Who is this site intended for?
You know…I was just browsing the forums and I came across a point that was brought up in a post back in May that I feel I should address.
If this site is not intended just for “Gamingwidows” then maybe it should be renamed “human relationships site”.
When I first created this site back in ‘05, I was a World of Warcraft widow in need of a place where I could share my frustrations in a safe environment and help anyone I could to cope with the feelings that I was feeling. At that time there were NO message forums for gamer widows. There was one Yahoo! email list for EverQuest widows (but I wanted more than just an email list) and there was OLGAnon (but I’m not really into the 12 steps thing and I felt the site wasn’t really for me), so I created GamerWidow.com.
It was my safe place. A place where not just World of Warcraft or Everquest widows could come and share/vent/support each other, but a place for anyone who has felt neglected over ANY game at all. The forums have seen a lot of change since then. As time went by, I noticed that it wasn’t just the widows or widowers who visited the site but also gamers and ex-gamers. I am a very optimistic and positive person by nature and everyone always starts off with an A with me until they prove that they don’t deserve it. So naturally I was very welcoming towards everyone who joined — even really hostile, mean gamers who mocked what they thought the site was all about. LOL In the end some of those hostile gamers stayed on as members and eventually became moderators!
Basically, what this site is about is positivity and support. I will never advise someone to just leave their addicted gamer nor will I ever just “blame the game”. Every relationship is unique and while we have some similarities, one fix will never work for all who come to the site. I am not a psychologist, though I pretty much minored in psychology in University and it’s my passion to study human behaviour. I have a degree in Computer Science and do proudly call myself “geek”. I have played, and yes become addicted to, World of Warcraft myself in attempts to save my marriage. I still go through ups and downs….but overall my life is better because of gamerwidow.com and the community that has formed here.
This site is intended for gamer widows, gamer widowers, gaming addicts, ex-gamers, casual gamers who have an interest in the addiction, parents of gamers, friends of gamers, basically ANYONE who has an interest in video game addiction/obsession, ANYONE who wants to help or be helped, ANYONE who needs support.
So Welcome to GamerWidow.com 
I am a WOW widow - neglected by his addiction to the game. I waited on him hand and foot, cleaned his house, took care of his dog, did his laundry, took his meals to the computer so he wouldn’t have to leave the game, the list goes on and on. Our 14 year marital relationship declined to the point where there was NO communication, NO marital relationship - NOTHING - because nothing mattered to him except WOW and his guild - we had NO social life - NO family life. Our only conversations where “can you bring me some more coffee” and “what’s for dinner” - if I tried to have a meaningful conversation, I was “interrupting” him from concentrating on the raid - he turned on the computer as soon as he got out of bed in the morning and as soon as he got home from work at night - we couldn’t go anywhere, have friends over, etc., because his game was more important. His weekends consisted of staying in the game the entire weekend, falling asleep at the computer with his hands on the keyboard - every weekend!
I left him a year ago and we are in the process of a divorce - I doubt he has time to prepare his answers to legal documents sent to him by my attorney, because it will interfere with the game.
I’m bitter - I gave this marriage everything I had - at first, I went along with his idea that the game of WOW “helped him relax after a stressful day at the office”, but he never acknowledged the stress WOW was creating for me - our kids were grown and on their own - he had always talked about how wonderful it would be for “US” to have our own time after the kids were out on their own, but his addiction to WOW ended that dream for me, and now, in the course of the divorce proceedings, it has become very evident that this game changed his entire personality and created a greedy, self-absorbed, self-centered monster.
I’m working on overcoming my bitterness - but it is a long hard road to recovery. In my mid-50’s, I never thought I’d be single again, having to start over from scratch, rebuilding my life, working two jobs to support myself, just because my 50-something husband never outgrew puberty and the love of a stinking internet game!!
Comment by Debbie — April 24, 2009 @ 10:38 am
True words, some true words dude. Made my day.
Comment by goosiurgice — December 11, 2009 @ 2:54 pm
Debbie,
I am sad to hear of the devastating end to your marraige. Although I have never brought my husband, a 3 year WOW gamer, food to the computer, I understand and share in a lot of what you wrote about. I keep thinking there’s a glimmer of hope that my husband will outgrow this stupid addiction. But he comes from a family of people with various addictions. I keep hearing, “Well, at least I’m not at the bar. At least I don’t smoke. At least I don’t do crack…” Yes, there’s always going to be something worse out there. But when you had a good life and a better than average shot at long marraige, it’s hard to make excuses for something like this that just is a worthless way to spend 9 hours in a day. You are right, it used to be something to help relax after a long day at work. Our parents used to call that a night-cap! Well now there is no work. My husband took a “buyout” from his business partner 6 months ago and has not made any effort to find a new job. He has a fantastic education and credentials, a family that loves him, and no motivation to work at all. I assume some of the reason he spends all day on the game now is that he probably suffers from depression. When he plays the game and other players in the guild are pumping up his ego, his need to feel productive and liked is filled. Unfortunately, of course, this is all in a make-believe world. I keep hoping that eventually he’ll outgrow it. But if you say your ex is 50’s and is addicted, I don’t really know what to think. My husband is not 40 yet. Ugh. Probably if WOW goes out of business or crashes or can’t upgrade enough to keep players happy any more, whatever - then something else will come along. I only hope he’s out of games long enough to see what things in the real world he’s been missing. The other thing that gives me hope is that when we spend weekends away from home and he can’t access WOW - he’s almost the same guy I married 14 years ago. Probably he’s edgier and more cynical, and sometimes has a shorter temper and a quicker sharp tongue. I think this is the depression, probably. Did anyone ever try to do a AA-style intervention with their spouse? I sometimes wonder if I could ask his brother and Mom to say something to him. But if they declined my request there would always be that elephant in the room at family get togethers. What to do…
Well, that was a good vent. Nice to find this forum. But I have seen others where it seems to me the folks who post are actually just as bad about wasting time on the computer as their gamer - spouses! (Time for me to log off.)
