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Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Mon May 27, 2013 11:03 pm
by Imustbeasaint
Hi group. Wow I feel so happy to know I'm not bat shit crazy over my husbands gaming! As he tells me. I am married 15+ years. I have 4 lovely children. I work, work out, volunteer, and go to school part time and I feel very much like a single mother.

My husband began playing games about 2 years into our marriage. Being young and not knowing how marriage should be it took me 8 years to realize it was not normal for your husband to game 8+ hours a day and work. I went to bed alone nightly and we rarely did the deed. It was 6 years into this constant gaming that I got the nerve to really speak out. It went badly and I decided to leave with my kids. This woke him up and he abandoned all gaming.... for a few years.

Husband is back at it and gaming 6 hrs a day mostly at work but now hes playing all nights he is off from work all night long. His current game Guild Wars 2. He has logged over 1600 hrs in less then 7 months on just one of his accounts. He has 2. I find myself so angry at him I do not want to sleep next to him. We do not have sex ever, that would require him to be in bed. I do not think I am unattractive but maybe he isn't attracted to me? IDK its so sad I have the worse sex life ever. 3 times in 18 months.

I honestly just want a divorce and a new marriage. Anyone else feel this way? I am tired of being last in my family. I am tired of going to events alone or with him on his cell. I forgot to mention he is on his cell all day when hes not gaming. He is on message boards none stop. He cant even hold our baby without reading the board. The other day I discovered he is skyping and ventril talking to these guild members women included. He left it playing on his laptop. I heard the voices and realized he was talking to a group then a girl. It wasn't to inappropriate aside from the fact we never talk because if I talk I am bitching or nagging.

I call him on his gaming and phone use all the time and warn him hes destroying our marriage to which he ignores or gets really nasty. He calls me names and I call him on it too but he doesn't care.

My synopsis is he's addicted and cheating with a player online, hes gay,or he just hates me.

Putting it on here I realize how pathetic I am still married to him. Its just easier to be I guess.......I must be a saint to out up with it for so long.

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 4:54 am
by ginabean
Hi saint
Welcome. You're not the only one who is nuts for staying in a totally dysfunctional relationship. My situation is so similar. My hubby has multiple games going on his phone, iPad, iPod, and laptop with this ridiculous game called world war. I'm talking 40-50 cloned games running simultaneously. When he's not on his games, he's chatting on pal. I've caught him out multiple times not only flirting but having full on *** rated conversations with other women. It's destroyed my trust in him, my self image is shattered. It apparently means nothing. Looks like he's heading in that direction again, I checked on his chat log after he fell asleep last night, the flirting is starting to get sexual again. This who,e fiasco has been happening for almost 3 years. I don't have an answer for you my dear. I'm certainly in no position to give advice, I'm nuts myself. And tired. Bone tired. He does nothing in the house, I do everything. Every last flaming thing. Hang out with us, you're not alone. Hugs to you.

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Thu May 30, 2013 11:55 pm
by Imustbeasaint
We must be crazy to deal with this crap! What is wrong with us! As I type this he is gaming away regardless of the fact I sent him links to articles about "is gaming destroying my marriage" I figure I have about had it. I want a partner who is a partner not a child. I have to say if I caught on to any sexual talk I would kick his ass. Its bad enough I ain't getting it but if I find out someone else is, oh hell no!!!! Why do you put up with the chat etc? Just curious no judging I know we all stay for our own reasons.

BTW Im a huge House Wives of OC watcher and I loved Tamara's comment about how leaving was hard but every day just got better and better :) I think I'm ready for better!!!! I feel like I am living my life standing still.

Not keeping count or anything (actually I am!) last time I checked hubbys account he had games 1300 hrs in 7 months. Thats 55 days straight and 6 hours a day average. As of today he has 1474 over a 7 month period. What a waste.

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Tue Jun 04, 2013 4:56 pm
by ginabean
Hi Saint

Good bloody question - why the hell do we tolerate and hang in there. maybe because we see a flash of the man we used to be married to every so often - just enough to keep us in an eternal state of hopeing that it might get better. The fact that we have invested so much time, efforta nd love into a relationship that we've gone too far to back out now. In my case it's that I have this absolute dread of confrontation as a result of a crappy childhood with an alcoholic father compunded by an emotionally abusive husband who has since improved his behaviour, but is now completely "absent". I think it's because it peaceful. Lonely, but peaceful. I have thoughts that are consuming me like "I deserve better" and "what the hell am I doing to myelf", but when it comes to taking action to confront and leave, I'm paralysed. If have had a few wing ding arguments with him over the last few years regarding his gaming, and in particular his goings on with other women online and he stopped the overt sex chat. Now I think he just hides it better but have noticed the level of fliting now becoming more blatant. Now it just pisses me off that never a mention of a wife who just about wipes his arse for him. He does NOTHING to help around the house. He tells them what he's having for dinner - after I'VE placed it in front of him, between the laptop and the ipad, talks about "his" fishtank and sends pictures of it - I have to tell you that managing a reef tank is bloody hard work, involving time, a lot of lugging around of water every week - he has never lifted a finger and the bastard is taking credit for MY efforts with people I don't even know!!!! So, right at this moment, I'm feeling resentful and bitter. Hmm. Do reply and stay in touch, let me know how his gaming impacts on your life. I'm desperately seeking courage right now.

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Thu Jun 13, 2013 12:55 am
by AMNeSia
Welcome to GamerWidow.

Yea, you do have a real problem on your hands...after seeing the 4 posts you and Gina made, I can honestly say you need to leave him. Gaming is not wrong, but since we're all here about addictive gaming...yes, it does destroy lives. Working, taking care of 4 kids and a husband who doesn't give a shit about anything apart from his gaming and taking care of the house is a big thing.

