, or flat out breaking down but people are here to get their frustrations out with others who know what they are going through. Many gamers simply will not change and don’t want to listen or go to counseling and this place is a good sounding board for those hurting.

Jonathan
Last edited by Jonathan on Sat Jan 08, 2011 9:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Tawnee on Fri Jan 07, 2011 5:14 pm

And also more on Jonathons point (sorry John) is yes we do blame gaming, the same way an alcoholics spouse will blame alcohol.

Now I love Bourbon, however there are people out there that have had Bourbon ruin their lives. Should I start defending Bourbon and explain that it's not Bourbons fault and that they must own the issues in their relationship?

No way! I have no idea of the pain they have gone through (well, I do now obviously!).

Also most of us before we even get to this site have tried so many different ways to pull our spouses back into the real world. I asked for counceling (nope he wouldn't go) I played with him (that so didn't work as then the kids got neglected by both parents) I took him on holiday to a resort Island trying to reconnect (he sat on his laptop the whole time). God, for 4 yrs I tried everything!

It'wasn't through lack of MY effort that I couldn't help him. What does AA say? You can't help them until they hit rock bottom and WANT help.

I couldn't wait for his rock bottom. I had children to consider not just me. I would be dead by the time he got to his rock bottom.

So I got to mine.

3 years on I am much happier (still happily single) kids are good, works good, my bills are paid, taken the kids on another holiday. Guess what he is doing?

Still playing wow.

He currently has no job, had a child with someone else that he doesn't see, got in trouble with the law and STILL PLAYING BLOODY WOW!.

Gaming was HIS problem not mine. I tried to help but he didn't want it.

I don't hate games, my youngest son plays games. We have the WII, ds, computer games. However I will NEVER allow my 13 yr old to play wow etc as they are too addicting. (the designers have admitted to making it that way)

Maybe try walking into an Al-anon meeting and start defending booze and see what happens?
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby SarCastro on Fri Jan 07, 2011 7:05 pm

I am very happy to see that gamerwidow isnt what I thought it was at first. I thought that you guys were so upset at gaming that you guys would obsess about being anti gaming. I thought that the obsession of gaming wasnt only in the gamer but the victim as well.

You've both proved me very wrong and I must say that I really do support this site's endavors and I feel that the APA (the american psychological association) should consider this website as away to deal with this breed of addiction.

I will admit that I was once addicted to gaming. I would spend more time "grinding away" than studying for my college tests. I actualy missed a test playing world of warcraft the morning of.

What made me change was me. I consider myself very lucky that I had the humility and the insight to see what this habbit was doing to my life. It was messing up my future, costing money, and alienating me from the world around me.

How I broke this habit was that I thought:

My future: "This game is making me fail my classes. Without these classes I cannot get a better job. And without a better job I cannot afford to pay for this."

My income: "These games are overpriced. In about a month or so I could be able to pay for this and then some. They are making money based on hype and I'd rather pay for more and not get less."

The Alienation: "I'm tired of playing by myself. I remember that the reason why I have become a gamer was that it was fun with my friends. Hell, frogger was enough to bring a crowd of people screaming in excitement; now I am by myself with people who couldnt feel the excitement of a live concert even if it was free and in their home. Games are so much better with friends. And without them the gaming itself is meaningless."

Now what I did was look deep into who I was and what I was becoming. If I just kept playing and didnt think of this I would have been the same. It is true that self intospection comes from when you are humbled and hit rock bottom but if you humble yourself you wouldnt need to reach that extreme. If Tawnee's ex husband would have done that maybe that tragedy wouldnt have happened. I feel bad for him Tawnee because he is a hallow shell of what he could be.

Maybe this is how the addiction can be broken, however I find it to be bittersweet because you'd have to rely on them to humble themselves. But if they do and see how this is working out for them maybe they will convince themselves to change their path.

Currently when I go into a gamestop my wife (the ex-gaming widow) actually gets angry because I dont buy anything. lol I guess I beat the addiction a little too well huh? But I think that if I am going to put money into something it should be worth it.

I feel very sad that Tawnee and Johnathan had this happen to them but I hope deep in my heart that your loved ones break this addiction before it breaks them.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Tawnee on Sat Jan 08, 2011 10:01 am

SarCastro (hugs) that was a beautiful reply. Thank you.

And yes, Johnathon and I do jump pretty quickly cos often we have gamers come in here and say "Well you're fat and ugly, didn't put out, etc etc" that we do get tired of it.

It's nice to see someone out there "get's it".

We don't hate games but hate what they can do to people.

I am so so glad that you managed to free yourself from the grind to enjoy RL again.

Games can be fun. Everything can be fun in moderation.

Please take care and keep posting.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby SarCastro on Sat Jan 08, 2011 7:50 pm

Not a problem Tawnee. You guys have a good forum here and I think that moderators like you are what contributes to it being great. In a day of conveinence people often forget that it takes hard work to better themselves. They would go into great lengths to prove their point instead of listening to something outside their norm. It is easy to blame other things such as you guys here but when they are on their deathbed it gives you alot to think about and alot to regret. I'd rather not be my own worse enemy and be at my prime for as long as I can.