Comment by Eva — January 8, 2010 @ 11:53 pm
My husband of two and a half years has been playing WOW for a little more than four years — just a little longer than he has known me. He makes excuses for all the time he spends on the game, and justifies it, but I fear I’m going to end up being alone. He plays from the time he gets up in the morning until well after 3 a.m. every day. One of the excuses he uses and a justification that I usually buy into is that we have a seasonal business, and he doesn’t have that much work to do in the winter. He plays now, he says, as a way to make up for time lost during the summer. We used to play together, but I was never as into it as he is. I always wanted to play for maybe an hour (or less) and then get back to real life — a book I was reading, or my chores, or sleep! We had a baby 10 months ago, and since she was born, she is the light of my life. I am lucky to be able to stay home with her, for now, although I fear sometimes that our business might start to suffer (or is suffering?) because of his addiction to the game, in which case I would be forced to go back to work. You know, if our business fails despite us working really hard to make it work, that would be one thing. If it fails because he wants to level his rogue or do “just one more battleground,” there will be serious problems.
When we met, he was into rock climbing, gardening, hiking, fishing, canoeing — all outdoor things that I love as well. That’s one of the things I love(d) about him. He also plays the guitar, and we’ve had some fun singalongs together.
But as his addiction has grown, those things have all gone by the wayside. He has gained nearly 50 pounds since we got married, and I bring him meals usually at the table where he has the laptop.
Our combined interest in living close to the land, growing things, and raising our children naturally seems to have…dissipated, since he spends so much time on the game. He was determined this winter to buy another (a THIRD) WOW account so that he could try and get me playing or his 14-y-o daughter playing along with him and his 9-y-o son. The 9-y-o is similarly addicted, and has often asked to skip activities like Scouts so that he can keep playing. I refuse to let the kid skip Scouts for the game, but my husband says, “I don’t care if he stays in Scouts or not. The game is more fun. If I were him, I’d rather play the game than go to Scouts, too.” I can’t believe it.
I get resentful during the day when I’m home doing dishes, taking care of the baby, doing laundry, etc. etc., but I try to remind myself that he “shouldn’t” have to help because a lot of women stay home with the chores and the kids while their husbands are off working. I try not to nag him. I don’t want to be his mom — even though he starts to note that I’m getting frustrated and angry and he says, “I’ll do whatever you want, just tell me what you want me to do.”
Well, I don’t want to have to be the naggy person giving him chores that take him away from his beloved game. I feel like that makes me no different than the mother of a teenager, asking him to pick up his room for the thousandth time. He’s a grown man. He knows what needs done. He’s told me a dozen times he wanted to fix various things around the house that have posed problems (door latches and such), and he never gets around to it. When something needs done, it’s pretty much assumed I will take care of it. Unless I ask for help.
And then it’s like, okay, I’ll do that as soon as I get to a stopping point — and then he might do it, or might forget…and if he does do it, he’s immediately back to the game.
He talks about what a “bargain” the game is for its entertainment value — nevermind that we are blowing $45 a month on three accounts. I have tried to play with him, or get some enjoyment out of the game so that I could share it with him. But it turns me off so much now I can’t even listen to the music without getting annoyed. I got so angry about it tonight that I went into the accounts and deleted all of my characters. He doesn’t know that yet.
He doesn’t have to go out and socialize, so he’ll go days without bathing. I am losing my attraction to him. I just figure, “It will be better in the summer, when we’re working again.”
I’m not sure what to do. I can talk to him, but it always seems like he equates my annoyance with him not being as responsible as I want him to be — and he reminds me that he “did some work today,” or he “helped fold laundry a couple days ago.”
But it goes beyond that, and I don’t know how to communicate that to him. I want a person as a husband, someone who doesn’t spend 10 hours a day on a game. I want us to go back to talking about our garden plans — without him just trying to figure out the fastest, easiest way around it so he can get back to his “fun.” I want to plan hikes, and maybe some rock-climbing. We only ever rock-climbed once together, on a very early date. Never happened again.
I want to go fishing with him.
Oh, by the way, we’re expecting another little one in May. So, I will be taking care of a 14-year-old, a 9-year-old, a 1-year-old and a newborn. And a 38-year-old game addict.
Sigh. I’m lost.
Comment by Deb — January 20, 2010 @ 10:55 pm