As far as you saying why people stay and put up even after so much...well, it's because the people who are in a relationship think of it as a relationship. They want to make the time, effort and so on to be in a relationship. If 2 people in a relationship have a fight, do they adjust with each other and grow closer, or they file a divorce/separate from each other at the smallest argument?

But yes, after so many years of it, why do people put up? Guess, as Gina said, the thing of too far in to back out does make people think so many times. A gaming addict, like your husbands, or me gets too far in a game to back out. Same goes for alcoholism, gambling, sexual addictions and so on. People feel it is right, the mind keeps reinforcing the same thing over and over and repetition gets it solidly founded to the extent that breaking it becomes an almost impossible job unless they themselves decide to change.

Also, as I said above, people want to be in a relationship, so they put up with all they can endure. Some give up, some give in, some give it all they got, but they do it...because it means something to them. You both are wives to whom a relationship matters. You love your husbands, your life, your kids and that's why you want to maintain it, which is why you put up.

But slowly, out of a lack of something (in your case, the lack of your husbands being there with, for and by you in a relationship), the person and the relationship slowly start dying. Maintaining a relationship has become a routine, so you do it hoping things will improve. But they don't. Things deteriorate and start falling apart. Yet people put up, because of that one small thing called hope. The thinking that, 'Maybe someday, things will improve.'...thinking that it'll all become all right.

That is why people put up, endure and do all they can. But things don't change...yes you do deserve better. I don't want to sound harsh here...but it's because you love something/somebody, that you have to make the hard decisions. You love yourself, your kids and your life. You even love your husbands, just not their absence. But it's because you love all this, hard decisions need to be made. So, not wanting to sound harsh, but leaving might be the only option you have. End of the line for nuisance.

You get only one, make the most of it. Life's not meant to be wasted. It's priceless...and just one. Don't waste it.

Hope you find a better way of things.

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 9:11 am
by kaycee103
I just joined gamerwidow yesterday and was reading through the posts. About 7 years ago, I filed for divorce and my family gave me hell for "giving up on the marriage" - they didn't understand what I was living with and after a lot of grief from my so-called "support group", I ended up dropping the proceedings. My hubby, in turn, promised to be better... that lasted 4 months. Now he games from the time he gets home from work until long after I go to bed (usually around midnight)... and if it's a weekend, the entire day/night would be spent gaming as well.

We have 3 children (now ages 14, 11 and 10) who complain about their Dad gaming all the time. And there are times they are happy that he doesn't join us for family outings because when we are out, he is checking his phone or playing other games on the phone or is grumpy - probably because he Is "missing" his games. I feel terrible for the kids. The more I think about it though, if we were to separate, legally he would get shared parenting time.... and I can just imagine how neglected those kids would feel on "his time". At least I have some control over our daily activities and give them the attention they need. I have also found many things to occupy my time, including volunteering in the schools, my hobbies and 4 years ago, I went back to being a volunteer firefighter. Our 17th wedding anniversary is this weekend.... we'll see if he goes to gaming or actually acknowledges the day... :grumble

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 5:59 pm
by laroo
Wow, that's a long time to put up with that kind of neglect. It makes me wonder, though, if you were to leave with the kids, would he want to spend more/better time with them on his days? I know of some folks who have gone through a divorce and found that the time they spend with their kids is better and more rewarding. I was on the brink of separation/divorce not too long ago, and it's such a huge, no-turning-back point in life. Either way, I feel for you, Kaycee.

I know that in my relationship it was a given that there would be someone there to take care of everything while she raided. She made dinner sometimes, grudgingly it seemed, but then it was right back to the game, headset on, back turned to the whole house. It's been a while since those days, but I'm still working on letting go of the resentment that built up over these years. The memory of that kind of neglect doesn't just disappear in one day.

I'm glad you've got your own things to keep you from going stir crazy. It's so important! I've heard of people feeling like they've 'lost themselves' in their marriage, but I personally know the feeling of loss when you can't have the relationship with your S/O that you want/need. It SUCKS! It's disheartening and depressing. So, I'm glad that you have things you do for you - and for others, it seems!

Take care of you Kaycee,

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Tue Oct 22, 2013 8:00 pm
by ginabean
Hi kaycee

Welcome. We're glad to have you here. There's no judgement here, only people sharing experiences, and if you're kicking yourself for not taking the opportunity to get out and missing the boat, welcome to the club. Been in your shoes (sort of) and missed by opportunity because I was too chicken and beat down at the time. Now just trying to make lemonade out of lemons... keep in touch and let us know how you are doing...

Re: Guess I am not alone after all, just alone in marriage!

PostPosted: Thu Oct 24, 2013 7:42 am
by AMNeSia
7 years, eh? Hmm...after 3 and a half years of gaming non-stop...I feel life's a I can imagine how must it be for 7 years...

Welcome to GamerWidow, by the way, Kaycee.

Well...I always hope the best for all in trouble and better for all those in none. Like Laroo said...resentment built over the years. Things ghosts. For me, such things chill me out like I'm having the knowledge that I'll be put in a meat-grinder 5 minutes later. Real bad experience with hauntings I have. Just some days ago...I was on the fly-over, enjoying the view. Suddenly, school came in my mind. I left school 3 and a half years ago...yes, exactly when I started becoming a gaming addict. I've hated school...partly because of bullying, partly because of the academics which mean everything these days where there's nothing to teach you how to live life...only earn money.

It sent a chill up me. Almost scared the life out of me. And I'm haunted by many things, for that matter. Yes, it becomes a real monster to deal with.

I'm sorry I dragged this into it, I was just explaining the hauntings. They hurt...a lot. Anyways...hope you people can work it out. I'm all out of advice for my own nothing left to type here either. Best of luck.