Feel pity for those who insult what you do here or make fun of you. For they do not have the insight to better themselves. According to them they are gods gift to humanity. Time would show how wrong they are. You people here are saints for the simple fact that you extend the hand of help when others do not. Just know that it is not uncommon in the nature of an animal to bite the hand that feeds it. The only thing that humans have that makes it any different is an ego.

If you drink too much you'll drown, if you eat too much you'll choke, this is how it is when moderation isnt used. The understanding of this is the keystone of breaking the habit. I pray that more people find this out for themselves. But thank god you guys are here. Maybe it'll catalize this.

Hugs back to you too Tawnee. :D
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby wowhusband on Tue Jun 21, 2011 10:51 am

Oh my god. the guy that started this thread could not be more right and yet all you woman do is yap yap.
All my wife does is watch t.v?????? She finds nothing worng with that. We play games because we need to relax or just plain and simple dont feel like being around you (the wife)

Like i have said a 100 times , more sex from the wife means less wow for me. Guys are really simpe, give us sex, give us a wife that loves to take care of herself and ill show you a husband who will uninstall his wow. I love my vids and wife. But no sex in a month or more means.....1 sleep alone....2 eat alone..... i will go play wow. Not to replace her but, the sex used to be daily even weekly would be nice,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,.

For the rest of you. If he does not want to spend time with you, and you have been replace? what does that tell you. What did you do? not why do we do what do.
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby Jonathan on Tue Jun 21, 2011 3:14 pm

Maybe you have figured it out... the answer to all the addictive personalities in the world. Your wife needs to put out more. OMG. call CNN & FOX to get an exclusive. Think there may be a cure for cancer here too?

You must be joking as I don't think that anyone can be that moronic to believe the video game industry has it's programers design the games around those men out there who are sexually frustrated. Although...., most of the women in WOW and other games are sporting rather perky breasts that would make Pamela Anderson jealous. Seems set more to the teenage desires of the perfect DD woman rather than what an adult knows is true for the average guy.

Just a thought, maybe your wife is so disgusted with seeing the back of your head staring at a monitor rather than watching her that she has no interest in you. Do you take care of responsibilities at the house where she sees you as someone she wants to be with? Maybe you are developing a gamers body rather than P90X? A little more round... southpark warcraft episode style?(more hotpockets mom) Maybe she has someone else paying attention to her who may be getting the sex you aren't?

FYI. SEX IS NOT THE ANSWER: With my ex-wife wow addict, I worked full time plus a part time job, we had 8 kids( hers/mine), I cleaned the 5 br.house/yard/pool, worked out/ran, coached kids sports, and raided in a server first guild for 2.5 years for 25 hours a week.(FYI. I was one of the best resto-shaman in the games.no B.S.) All she did near the end of our marriage was look good with her DD we purchased and play wow... ALOT but she was also the healing lead and assistant GM for our high rated US raiding guild. And yes, we had sex at least once a day and again during long arena cues (no cancer :lol ) but the addiction was to much for me to deal with despite the really good sex. All my complaining about money, cleaning, kids, pets and being a f-ing drag on me and the kids led to her leaving for a gamer kids who sounds like you. Her life is a sad story now but she has wow and an understing kid who loves gaming as much as she does.

If you think you have all the answers then write a book or find another site for people with all the answers. This site is for those people who love someone who has gotten lost in another world and come here for support or they themselves are looking for answers.

Good luck...
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Re: Ok seriously??

Postby donald on Wed Jun 22, 2011 12:22 pm

I don't know if the original author's of these posts still read, but I feel the need to respond to some. Re: the husband who moved out when given the ultimatum, the folks who aplaud that, and any poor widow who believes maybe that is okay.

If one's goal in life is to please oneself and to do exactly what one wants, then yes, staying lost in game world at the cost of all loved one's broken hearts is appropriate. However, I propose that at some level even the most self-indulgent gamer understands the intrinsic wrongness of that failed philosophy. If hurting others to please yourself is justified, please do not cry when others cheat on you, lie about you, steal your stuff, punch your face in simply because it makes them feel better, etc.

At the end of your life, you will have acheived exactly what you set out to do -- a lifetime of indulgence -- happiness in the moment -- at the expense of... what? I don't know. What if there is a God and you are called before him to justify your life choices? What if you saw a glimpse of your S/O crying themselves to sleep out of pain and confusion -- the person who, at some point, you promised to love and care for... I assure you, the grief of the victim lasts only a short while, but the grief of the perpetrator lasts a very long time.

To the S/O's: pain, hurt, lonliness, abandonment, etc. suck hardcore. Don't let it destroy you, but use those feelings to generate compassion within yourselves for the lost, hurting, and lonely others of the world. You have been or are going through hell -- you will be a deeper, better person for it.

God bless you,

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